:: Wallpaper ::

:: Saturday, July 31, 2004 ::

Feeling a bit wonkers today.

Accompanied a friend to NUS's jazz welcome tea. At first I thought it was modern jazz, a hip hop club like that in NTU, but turns out that it was jazz, as in jazz band.

Was rather apprehensive at first, but soon got blown away. Simply loved the environment of music and everything. I was so envious of them, coz I could play nothing myself. And then they opened up the vocal section. I was over the moon. Sigh.

Now I'm thinking of going for NUS's auditions pretending to be an NUS freshman, haha. I wanna sing!!!! Wonder if they'll allow me to join them if they find me good? Am I good in the 1st place? Hahaha... Sigh.

What song shall I sing, what song shall I sing?? Any suggestions?



:: Sam 6:19 AM [+] ::
...

Just got back to my room. So tired now...

Anyways, had a good outing today. Spent some quiet time talking with a new friend! And it was so fun and interesting, coz it's not everybody you can sit down and have quiet conversations with. I've come to realised I simply love love love conversations. Sigh...

The 2nd outing, was less fruitful. Joined my hall people for some ice skating and supper, but hardly got to know anybody. Mostly it was my fault for being extremely anti-social, but they weren't all that friendly either, and they already had their own cliques. Ended up dogging Shu, and I feel real bad about it. I get the feeling I'm going to be very lonely in this hall.

After much thought, there's really nothing to hold me back come 2 weeks time, if I get it. And if I don't, it's just another 4 years of nothingness. Nothing new, I can handle.

 

:: Sam 12:04 PM [+] ::
...

I saw them walking ahead, slowly disappearing from sight, as I stood there wondering. For a while there, I felt the familiar pang of loneliness, and the lyrics 'I'm so lonesome I could cry...' wafted into my head, to which I unconsciously hummed to.

A glimpse to come, of what may be. So easily forgotten.

Still, it's my fault. It's all way too early to hope for anything, but I guess I was hoping a little too much already. I wasn't willing to make my sacrifice, so I paid the price. But I guess no big deal, six years already, I can do easily with a few more. I just have to stop thinking so much, and maybe everything will be better, easier.

CCA fair today. It was OK, nothing much, but lotsa people. Saw so many clubs I wanted to join, so I grabbed their pamphlets. But didn't really sign up with any. Aikido looked a bit disappointing, nontheless, still worth a try.

Just loitered at Licia's stall today. Man, I love manning stalls! Get to see so many different and weird people, and you just sit down there and try to sell them something. However, I didn't feel appropriate promoting things I didn't even have any idea what they were, so I just sat there and people-watch. Quite interesting to see all the freshies, haha. Look out for old buddies.

Sigh. Life. It's getting more happening. Never did have a life then, and should be a mugger now. I'm already at the last chapter of my education, and I should stop being mediocre. Sorry life, you just have to go knock on another door. I'll try to become a full-time mugger, and you can visit me after I fail.

 

:: Sam 3:42 AM [+] ::
...

Written few days back... Sucky piece la, but I'm too tired and lazy to edit it now, which means it's like that forever. Sorry pal, you got a lousy creator, haha.

Season of Magic

This is the season of magic
Where silly love songs fill the air
A whisper and a heart is touched
A quiver and lips are parted
Sparks spill over from wayward flames
And fresh fires break out randomly

During the season of magic
Where fools and lovers come out to play
Games of masquerades and charades
Games of hard-to-get and touch-me-nots
Roles of lovers and fools interchange
But the loser always remains the same

Curse this season of magic
Where hearts are lost down one way streets
Lock my heart in cold hard chains
Lock my feelings in sunless prisons
Discard the key lest I break free
To reclaim the season's title

 


:: Sam 9:23 AM [+] ::
...

Just came back from Malaysia. Actually, that was like 7 hours ago. Just came back from a birthday party.

