:: Wallpaper ::

:: Sunday, December 28, 2003 ::

Hmm... I think what I wished for may be coming true... Haha...

Watched LOTR:ROTK today. Arwen is soooo pretty!!!!! Man, I'm totally in love with that gal... Heh. It was enjoyable, though I prefer the battle scenes waaay more to the Frodo gay scenes. Ok, it's supposed to be brotherly and friend love that's darn strong, but it comes over a bit as gay la. Haha...

Finally saw some of the 'famous' pretty Ipoh gals today. Just when I was leaving. Damn. If things go smoothly and there are no hiccups, by Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning I'll be in Singapore again. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job and stay on. Otherwise, I'm gonna get a lot of nonsense from both my parents, not to mention my grandma and my aunt.

Sigh. Looks like I won't have time to complete my Reminiscence thingy this year, coz I was waaay too lazy. Nevermind, it's a JC look back, so not as bad I guess. Haha. Next time I write, I'll be back in Sg. Yay!!


:: Sam 9:24 AM [+] ::
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It's my birthday!! YAY!!! Hope that what I wish for comes true.


:: Sam 11:33 AM [+] ::
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Reminiscence, Interlude

The things I wanted to do:

1. Sing a duet
2. Co-author a story poem
3. Have a full day out with my bestest friends
4. Spend a day with her in Delifrance
5. Leave my swansong

Of all the things in my list, I only completed one, partially completed 3, and totally had no chance for one. Having a day out with my bestest friends is not as easy as it seems. For one, it's hard to find a day where all can meet, and for two, it's hard to say whether you have any best friends in the first place! Haha... But at least I accomplished it. A day out at the zoo. My most memorable event of the year, for I never knew that the zoo could be such a fun and amazing place when you're with great friends. Pity I didn't get the pictures.

Singing a duet is a very magical thing, something like two souls joining in a temporary union of melodies. It's highly emotional and enrapturing if you give your all to it. We never finished the song, for she never finished learning it. But the few lines we did sing took my breath away.

Co-authoring a story poem is another superb opportunity for 2 people to put their minds together, to share the most intimate of thoughts, the mixing and moulding of 2 people's dreams into something beautiful. We never got there. But it was because of that, that I wrote Autumn Leafs.

My swansong. A whole load of bad luck ensured that I didn't get to leave much. My banner ideas were thrown out the window when they scrapped the banner painting. My publicity event was naught because Family Day was cancelled. My epilogue poem didn't get into the book in time. So I left a limerick that would be erased, and a story that few would read. No indelible mark, but at least they once heard a whisper.

One of the things we always wanted to do, she and me, was to sit down in a cafe all day long and watch people go by. To enjoy a moment of peace and bliss in each other's company, and for once take a backseat as an audience in the theatre of life. Well, I guess the only thing close to this was our little 'conversation' in the corner house cafe.

And with that, a year of wants are shelved into next year's slots.


:: Sam 12:37 AM [+] ::
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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!

Haha... It's Christmas day and I woke up at 12.30pm, with no one in the house but me and my 6 yr old cousin. Was watching the Scrooge and the 3 ghosts of christmas, and strangely found myself tearing. Maybe it was because I was trying too hard to bluff my cousin, or maybe it really struck a cord with me, but I don't recall past encounters with this story being as emotional.

I guess somewhere along the way, I must have grew up and became a little bit like old Scrooge himself. Indeed, this year was fraught with so many could haves and maybes. So many times I wanted to do something, but failed to because I was afraid, because I let myself tell myself it's alright not to do it and somebody would do it anyway. Once in awhile I might have done something right, but many other memories are that of another's life I could have touched, another soul I may be able to lift.

Would you believe if I said I was generous at heart, with all the good intentions trapped in my neurons and synapses, but never firing them off as impulses to my limbs? But I think almost everyone is like that in a way. It is when you choose to come out of your shell to do what you thought of doing that makes you truly a person.

I dunno. I just hope to be a better person. It's Christmas and my birthday soon, and the one thing I wish for more than any pot of gold or some dreamy-eyed idea of my perfect love, is for courage to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do. To me, that is the most important thing in a person's life. That is true freedom, away from the chains of your heart.

Enjoy your Christmas people, and a Happy New Year!!


:: Sam 10:53 PM [+] ::
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Yay! I'm rather excited now, haha... Ok, I know this sounds silly, but I'm going to have a mini birthday celebration!!

Yeah, in my sad sad sad life, the last time I had a proper birthday party was in primary 6. The rest of them were just simple cakes with mom and dad, no song and stuff. Or the occasional with cousins. All very small scale. Partly because my birthday is so near school term and most peeps are busy packing away anyways.

But tomorrow is different! It's early for once, and I get to invite a friend!! Alright, it's only one friend, but it's better than nothing. So allow me to be excited. Haha. Will I get a present? I reckon I haven't received a present in ages. Maybe last year was the only year in 6. Bah. Oh well. But I should be happy, birthday with my favourite cousin, my favourite auntie, and well, not exactly my favourite friend, but can do.

Tum tee tum. Ah. The simple joys of life.

