:: Wallpaper ::

:: Sunday, March 28, 2004 ::

Blah. They say you can run, but you can't hide. My past finally caught up with me. Again.

When I left AJ, I thought I had left the worst of me, and the worst of my reputation behind. But apparently no. What you do follows you around no matter how hard you try to shake it. So today it came back to haunt me.

I had hoped that I need not tell you that story. I had hoped to start anew. But as fate dictated, it was not to be. I came clean with you, but to be honest, I'm afraid. Afraid that you will see me differently. I only ask that you judge me in your eyes, and in the eyes of no other.

Sigh. It's disappointing sometimes to know who betrays you. You can never see it coming. And I've been making bad judgements for the past 2 years. My instincts are not serving me well anymore. Surprises just keep on coming eh? My life. But to those who believe in me, thank you.

And dear dear lao gong, hai shi ni zui teng wo. Haha...


:: Sam 7:30 AM [+] ::
...

Q&A with a Junior

Not that I'm very old, but I have seen 3 years more of life than her. Still, talking to her makes me question my self affirmed views of life. I am tempted to scoff and laugh it off, and say, been there, done that. But truly, have I? For all my laments, I have yet to fully understand people of any sorts. I can only make general, biased opinions. Makes me wonder who's the real child, me or her.

And in case you're wondering, I questioned, she answered.

Haha. But it is interesting to meet someone with as strong an opinion about her opinions as I am with mine. I realised today if there's one thing I'm extremely arrogant about, it's my thoughts. She basically asserted her arguments as if they were facts. I didn't argue, coz I know next to nothing about the matter at hand, and I hate making assumptions. Not that I don't.

Anyways, it ran from rappers to people, and then the detestable nature of boys and girls. I think I sounded shallow. Should I sound otherwise? What's the fascination with depth anyway? Questions questions. Haha... Tonight, I'm all about questions.


:: Sam 4:43 AM [+] ::
...

I just came back from a nearby mini mart. I was short of cash, the goods I bought costing 12.30, while I only had 11.20. Sigh, the things carrying a debit card does to you. You never bring enough cash along.

But anyways, I asked for a discount. Yeah man, that's so out of character. But since I'm downgrading from my broken electric shaver to a normal manual blade, couldn't hurt to ask for a bit of directions. Incidentally, I downgraded my M1 plan to a newer cheaper one. Now I got free incoming! Quick! Call me!

Ok, I digressed. I asked for a discount. The man said no! Can you believe it? But he offered the goods to me for all my money, on condition I come back and pay the balance. Now that's business. A certain degree of trust in your customers eh? That's something I haven't seen for some time. For all you know, I can don't come back what. He must have been prepared to lose the money. But the thing is, if he was, he should just gimme the discount. Selfish guy. Haha.

Oh well. To appease my conscience, I shall return the money. I'm on the losing end. *Grumble grumble*


:: Sam 3:40 AM [+] ::
...

Just finished watching the last episode of the last season of Sex and the City. It rocks!!! Ok, I know I'm slow to finish. And I knew she was going with Big, but it still didn't spoil the ending anyway.

But what caught me wasn't what Big did. He was long overdue anyway. What did catch my attention was the other men in her friends' lives. Smith, Steve, and Harry. Especially Smith. They really went all the way for their women. Is it too good to be true, or would I too? Right now, I highly doubt. But... I guess I'd like to think I would.

I mean, Steve and Harry, I can understand. But Smith, now I cannot believe. Hell, he's so damn loyal it breaks my heart. Which is good, of course. Just wondering if such people exist. Blah. Now that is funny and ironic. Isn't that supposed to be a question posted by a girl?

Anyways. That's that. I'm suddenly at a loss of words again. These few days have been like that. I feel so much that I wanna say, but I just can't find the words to put them into. Sigh.


:: Sam 7:57 AM [+] ::
...

Haircuts. AGAIN...

I went for a haircut today.

Walked like 15 minutes to get there in the evening drizzle, with an umbrella of course. Though the fact that I did not use it and allowed myself to get totally soaked was a different matter altogether. It's a unisex salon (they spelt it that way), and the service is so darn good! The moment I enter, a lady stuck out her hand to take my umbrella for me, even though she was busy chatting, I mean, discussing business on the phone!