Well. The medical interview in Malaysia went OK. Not fantastic, not superb, but not lousy, nor catastrophic. Just normal. It was pretty smooth I guess, but I couldn't recall any impressive instance. When you're choosing 4 out of 100 plus, I guess that means I didn't fare very well...

Anyways, just came back from Wendy's son's birthday party! Brandon! Gee. I didn't catch the age. Oh well. And now I've graduated to calling her Wendy! No more Ms, no need like a kid like that, I'm finally an adult. Even got to sit at the adult's table. I feel so proud of myself, hehe.

That's the one thing I love about going for dinners with the rich and affluent. This is the 3rd family I've joined, and I never cease to love rubbing shoulders with them. While I always feel a bit awkward around them, since I normally only know one of the family members in the whole large gang of them, it's always an enjoying experience to watch them go about.

The thing I love most is the ease with which they do things. The casual conversations, the jokes, the calmness, all traits of people enjoying their lives and loving every moment of it. They appreciate what they have. I also love the cultured manner in which they speak, engaging any stranger in conversation, me included. There's no arrogance, no signs of haughtiness, just a relaxed atmosphere, warm and friendly. That's what I call family.

I dunno. It just always grips my heart. The serene atmosphere, peppered with occasional laughter. The men in their quiet voices, the women in their loud gossips, and the children with their shrill screams. So picture perfect. Somehow, it's something I've missed, and I can never have.

 

:: Sam 8:46 AM [+] ::
...

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi!

Yeah, I guess I just can't escape from that... But I didn't think that it would be a reason for to be ignored. Interesting. Fascinating almost, even.
 
That's reality isn't it. I can say I don't care, but I care. I can say I care, but I'm not gonna do anything about it. Sigh. I'm too tired to be bothered anyways. I guess I'm used to dealing with it.
 
Image is everything, eh?
 
 

:: Sam 5:50 AM [+] ::
...

Nowadays, I find myself getting attracted to shops quite often. There's a certain delight in seeing the price of an item slashed when you apply the discount to it. I think I'm catching the shopping bug.
 
Went shopping today, to buy a bag at first. But darling Jan gave hers to me, so saved me to money!! Yay!! Haha. Bought a pair of shorts instead. Oh well. Feel so happy today!!!
 
How do you let go of something you can't get enough of?
 
 

:: Sam 5:40 AM [+] ::
...

Jan's right...
 
The magic's dispelled now, and reality kinda kicks in. I guess somethings are never that easy and may never change. Well. I can still be idealistic and hope for the best. But when that time comes, I guess it won't be too hard to let go.

Met Ling Ling in NTU today. Poor girl got lost, and I offered to help. It's kinda weird, we've seen each other for 2 years in JC, but only talked like now. But we managed to hit it off quite well. I guess there's a kind of familiarity from seeing each other even if you never talk.
 
Anyways, apparently she's a map idiot, so I had to read her map for her and bring her to NIE. Not that I had much to do anyways. Heh. It was fun to make a new friend, yeah!
 
 

:: Sam 6:45 AM [+] ::
...

Oh yeah, I must also add 2 points from the ARIES MAN, partly coz I only read that one and was too lazy to read the rest.

1. Compliments from his boss or superior are never enough for him, he wants his deserved reward. His deep insecurity makes him reach and collecting valuable things, and this you may think he is stingy. Actually he could easily spending money to buy things, traveling or pay for things that makes him happy and he think necessary for his need. He care what other people think of him and want to get good comments or compliments. if you get past the bad english, you'll see. I'm not stingy k!

2. He always keeps his promise. If he said he will meet you in your place in 2 hours then he will be there, unless there is a serious accident or unavoidable things happen. He hates people who are late for date or any appointment. yes man, don't mess with my timing, or I'll hate you forever...



:: Sam 4:41 AM [+] ::
...

Due to immense boredom, I decided to post up some zodiac stuff my friend sent me. I don't believe in this kinda things, coz if you read all the 12 zodiacs, you'll find every sign has the some parts of you and some parts not of you anyway. Not to mention the atrocious english in this particular article. But oh well, what the hell.
 
