This is so unlike me, but I went for a sale today!! Not bad la, queued for only 15 min to get in. But I think it's coz not many people know about it. Besides, I had good company, and time really flew. Still, there wasn't much stuff of interest. I think the best goods were all snatched up in the 1st day of sales.
That being said, I spent a whopping 110 bucks on Adidas stuff that I normally wouldn't even use, much less buy. But I did anyway. I feel so dumb. Haha. But I am extremely happy with my shoe purchase, coz I finally got my lazyman shoes that can feel the floor!!!! I love shoes with thin soles and all, feels as though not wearing a shoe! Haha....
Then went to watch Big Fish. Oh man. The show is so damn good. It was deeper than I thought. I had expected some typical fairytale heartwarming story, instead, I was met with a father and son relationship struggle. Maybe it was my recent dose of Tony Parsons. I just finished 'Man and Wife' last night. But I could just feel myself identifying with the show and feeling quite touched by it, especially towards the end. I'm just getting so soft nowadays, haha...
But overall, today was the bestest day ever in ages! So fun! So happy! Was chatting away non-stop! We like had so many things to talk about that there was never a moment of silence, except during the movie of course. Otherwise, we could never complete a topic before we moved to another. Ah. The joy of an intellectual sparring partner.
I had a moment of magic. Man, I love the feeling. It's times like these that make me fall in love with love, and in love with beauty all over again. It's great how the everything seems so simple, so beautiful, if only for awhile. In a complicated life, a little simplicity is highly appreciated every now and then.
And the wonderful thing is that it can happen anytime, with anybody. Just walking down the street alone, watching the crowd from a distance despite pushing shoulder to shoulder with them. Sitting along a quiet pavement watching the cars go by, and feeling the breeze and the night chatter. It's moments like these that life feels great and worth living for. And the whole world just seems so distant, and there's only you. You and the rest of the world. The feeling's great.
Sigh. If only it would last forever. But I guess that's what makes it special. That it is fleeting. And that's life.
Now this is interesting... My site comes up on a search for 'teacher rapes little girl pics', and the description for my site goes like '... the little 'should' bes, ... my little party house ... teacher rapes his student. I'm aghast that 3 men would wanna not just rape but sodomise a 9 year old girl. ...' While we're at it, another two came from 'Blind black guy for white power' and 'Black women and White men sex pics'. How amusing. And in case you're wondering, I did not search for those, but I have a kinda tracker thingy.
So, my big fat guess is, some poor deprived white elitist, or some porn starved sex crazy person must have been disappointed to find nothing to suit his pea-sized brain here, and proceeded to vent his frustration by showing his limited vocabulary, and his ignorance of the capslock button. But I admit I am amazed about something though. His primitive intelligence actually managed to comprehend some snippets of my entry. Wow.
That aside, here's one more idiot in the world who can't shut up. Sigh. Must they always be so attention-seeking that they have to post twice? Why do I have a feeling I know where this one's coming from?
Last night, or this morning rather I finally blew my top on her. Not like it matters anyway. Or maybe it matters, but I just don't wanna care anymore. I said that before, the last few times I tried to let go. But this is it. It's over. I can finally let go. Coz I highly doubt she'd come begging me to stay. In fact, she wouldn't even bother with a haughty, nose-in-air, I'm-too-busy-for-you-but-I-care-for-you act. In a sense, I was more of a burden to her anyway. So two people in the world, relieved slightly and temporarily of their burdens.
Ok, I think I'm getting a wee bit paranoid and slightly neurotic here. I'm entering panic phase again. Right now, I'm so darn worried about whether I'll get to stay past 30th April or not. Or do I have to go in and out of SG every 14 days to renew my entry. I'm so afraid I can't get my visit pass. And then there's the scholarships. I haven't done any applications yet, and if I don't, I might jolly well not be able to apply for anything! I'm so terrified that I'll miss all my deadlines. It's times like these I wish I could whine to someone.
Speaking of which, I haven't had anyone to talk to in ages. Argh. It used to be her. It used to be them. But now everytime I open my ICQ list, no one's there. My trusty 'outside' friends are not replying my SMS, or have their numbers lost in my old phone. I've ran out of friends to talk to man. Unbelievable. Right now, I could just do with someone having a cup of coffee in a cafe with me, and listen to me rant unreasonably, uncontrollably, unmanly even. Just let me scream and shout and whine and pout and don't chide me.