Then, I was immediately seated. They must all be very well trained, that's why I was served by the youngest hairdresser there, while the more senior ones were watching some stock market drama serial, no doubt to educate themselves for an appropriate discourse with future business clients. The young hairdresser asked me politely how I would like my hair cut, and I replied, short please, really really short. In chinese of course. We must have some kind of telepathic link, coz immediately, she asked me to confirm, you want very very short right? I nodded emphatically, and happily. This was still in chinese of course. Actually, to simplify things, I never spoke a single word of english there. Though what language medium has to do with a haircut, I have no idea.

Anyways, I was seated peacefully, watching my hair getting shorter by the minute, and feeling tumultous joy at the idea of getting a few kgs lighter on the head. In fact, so enraptured I was by the thought that I didn't even bat an eyelid when she drop the comb in what must be an attempt to entertain their customers with acrobatics, I guess. I feel bad for not laughing at her antics. They must have been trained with some fail safe mechanism though, to prevent their customers from ruining their hair. My fringe reached my nose when I went in, but by the time she was done, my fringe still reached my nose, even though we both agreed on very very really really short hair. Still, I guess I must have meant shorter hair. Silly me.

Soon, we were done. She dusted much of the hair onto my shoes. I think she figured I'd like some of my hair to take back as a souvenir. My face was also full of hair, that normally other barbers would brush away. Oh wait, she's a hairdresser, so I guess it must be the new in thing to have hair on my face. Damn. I shouldn't have bathed. After paying her, I walked out, feeling happy that I now possess a new funky hairstyle that must be all the rage.

Sigh.


:: Sam 2:05 AM [+] ::
...

Suddenly feeling very alone and scared. Trying to do my Jap shukudai, but I can feel the fear nagging at the corner of my mind. It's one of those moments again when you think about life at large, and your future lays itself out like the vast expanse of the galaxy in front of you, and you start hurtling into the infinite well of blackness. I can feel myself sinking, no, falling, no, accelerating into this bottomless black hole.

I can imagine it. 10 years from now, I'll be in front of a computer, or behind a desk, or maybe both. I'll be doing my work, and after that, I'll say goodbye to my acquaintances, smile a fake polite smile, and walk home. And I'll knock shoulders with the afterwork human traffic, finally heaving a sigh when I reach my apartment. Fiddling with the keys in my pocket, I finally unlock the door, shove it open, and shout out, 'Honey, I'm home!' Only that there's nobody. I'm all alone.

Then there's pawing on my leg, and a joyful bark, as something tries to jump up and lick me. There she is, my beloved Champagne. I pass her my bag, and she carries it diligently to the sofa, careful not to salivate it. After that, we snuggle up for a little TV and dinner. Nah. Life can't be that bad, when there's a dog around. Gee, I can't believe I forgot about her.

And in a split second, I'm yanked suddenly, but not uncomfortably, out of that gaping hole. Now I'm sitting happily in my chair in the room with the lights brightly shining, and I don't feel so afraid anymore. But damn, I wish she was here now.
I miss having someone on permanent joy mode around me.

Inu wa totemo kawaii desu yo! Watashi wa inu ga totemo suki desu ne. Demo, neko ga suki ja arimasen. Neko ga warui desu ne. Totemo warui desu. Heh.


:: Sam 8:17 AM [+] ::
...

Blah. I hate being second best. Or second rated, or next best choice, or just missed the list, etc etc. I always seem to be struggling to get anywhere. If I'm not going to get there, can like put me somewhere far far away????? Gargh.

AJ, not top 5, but 6. Sian. Rank in AJ, 11, missed the top 10. Yawn. Hmm. Actually, I'm not even near second best. But yeah, 2nd best for Bio, so there you go. Sigh. Someone always beats me to the top. Always always! Blah. And when I did get to the top, once for GP I think, I hafta share it with someone else. Oh, and not to mention it's not recognised. So as far as records are concerned, no such thing.