CAPRICORN MAN  
 
A man in this Zodiac will has a pair of round big beautiful eyes true true!! so true!!, a nice structure jaw line. He is a good listener and can understand everything easily and clearly. yes, here too! I hear you!! He can guess what you will say before you even say it. He often shakes his head or touches his hair. He is a big built, but he will tend to have a small ear. not true, sadly. I could do with bigger built. and my ears are big He tends to have a darker shade of hair and eyes' color. He will likely have a short and strong neck, broad shoulder, muscular, strong hands and grips. wah, I want can? He has a shorter fingers compare to the man of the same size and same height in the other zodiac. His hands can work well at the same time can protect and care for his woman. girls, hear that or not? faster come to papa!!
 
His height will be proportional to his weight. He will walk firmly and always take a big long step. As he walks he will look around in caution with no disturbance from his problems at present or in the past. He likes to watch things built with fascinate and wonder about how it is done, so you could see him watching a construction site and not get bored.
 
He is a good dancer. eh, yanru, this one you must believe la. no need audition to join modern jazz already, ok? hehe. He is a careful person in instinct, so even at dance floor, he will already have to know what in front or behind him before he will take any steps. 
 
Blue is his favorite color. You will mostly see him wear green, navy blue, or brown. In all 12 Zodiacs, he is the one who can get the most satisfaction from possession of beautiful thing, and cherish it as if it is very valuable to him even it is just a crystal ball made in France. beautiful thing... ah yes... i love all things beautiful!!
 
It is his luck that he hardly has to chase after woman. They always come themselves without his invitation. it is so not my luck lor! I wish man!! I do not get women coming! walking past yes. that's not counted right? He likes to treat his guest in his house than visiting his guest at their house. He does not like to be a center of attention, so if you need his help, you have to look up for him. He lives his life in stability and simplicity. Every decision made is already "Sure" and carefully thought out. He will not do what he has been asked to do if he is not interested in doing it. He acts casually but in reality, he always doing things seriously.
 
He loves peaceful and quiet environment so in his free time, he will stay at home instead of going out and look for adventure. He loves nature and dreams of a nice and quiet house with lots of trees, or he may dream of a house in a beautiful countryside. 
 
He will let you have freedoms and watching you in a distance. If you are over doing something, he will let you know by his icy cold look. He is the perfect lover in all the Zodiacs for nothing he will not do for his love one. He won't allow people to laugh at him or think he is a joker, so he will spent for himself luxury for what it is worth.
 
He likes neat and well dressed woman, so do not be a slop if you are dating this guy. If you do that he will loose his face. He is the romantic type who would dance with you under the moon light. Love will make him shines and you will see it in his face. He will not say it out loud, you have to know it yourself.



:: Sam 4:29 AM [+] ::
...

Once again, I'm plagued with the problem of human tectonics. Haven't been out with a group in ages, and the same thing still happens. Like some plate boundary or fault line, I'm the mountain formation or the subterranean valley. Basically, I get squeezed out a lot. That means I fall behind a lot coz I just get too bloody lazy to move back up and get squeezed out again.

It's a very interesting phenomena. You can't refuse to budge, the last time I tried, people just squash you anyway. Not everybody gets squeezed out, and I highly doubt if anyone notes who's the one being squeezed out. I wouldn't know if I haven't done the same to other people as well. Weird.

Anyways. I realised I'm forever doomed to mediocrity. I always hafta make a lot of noise to be noticed. And oftentime, even while I'm making noise I'm left unnoticed. After awhile, it gets tiring and I just shut up. I'm pretty much forgotten after that. Maybe it's my body language or what, but I seem to carry a 'don't-pay-any-attention-to-me' aura about me.
 
Guess there are somethings you just can't shake. Like my wallpaper presence way back from the old days.  