I'm just lonely. I need company. I need real company, not some company of a random friend I called up. I miss having real friends. Sigh. I'm depressed. Can you tell?
It's times like these, I wonder who do I call. And when I scroll down the phonebook address, I see a few names that light my face up, but they boil down to, 'this one's working', 'this one's busy', 'this one won't listen to me whine'. Then there are those I wish I could whine to, but our relationship simply doesn't allow for it. Either we're not there yet in terms of friendship, or it's not proper ethically. Haha. Not like I care, but I wouldn't want the other party getting a shock of their life.
Hey, is there any friends for hire service? I think if I started one, I'll be a rich kid, making millions out of the many equally lonely and depressed kids like me out there in the world today.
On a different note altogether. I'm trying very hard not to be sarcastic, and failing at trying. She's blatantly ignoring all my attempts at sarcasm. I dunno whether to be pissed that she's ignoring my sarcasm, or be happy that at least she's ignoring my attempts to pick a fight.
But what I really need now is to shout my head out at her, and have her shout her head back at me. Only she would never do that. She'd just let me shout, and let her anger boil inside. Typical. How I hate her. And yet I love her. I'm experiencing deja vu.
All I wanted was to be there and provide a little support. Not doing a great job eh? Coz suddenly, somehow along the way it became all about me. Me and my need to have a little time with her. Me and my frustration at her total indifference to me. Me and me and me.
Now all that's left of it is something I got for her, which is so bloody overdue that it doesn't even have meaning anymore! But that's not my fault. She stood me up. TWICE. I think I need the present more than she does. At least I can hug it and talk to it in my sleep and shed a few tears on it. To her it would just be another decoration waiting to collect dust.
Now that I've got another appointment with her, assuming she does show up this time, I dunno whether to laugh or to cry. In a sense, it's my fault. I asked for a short time with her, just a moment of her busy life to pass her that dumb present. But if I asked for more, and since I'm at the shit hole of priority on her list, I wouldn't even get to meet Ms Celebrity!
You can see I'm getting bitter. Fuck. Fuck her. Fuck me. Fuck the world. And Fuck you for ever having her and chasing her away. You should have kept her and leave me alone. I don't wanna be her friend no more. I'm sick and tired of it. Yet I'm holding on simply because of what she did ages ago that now she doesn't even give a second to consider about.
I'm simply not her friend. I give up. At long last. I surrender, throw my hands up in the air, and fling in the towel. Screw it, I'm just not game enough for this.
After reading two blogs and an intellectual debate on a forum, I realised that my writing capabilities and my coherent thought will never match those involved there. And I realised that I'm nowhere near being a doctor. Those two doctors exude intelligence in their forum posts! I can feel the word GENIUS oozing out of it. Sigh.
Somehow people can just pen their thoughts down so systematically, so succinctly, so wittily, and so persuasively all at once! I would never dream of getting even half as much people reading my blog as opposed to those other people's. I am so tempted to adopt their style, after all, I am a master of copy, modify, paste. But I know it wouldn't work just as well simply because it's not my flavour.
It's all about personal flavour. And as long as I continue to whine about my own incompetency, I'll never get very far. Apparently, having largely bigot views seem to generate a wide audience appeal. People love to hate you. Covering all your bases make you sound like a bloody crowd pleaser. Oh well.
Went to the doctor's today coz my arm was aching so damn badly. Another sign of old age. Doctor said it was a muscle strain. What? When I was being a lazy bum for the past few days? The whole ordeal cost a whopping 26.90. And here's the best part: I didn't use any of the medicine.
Yup. I think the discomfort climaxed in the afternoon, and I even had a swollen palm, and everything felt terrible as I was searching for a clinic and all. But after I walked out of the clinic, things started getting better. By the time I had downed a bun and some water, and was prepared to take some medicine, the ache had pretty much subsided, save for some residual tolerable pain.
So now here I am, 26.90 poorer, with medicine I probably will not use, and a fine working arm again. Sigh.
Then again, the cream says it relieves rheumatism. Handy for anymore joint aches coming up eh? Heh.
I've been stood up again. And I have to say I understand, and that it's ok. Can I just don't understand? Can I freaking shout my head off at you? But then, you'll say you understand why I'm so mad, and ask why can't I understand your position. Then we'll start arguing.