In relationships, same thing. I'm very expendable apparently. People either take great delight in sidelining me, or I just can never seem important enough to make the effort for. The phrase 'Zhong Se Qing You' seems very apt to describe my friends, haha. The significant other is always a major problem. Is it my fault that many of my friends are attached? Sigh. Jealous gal and boy friends.

My wish, my one wish, is to have someone hold me as number one. Is that so hard? And no, I don't want a girlfriend coz those things don't last. Even marriage now is no longer till death do us part. I just want a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a comforting presence.

Yeah, I guess it's that hard. Screw number one. I'll have my laughs someday.


:: Sam 3:11 AM [+] ::
...

Right. Someone asked to blog, so I will.

I was reading something about charisma off another person's blog. It's interesting, even fascinating, this trait. Almost charming, in fact. Sometimes I just wonder how much charisma do I have. I can never tell.

But charisma can either be innate, or be mastered. Today, I see the magic and intrigue of innate charm. How we dance so conciously and so willingly to the charms of another. I feel it so strongly, yet I deny resisting it. I'm happy to serve. It's weird la. And seeing my fellow compatriots who all are captured by the charm of this same person, we move happily to the tune of this invisible Piper's melody.

Then of course, mastered charm. Charisma derived from proper study of human behavious and conscious practise to get on the good side of others. Without seeming unnatural. I'm one of the disciples of this field, haha. Only that I'm not very good at it. Salesmen are the most obvious form of polished and practised charisma.

Aiya. I'm talking rubbish. My brain just not working. I missed several scholarship deadlines thanks to my procrastination, and it's not the 1st time. I really deserve it. Gotta write 4 essays tom. Blah.


:: Sam 6:44 AM [+] ::
...

I spent a lot of time mucking around today, waiting. Actually, I hate waiting. While I'm normally patient enough, that does not mean I enjoy waiting for hours on end, for something indefinite and possibly short-lived. But I guess that happens to me all the time, and I always end up waiting anyway.

That's why I don't mind being early and waiting for someone punctual. Coz that's my fault. And while I'm not really happy with people who are late, if they inform me how long extra they'll need, it's not that bad. At least I know how much more time I have to kill. But I hate it when people just expect you to wait for ever. They assume your patience is infinite. And they are not courteous enough even to offer a little information on how long more you have to wait for their Royal Highness. But of course, the worst are those that wait until you're outside already, happily waiting, and then tell you to cancel it coz they can't make it. Or better yet, don't tell you at all and just don't make it. People have no common sense nor consideration. Either that or it's just me, and I'm highly expendable. What shit.

And just in case you're reading this, it's not you. I just have a lot of time to think today, again, as usual. So I decided to think on why I spend so much of my life waiting for other people.

I was thinking how aimless I was, just wasting my life away like that, precious seconds ticking bye, that I could be doing something else. Maybe not something more productive nor useful, but just something else I enjoy, instead of stoning somewhere. Yar, I could go book store, but I hate reading something halfway. Window shopping? I finish waaaay too fast. So I just stone and people watch. And the best part is, today, everyone around me is smoking, so I gotta keep changing places. Blah.

Sigh. At least last time I could be lost in my own thoughts. Now I have a new mp3 player, so I can't really think when music is blasting into my ears. So I just rot. How sweet.

In short, just because I'm good at waiting don't mean I love waiting. So don't make me wait if it's not necessary. Hmph.


:: Sam 5:45 AM [+] ::
...

Ok, A level results are out. Did better than I expected, and did worse than I expected. I got all As for my core, and GP A2, not too bad, considering my fears of straight Bs. But I failed both my S papers to get ungraded! What the hell! Sigh. So disappointing.

And what irks me most is that I can't rant about it coz I'm supposedly one of the better ones, when it's actually nothing! So lousy! Not even a merit! Sigh. Only when Han and Kee came later did I feel better, coz finally someone who sneered at me for not getting merit. Haha. Feels good for a change la. And those idiots did pretty well actually, considering how hard they studied. At least they were someone I could curse the A levels with, without offending anyone coz my grades were 'too good'.

Oh well. End of another chapter. Time to apply scholarships. But damn, I'm too lazy to start. Haha. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll begin. Only that I'm going out leh. Sigh.


:: Sam 7:49 AM [+] ::
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