:: Sam 8:16 AM [+] ::
...

Actually, I'm way too tired to be doing this. Came back from watching Spiderman 2 with sensei just now. But I guess I have to put this, haha. 

Was taking the bus to Toa Payoh to go Orchard. Ah, brings back memories. This was the last time I met Wui. Actually, it was the 1st time we went out together, and also our last. We watched a movie. I think it was Matrix 3. Not too sure. Then we ate at MOS Burger. Then we walked around, into this 2nd hand shop as well, I remember. We choosed Toa Payoh, partly coz of timing, and partly coz we didn't want too many people around.
 
Haha. Guess what. While I was walking to out of the Orchard MRT to Heeren, through the Ngee Ann underpass, who should I spot but Wui?? Haha. So so bloody coincidental. I didn't even recognise her from the back at first. Just thought I saw AJ uniform, so go check out. Was thinking since I didn't recognise their backs, probably J1s too. Was so bloody shocked that it was Wui. With Sue I think, I didn't look. I just walked straight ahead. Don't think they recognised me from the back either.
 
Sigh. I'm so chicken sometimes. But I guess that makes our relationship beyond repairable. How did it all end up like this? Still a question I ask myself from time to time. Headache man.
 
On a different note, went to Yanru's shop 3 times to find her today, but failed to see her. On the 1st visit though, something weird happened. While I was looking at the bags, this big burly guy tapped my shoulder. I was pretty surprised at first, and I thought it was Yanru's colleague telling me that she wasn't around. I couldn't think of any other rationale for a stranger to talk to me.
 
And then he told me his friend wanted to know me.
 
Still pretty shell shocked by the sudden shoulder tapping, this girl popped up and said that I looked rather familiar. She asked if I was Malay or Chinese, and where could we possibly have met before, to which I abruptly said no. I was too dazed to do much. It slowly dawned on me that I was being approached, in a way.
 
She asked for my number, and said she'd call me out when she go and chiong, a word I learnt like only recently. Sad life man. Anyways. I have no idea why I would possibly get approached, unless of course, she really thought I was familiar. Perhaps she soon realised she was knocking on the wrong door, coz soon after, she was 'reminding' her friend that he had somewhere to go, to which he blurly replied yes, and they booted.
 
Haha. I spent the next 5 minutes in the toilet scrutinising at myself, trying to find any clue to which have warranted this horrible joke. Failing to notice anything out of the ordinary, except that I looked perfectly ordinary, I left feeling extremely shortchanged. 
  


:: Sam 9:53 AM [+] ::
...

I finally cleared my conscience today.

Dropped a student, and dropped a facade. Not that it was holding up much anyway. Sometimes, I just can't separate my emotions from my work. I should have done this earlier, but at least I did it now.

Listening to her telling me about the kind of guy she likes, I can't help but wonder, does that make me shallow, or simple? I don't have any requirements, as long as I like, can already. Maybe I'm too desperate for some abstract concept that I'll take anything. Or maybe I just never stopped to think about it long enough. I guess, that for me to like someone, that someone must fit some criteria that I'm not consciously aware of, but set for myself. Maybe, just maybe.

But anyways. I'm too lazy to love her anymore. Maybe it's that I don't really like her, or maybe I'm too tired to love her beyond my heart. Not that I did much then, but I'm too tired to even do anything now. And I've always been a lazy bump, I guess. I just want an emotional vacation.

And I wonder, if I'll ever make a gal's heart jump when she sees me, or to light her heart a blazing fire. I doubt I ever will. I doubt many guys ever do. I'm nowhere. Neither here to make you crazy over me, nor there to make you detest me. Just stuck in the middle, middle of nowhere.

Haha. Time to move on a lil bit, and let the amber light shift slightly towards green.


:: Sam 7:38 AM [+] ::
...