Sigh. Maybe it doesn't strike home to you yet. Or maybe you just don't comprehend.
I was in love with you then, and you stood me up time after time, and I accepted, thinking it was because you didn't wanna lead me on. Fine. Now we're just friends, and though I may still hold feelings for you, I know my boundaries as well. And still you stand me up.
I'm not someone you push away constantly and then come to when you suddenly have a shitty day. I wish I could be, but I realised now I simply cannot be Mr. Nice guy. It's too much expense to myself emotionally, looking forward to meeting you so much, and only to be told time and gain you can't make it. I don't even know why I bother. Maybe it's just like how someone shakes a corpse refusing to believe it's dead. Futile desperation.
You of all people, should know I hate people who can't keep their word. And the best part is, you have the cheek to ask me why am I being so serious when it's just a dinner!! That really did it. IT IS NOT A ONLY A DINNER! Ever wonder why friendships don't work out? Coz the other party does not understand the significance of meeting up every now and then to keep a relationship alive. If we chatted on the phone once in awhile, yeah, maybe we can make do without it. But we don't. I hardly see you online either. And you told me you don't understand why people don't take friendships seriously. I could ask you the same. Oh well.
I'm torn between being nice to you, and being nice to myself. And that pisses both of us off.
Went back to AJ today, despite all the nervousness and fear that plagued me and threatened to overwhelm me as I approached the school. I hate facing my past, and I'm terrified of meeting people who have judged me, and found me wanting. AJ is a place full of people I don't wanna meet.
But, there are greater things to consider than my own cowardly fear of imagined impressions, so I had to go. And it wasn't all that bad, largely ignored the crowd and walk right through them, my talent. My sphere of invisibility today was so damned effective. Only met one person I knew on the way, and he barely nodded at me. No awkward questions to pretend we're warm. Though it's sad that he's my junior. Sigh. But at least we don't hafta fake it.
Met 2 new people today. I didn't get to interact much with Adele the last time, so that wasn't counted. Nice people la. A few quirks and eccentricities, but hardly noticeable, except that it makes them all the more interesting la. I just sat there and smiled and laughed, no need to say anything. And for most part, it was just 4 of us. So it was pretty ok.
Then evening came and things sucked for a few persons. Parents were at the gates at 9, and created a scene with the teacher who was just about to lock the gates. Apparently Adele's dad was super fierce and she was terrified. Asked me not to go to the gates and leave later. Me on the other hand, started having unfounded worries about getting scolded and all that, and neither did I wanna get left behind alone to wait while the gate was locked. But maybe I should have. I think I caused more trouble than was warranted for. I also didn't get scolded at all, while somebody else got a see-me-tomorrow thing.
And this is the part that makes me feel sick. I could have averted the whole issue by simply saying I was the one who told them school closed at 9. Such a simple white lie. And I never even thought of it until after I was on the bus home. Then the solution that could have saved everyone the scolding finally hit me. I wouldn't get into much trouble, just a stern warning and that's it. Sigh. Why does my brain fail at such times, and let my fear overtake me.
The thing that has always been holding me back has also helped me the most. My sense of self-preservation. Only that I take it too far to protecting from any absolute form of harm, no matter how minor. I can never be a hero if I'm afraid to risk my neck. Sigh.
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
And one guy specially bought dinner back for them. I would never. Sigh.
I think I'm getting old. My rheumatism is getting to me. First, it was a neckache and a headache after staying up till 3am 2 nights ago. This was followed by a backache the next day. Now, barely walking from Takashimaya to Cineleisure, I have a terrible kneeache. Not to mention my horrible memory all along. Am I on some accelerated course to old age and death?
Aging aside, went to watch Along Came Polly with Shoe. She was as beautiful, sweet, and charming as ever, as usual, haha. And so was Jennifer Aniston. But the show failed to deliver. I expected a romantic comedy, but it only tickled a bit, and warmed at the end. I would say there wasn't a good pace, and at some parts, it was rather mundane.
Still, either the ending was touching, or the recent overload of romantism must have short-circuited my senses, but I ended up tearing anyway. Realised I'm getting a bit more cynical these days too. What can I do, it's only been 2 days after Valentine's, and some impressions are still fresh. Heh.