And it's not my birthday yet. It's just an early celebration. =P


:: Sam 8:03 AM [+] ::
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I bought a new phone today. 3100. RM748. I have no idea for the life of me whether that's expensive or not. But I feel half cheated, coz the only thing it has over my 8310 is color, otherwise, it lacks a hell lot of other things. I'll get over it I suppose.

Shopping for the phone with the kids was hell though. While I was trying to have a good look at the various models, one of them would be busy tugging on my shirt sleeve or my pants. Bleargh. Then I hafta entertain them with scissors paper stone while trying to listen to the salesman at the same time. How sweet. But at least it gave me something to do and a place to hide when my mom was busy wrangling with the salesman. When he tried to use me to gain ground, I'd just talk to the kids and pretend I was too occupied, haha...

Went for some symphonic band concert later on. Was so so la. 3 hours straight of sitting on hard plastic chair. What an ass-perience. Bleargh. First half was not as good, except for the sudden surprise of pulling an audience up to sing a song while the band played. Second half was great though. The japan-m'sia band was fantabulous! Lively music, solo plays, lotsa antics like dancing and whatnots. But in the end, all I wanted was to get out of there coz my arse hurts. So I guess it was just a fair rating.


:: Sam 8:47 AM [+] ::
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Woah. I'm just starting to realise how challenging it is to take care of kids. Today had me growing to understand my role as a big brother even more. I guess I didn't really spend as much time with my cousins the last trip round, but also because now there's 2 of them to take care of. They are like super energetic!!

Spent half the afternoon staring at the older one trying to play Counter Strike. Let me emphasize *trying*. I was watching him walk around aimlessly and being slaughtered by bots. Even after teaching him, I doubt he'd understand much anyways. So a few hours flew by like that. How interesting. Bleargh. And I can't imagine how I looked during lunch earlier when I was holding one in each hand as we walked to the hawker centre. I hafta do large amounts of coaxing to make them eat, coz I'm the most influential among all there, being the only guy, and promises of me playing with them later is oft used as a bargaining chip by the adults.

At night, spent another half hour trying to get them to sleep. They just won't lie down! My. I wonder how their mother have the patience to see them through. But then again, I doubt they'd be bugging mommy incessantly to play with them. So there. Still, it kinda melts your heart when one of them starts kissing you all over and smiling that sweet innocent smile at ya. Sigh. Kids. I hate 'em and I love 'em. I dunno what to do with 'em.

Soon, I'll be a qualified nanny too. I'm looking for a job. Any takers?


:: Sam 8:55 AM [+] ::
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Screw my paternal instincts, haha. It's one thing to be looking at somebody's civilised, well-behaved 8 year old, it's totally another thing to have a 6 year old and a 3 year old (I think) screaming at your side incessantly, shouting, 'Kor Kor, play with us.' Bleargh. Spent half of last night screaming with them. It's infectious I tell ya. At this rate, I'll soon be an overgrown baby myself. I woke up this morning talking to my mom with impatient baby temper. Urgh.

I just realised my aunt's place uses a 28.8K modem. Ouch. No wonder the connection here is so slow. Suddenly I regret ever saying anything bad about that cyber cafe in Penang, except for the heat. Oh well. Not like I can do much with 2 kids yelling their heads off beside me. Fortunately they still have school. Time out for me. But Sunday is a full day I guess. Sigh.

Read an interesting poem last night. Something about our corrupt love story. About our minds having too much influence from TV and whatnots, with all the fairytale stories of love. That is so true. And I remember the line from Man and Boy, "they don't write songs about what happens when a marriage goes wrong, they only write songs with happy endings" something to that flow... Heh. Maybe I should pull myself out of my little reverie world then? But alas, where would I be? Haha...


:: Sam 7:21 PM [+] ::
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Reminiscence, Part I

LOVE II

In addition to a woman I love, there is a girl I love. The nature of it is different, of course. This girl was, for a while, my best friend. The best I ever had, and may well be the best I ever will have for quite some time. Hence, I had loved her as a friend. Why I choose to write this as love and not as friendship, was because I did love her as well, but the circumstances in which I loved her was different, and because I loved her so much I wanted her to be a friend, a buddy, not some short-lived modern day definition of a girlfriend.

You know, sometimes in life, somebody comes along that you seem to connect so easily to, like magic. She was one such person. We started off unique, without the common formalities of two strangers getting to know each other. The first day I called her was the start of a daily affair that only came to a halt when we fell apart. I never missed a single day of her voice. And in our electronic union of the souls, we exchanged our lives and our dreams. We created our own worlds of fantasy. Each conversation was concluded with sweet smiles on our faces, and that oh-so-beautiful sigh. Perhaps it was what that would lead to our fallout later. Unlike Amanda, my love for Wui was built on our relationship, that magical friendship and time we had together, instead of love for a beautiful someone. It was love of a more practical and ironically, more dreamy reality. Practical in that it was borne out of both of us, and not just one of us, but dreamy in that it thrived on what we dreamed of, not what we lived.