After looking at Kok's blog, I was inspired to revamp my site. Sadly, it lasted less than 5 minutes, after looking at the available templates, and feeling too lazy to do any editing. Man, this site has stayed the same since it's birth. Incidentally, the song playing now is 'Stay the same' by Joey Mcintyre, haha.

I feel like doing something today. I dunno what, but something. Something great, something wonderful. But no one to do it to. Sigh. It's days like these you feel like going out there suddenly to touch people's lives, where you just wanna accomplish something? Haha... Man.

Anyways. Read someone who said something about people. That's rather vague isn't it. Haha. But was just thinking, there are somethings that are you because of you, and there are somethings that become you because of what's around you. Nature vs Nurture, the eternal scientific argument. But actually, I was thinking more on mindsets. I refuse to use level, coz it's somewhat derogatory, and implies a difference in status. Yeah. So mindsets...

Right now, to me, there's only 2 types, Traditional vs Western. The chinese-speaking vs the english-speaking. I always thought I belonged to the latter group. That's why I hated AJ so much, coz I was with the 'wrong' crowd. But now, I realised it's more than just that. It's me. Whether you can mix with anyone is not so much the environment you were brought up in, but who you are, essentially, fundamentally.

I finally accepted that. Oh well. Nah. I dunno why I wrote about all that stuff, but just thought I'd like to disagree with someone...


:: Sam 7:09 PM [+] ::
...

You know, I was just lying on my bed, when I started singing silly songs and feeling very happy. The kind that makes you feel high and do crazy stuff, that makes you wanna jump up and down and scream to the world. Yeah man. And I realised I was thinking about Sat's outing before I lapsed into crazy/high mode.

Man, this is gonna sound so sad, but I'VE GOT FRIENDS!! And the best part, they're NEW!!!! Yeah man, after 6 years in boarding, suddenly living out seems so lonely. No more rooms to visit, no more movies to pop in on, no more late night card games, no more Gunbound... Sigh. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss boarding. Just a teensy weensy bit though. *Pause* Fine. Maybe a little more.

6 months on my own really seems like ages man. It's just not the same going out with a few people every now and then, as compared to the large company constantly around back in the old days. Suddenly I'm so looking forward to hall life and uni life. More and more and more peoples! Yum!!

And like I said, the best part, they're NEW!! They know nuts about me, I know nuts about them, it's like having a new toy to explore with!! And I ALWAYS love NEW TOYS! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!

Hmm. K, I should digress. Yup. *love* I.am.so.looking.forward.man. *love* HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!


:: Sam 7:07 PM [+] ::
...

It started out as a beautiful day, which quickly became an okay day, followed by a sad day, an unbearable day, and a heart rending day. In the end, it finished as a wonderful day. Such is the change wrought by expectations and emotions.

No doubt it was a lovely moment to cherish for me, though nowhere as magical as I'd hope it would be, but almost as if it were normal, just another day in our passing. Only that it might never happen again. And I realise why is it I love taking pictures with you. It is the only time I can actually hold you close. Other times, you'd be so distant, so faraway.

So be it. May this moment forever be etched in our minds.


:: Sam 10:46 AM [+] ::
...

Repatched with plasters. Man, look at that stuff oozing out. What did I tell ya?


:: Sam 9:30 AM [+] ::
...

Stitches removed.


:: Sam 9:29 AM [+] ::
...

Feeling downright depressed now. Been moping for the last few a hours and feeling shitty. While reading a book as well. Spilled my bottle of iodine and now there's hardly any left, making me even more miserable. And to top things off, the iodine stained my pants! Sobz.

Anyways. Removed the stitch today, and the gash opened up. Black blood oozed out. Like, just burped out. So now I hafta put loads of iodine everyday and seal it with cute plasters. But I don't have much iodine left after spilling. Sigh.

Having bad premonitions about Saturday. Can't stop thinking about bad things whenever it's one of those big days that are coming. Keep picturing doomsday. Hope I'm wrong, and everything can go smoothly and nicely. Please?


:: Sam 9:02 AM [+] ::
...