Cab driver asked if she was my girlfriend. I almost replied, I wish.
The greatest thing is to love and be loved. Love is like oxygen. Love is a multi-faceted thing. Love can lift us up where we belong.
Gee, does that mean I'm dying, my life spent unglamorous and dull?
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.
Yeah. The music industry. And me.
Oh man, did I just sound cynical? Hmm. It was a nice show la, very moving, very touching. And she died. Sigh. I was hoping for a happy ending. But it's a real ending. At the same time, yeah man, it all the more makes the show better.
Alright, I fixed my comments system. I didn't really wanted to, coz it's extremely demoralising to see 0, 0 and more 0. But, for the sake of the people who once in awhile pop in from other space, I shall do this in the extreme euphoria of seeing a 1 or 2. Pray that it ever reaches 2. Haha.
To the big D in my guestbook, who are you? And last I checked, light playing on face and hair is a metaphor reserved mainly for female storybook characters, or pretty boys. I'm neither, so it don't exactly work. Thanks anyhow. Heh.
Somethings you can only wish, pray and hope for. And then hope, pray and wish for again. Not in that order, specifically, as there are 6 permutations to play around with, and the infinite times you can repeat the various combinations.
The rest you leave it up to god, fate, destiny, chance, whatever suits your taste. I leave it up to the skies above, whoever may reside there.
Some people, unlike me, have a life. I don't. So I can only resume praying, wishing, and hoping, not necessarily in that order.
Alright, today is Valentine's Day. Ooooh. So I guess this warrants an entry. Only problem is, I got nothing to write about. At all.
So, instead, I'll just narrate the day's events. Went down to Orchard to pick up some cash from a friend. But went to the library first to read, while waiting for that friend. Picked up from where I left off yesterday when I visited the library. Was so engrossed in the book that I forgot time and was late for my meeting!
It feels kinda weird, ironic, and funny rushing to meet a friend on Valentine's day, coz in that little head of mine, it seems as though I'm late for my date, and everyone would be tsk-tsking at this horrible guy who makes the girl wait. And on my way, I saw a couple of very lovely couples, forgive the (is it a pun?) whatever. Finally rushed to Cathay Cinema to find that my friend's 'date', was even later than me. Great. Haha.
After collecting the money, I was at a loss what to do, so decided to go back library to finish my book. Met 2 friends along the way. Met many pretty gals along the way. As I was walking back, I thought it was rather ironic that because I was single, I didn't wanna be at home. But if I were attached, I wouldn't mind being at home. Sigh. The contradictions that Vday brings.
After the book, I came home. Met 2 more friends on the bus. End of story.
Haha, don't really feel in the mood to pen my thoughts la. As everyone tells me, it's just another day man! Yeah, another commercialised day of telling you how much you need company.
Sigh. I am humbled, and I am ashamed of myself. Thoroughly.
For all the times I tell myself I wanna be the bestest friend in the world to anybody and everybody, and do things that I think only 'real' friends will do, I fail to achieve much. And I wonder why I don't have any best friends. Oh well.
I was reading a friend's blog just now, and I felt so lousy. The things her friends do for her, the support they give her, the times they spent with her, they're all things I would never dream of doing, nor would I ever match up to. Little things like always being there, which I never succeed at, because I never make sufficient effort to remember to be there. Things like saying the right things at the right time, and calling up just to check on people, all are undone simply because I never take the time to understand people.
Each line I read I tell myself, hey, I could have done that! But I didn't. Lack of courage is not an excuse. When I think back, I can't rightly remember the last time I did something great for a friend anymore. It's just been full of half-hearted actions, and hiding in the shadows, waiting for someone to make their day because I was afraid.
Bought a gift today, but I think it's worth it. And as I already said, it carries with it 3 meanings.
A token of gratitude, to let you know what may seem everyday to you may well mean a lot to others. You believed in me, and it comes at a time when I need every bit of confidence I can get. It does not always take much to touch a person's life. Little things we do can matter more than the big ones we think about.
A gift of encouragement, to let you taste the sweetness of success if you have yet to do so. And to spur you on to attain even better results. While you may not have reached your goals, you are advancing, and it is important to thus reward yourself every now and then that you do not forget and lose sight of your ultimate goal, or worse yet, give up.
A symbol of commitment, to let you be reminded of the heavy burden that you bear. Everytime you look upon it, you will remember that you have something to achieve, and you are bounded to achieve it. To remind you that I am prepared to sacrifice much to fulfill my commitment, and that you will hopefully sacrifice as necessarily to attain what we set out for.
I realised once again tonight that I like to talk a lot, and listen to myself speak. If I were to argue that it's because my thoughts are worth sharing with others, so will others argue the same, whether or not it is true. But if we listened for one moment to what each other has to say, we'll shut up anyway, and do what we have to do instead. Eh?
You know what? I believe in miracles. And fate. And providence. I mean, I always did, but I only believed as in believed, not as in really believed believed. Get what I mean? I thank god and all the divine powers above for blessing me with such a wonderful year.
Why my sudden outburst? Well, the year has already been so fantabulous I think the angels are all smiling and grinning and laughing and guffawing and whatnot over me. Today just tops of the list. I was in Kembangan to collect my pay for the clown job, and decided to pay dear Wendy Chua, my secondary school psychologist, a visit. We had known each other back then due to my interest in psychology, not because i was mentally sick, but lost contact when I entered JC.
Anyways, I had already made a mental note to drop by when I could, despite not knowing the exact house address, whether if she still lived there, and would she be at home. So today, after collecting my pay, I decided I'd just try my luck. If she moved, or wasn't at home, at least I could tell myself I tried. If there was providence, we'd meet.
It was some time since I last went there, more than 2 years actually, so I kinda forgot which house. I went into the correct lane, but backtracked thinking I went the wrong one, and went further down, only to realise I was on the correct lane earlier. Now here comes the beauty of it. There I am, trudging down the same path again, cursing myself for being so blur, and looking out for the familiar pillars that mark her house, when I see the back of this lady walking towards the door.
I thought to myself, hey, this house looks familiar, and her silhoutte is almost correct. If she'd only turn around. Lo and behold, she turned around. I mean, such impeccable timing! I had arrived just moments after she got down from her car and was entering the house! I waved, and it took her a few long seconds before she recognised me. We spent the rest of it catching up a bit here and there. Was a bit awkward, but she's ever the lovely woman. I later found out she was just back for awhile, and I followed her on her book deliveries and also met her sister Julia and her sister's hubby Adrian.
If this isn't a miracle, I dunno what is. Ok, just metaphorically speaking. But it's really great and fantastic! 2 long years of no contact, and I just pop up at her house like that, and voila, not only does she still stay there, she happens to return to the house! Haha. I miss her la. Even if I do not know how to show it. Oh well, I'm just so darn happy I caught up with her again. Hope I can join some of her projects!
After much deliberation, I've decided I'm a normal kid.
Sigh. That's so boring right? All the fantasies of being secretly psychotic, or schemingly genius, or heartbreakingly romantic, or tragically traumatised, or whatever personalities I've conjured up in my free time, are so not real.
Breaks my heart, it does. I'm just another normal, boring, kid. Like the millions out there trying to convince themselves they're different, when we're pretty much the same.
More clowning around today. It was ok. Got quite a lot of sympathies today. Gee. A clown is supposed to make people love, not inspire 'you poor thing'... I'm a failure at that. Oh well.
By now 3 people thought I was a fake statue. 3 people have jumped at the sight of me. 2 people have complimented my attire. Countless have smiled to themselves or pointed fingers. Several have expressed pity. All in a day's work, not too bad eh? Haha... Even got a job offer! Will check that one out tomorrow.
I suddenly remembered that I wanted to write an entry about Sex and The City. I watched Season 5 and part of 6. The show is simply fantabulous, and thought provoking. My favourite character is Charlotte York, or whatever her last name is now. That is largely due to her almost unwavering belief in love, despite suffering a divorce, and finally getting remarried. She is so idealistic and optimistic in spite of all her doubts, that I really wish I could hold on like her too!
But nah, I figured I follow Carrie Bradshaw more closely... We think a lot more about everything, and at a touch of cynicism to it. It's not that we don't believe, we desperately want to, but we can't help wondering if it's just a tad too unrealistic. Cynical dreamers, that's the word for it. Haha. My little opinion after watching a little of SATC.
But the show really makes you think and wonder about relationships. About love, about life. I think there's a lot of good stuff in there and it's worth a watch. I myself throughly enjoyed it.
Today was first day of clown job! Tiring, but I'm not complaining. Pay is too good. I was a bad clown though, and I feel guilty. I just stood there and stone.
It's pretty interesting how people react though. Everyone looks at a clown. It's just whether it's with awe, fascination, amusement, or horror. Some just keep staring, some quickly turn away when we make eye contact, some keep looking straight ahead. Of course some smile and make small talk.
One lady was nice enough to say, 'I hope they pay you well to make you dress up like this.' That totally made my day. I was too surprised and grateful to say anything, but I wanted to shout, 'Thank you! They did!'
There were several pointing incidents, some scares, and lotsa staring. But I achieved my main purpose. Attracting attention to look at the sign I was carrying! Haha. Someone even look at my board and copy notes. I was publicising the new banking hours.
Went shopping with darling Becky thereafter. So sweet of her to accompany me. I buy only, she follow. Supposed to get Vday gifts, but end up, I bought myself a chain instead. I wanted an ankh pendant for a very long time, and today finally saw it!! So happy! Haha... Then there's the lord of the rings one. I'm getting that soon after I get my pay on Fri!! If I get my pay that is.
Sigh. I'm such a spendthrift. Especially when I have $$. Oh well. Work harder to make more!
I really shouldn't be writing about this kinda stuff, but I can't resist the lure of it. It's bad for my mental health. Laughs. But I'm addicted to it as surely as a chain smoker is to cigarettes. After some long time of resisting, I'm entering relapse.
I meet her for the first time today, and she's even more beautiful in person than I'd imagine. Her conversations are so charged with thought. A wonderful lady. Her boyfriend's so lucky. Dropped her off with him on my way back. Seeing them, my mind automatically wanders to the question, what makes love tick? I shoved the thought out of my head.
Then today I visit a friend's blog. I've been religiously reading, though I doubt she knew, and it's almost like a love journal. I'm such a voyeur, haha. But I can't help wondering, is love worth all the pain? All I've known about love is the beautiful things. What about the ugly things? I see her anguish and her frustration and in the end, her release from her agony. And I see her heart gradually becoming lighter after a relationship. I'm scared by the prospect.
Sex and the City gave me a thought to chew on. Burger was almost so perfect with her! So what if they didn't have much chemistry in bed at first. But what really broke my heart was that how could he let such a small thing get to him, and result in their break-up? I'd have thought a relationship as magical as theirs would need something more epic to ruin it. I'm wrong. It just needs cold, hard, reality. Sigh.
And at the end of the day, I wonder am I blessed that I have never experienced all that emotional turmoil? I'm an emotionally vulnerable person, my relationship with her was bad enough a roller coaster ride that drove me to do rather stupid things. And that was dealing with rejection. Woah. Imagine dealing with an argument or a break up. That would totally crush me. I think. Oh well, this is not science and I can't just extrapolate.
But I do think that the smartest thing I ever did was not to get serious with my 'ex'. In retrospect, we really wouldn't have worked anyways, and I saved her big heartbreak, and myself a headache. My ring finger is sadly empty though. I lost the ring she gave me. I feel so guilty.
Hey man. Single ain't that bad after all eh? Haha... I sound like I'm trying to comfort myself. But I can't go into one without loving her, if that's the only thing I've learnt in my life. And I only ever loved her. I'm too old to play childish games and 'test the waters'. It's amazing to say this, but I'm single because I've only ever loved her. Wow. My mind is boggled. Haha. What a relevation to me.
Sad. I can't even find a girl to love anymore. And no. It isn't about expectations. It's just the way it is.
Met my student today. Wasn't as tough as I expected. Though I was caught off-guard. I prepared for Physics topic 1-5, her school had skipped straight to 6, light, the very topic I had hoped to avoid.
Oh well, a little bullshit from me, an overly talkative student, and a life-saver textbook later, I managed to pull through. Then we went to simple Math that was of virtually no challeng to my powerful intellect! Muahaha... No, more like we were doing simultaneous equations. Gee. How difficult. ;P
Anyways, I am officially confident of teaching sec school Math and Physics. Can't be that tough.
Oh, and I got accepted for the UOB clown job! Apparently, I REALLY will be dressed up as a clown. That is so fun and new! Wish I had a camera man... I wanna see my clown self, haha... Can't wait to find out more tomorrow!!