But in bliss, such things are seldom noticed. She was my confidante, and she gave me the happiest and most peaceful moments of my life for some time. Hearing her voice on the other side of the line simply made my heart lighter. It was like having some invisible hand massage me, loosening my tight muscles from a day of work, relaxing every part of my body. Such things are real hard to find nowadays.

Of course, in a world where reality is always knocking on the door, it's hard to hold on to make-believes. It's difficult to believe that a fantasy story of your life can be real. You just can't be happy forever in the real world. Sometimes, I hafta wish people would believe it's just that easy. Lock away all that false facades and suspicions, you have something that is so pure and so fundamental, something that every other human being can connect to. I guess somewhere along the way, one of us just woke up from our dream, refusing to believe it possible, and that's where things went downhill.

I'm just lamenting. I'll never know the real story, her side of the story. But suffice to say, wonderland is over. Still, I'm grateful, very grateful for the times we've had. And for once, the whole thing was nothing but pure happiness and joy, of the simple company of another understanding human being. The only lesson I have to take away is that sometimes, there's just no lesson at all, and nothing can be done about it.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Life can be beautiful. So let it be.


:: Sam 11:19 PM [+] ::
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Oh ya. I just read Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. It's so my kind of book. Totally inspired to write a book. Actually, I was planning on one already, but this all the more encourages me.

Something's seriously wrong with my system. I'm barely 17, almost 18, and yet my paternal instincts are kicking in? Even before Man and Boy, I was already thinking about how I'd like my kids to be. During Man and Boy, I was like so identifying with him. After Man and Boy, well, I just started looking at every young kid and thinking how my kid would be. Sheesh. And I thought only women had that maternal thingy.

Too much fantasy in a make-believe world is bad for health. Pretty soon, I'll find myself walking up to babies and cooing. Ew...


:: Sam 10:39 PM [+] ::
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Yay! It seems everytime I come back, there's something new to gripe about. My place is a bug paradise. At night, when the sun goes out and the light bulb comes on, the bugs come out to play and party. Gee. Just the other night, the whole ceiling was full of 'em!! Not that I'm afraid of bugs or whatever, but it's kinda irritating when you're trying to sleep, and every minute or so, another bug starts crawling on your leg or hand or body or head. Sigh. I should be glad I'm close to nature eh? Getting in touch with Mother Nature, where I belong. Yeah right.

Oh, and I'm getting pretty handy around the house. I helped my dad remove and fix a door, and suddenly I'm deshelling raw prawns too. At this rate, I can sign up for handyman + housemaid jobs. I just need to figure out how to cook something more decent than my mom, haha... Did I mention that Penang is a bloody food paradise? I did? Let me reiterate. I just had the best bowl of chendol in all my 17+ years of life. And that, is a long time, trust me. I should know. It costs one freaking ringgit for a large bowl that is strong in flavour, has gelatinous rice in it, and huge red beans. Basically, it beats anything you can get in S'pore or KL, both for price and taste. Ah, the perks of a backwater area.

By the way, anyone seen kampung houses on stilts? We've got some here. Not like it's anything new to me of course, but they're improvising. It used to be pure wood, now they got a bit of concrete around too... As foundation for the stilts. Interesting. Haha... Oh well, at least I'm going down to KL tom, then to Ipoh after that. Back to where the Internet is at my fingertips and 24/7. Where the bugs don't party and the food is bad. And where I can finally fix my phone or get a new one. Sigh... All my lost numbers. This is gonna hurt. Sobz...


:: Sam 10:25 PM [+] ::
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Man, I suck at painting. And I'm seeing yellow everywhere I go... Spent about 2 hours with my dad today painting a 2.5 by 4.5m wall. Approximately that is, I'm lousy at estimating distances. Anyways, judging by the number of uneven patches on the wall, I pretty much can't make it, haha... Oh, and we're the only apartment painting the walls, as far as my eye can see. The rest all remain the same magnolia white! Sigh, what do I know, I'm just a kid. *Baa*

Right, so I guess it's not that bad being stuck on some ulu(read=isolated) island after all. I get to go to the beach, which is just *gasp* 7km away. I get to do handyman work like sawing and hammering and painting. Oh wait, I just watched as he hammered. Food here is cheap and good, no stomachaches so far. And since drive to town is an hour, every trip I get to listen to a free of charge, good old father to son lecture, which btw, ranges from driving is dangerous to computers are bad to driving is dangerous again. He loves repeating himself. Oh yeah, not to forget the family warmth. I get a free drama serial here. The constant heated arguments between my parents serve to turn up the temperature a notch. Ah, the familiar fuzzy feeling of family love eh? Heh.

That aside, my trusty 8310 has conked out on me. My buddy for 2 years or so, just suddenly died like that. No rhyme or reason. So now my only source of human connection is deprived from me too. Lovely. Now I hafta come to this hot place and pay money to use this junk. Not that I'm complaining or what, I should be thankful I'm not in a jungle. But coming from a techno age, where cybercafes sport loud sound blasters with state of art 3D graphics accelerators, hey man, I'm living in the stone ages...

Enough griping. Hope my phone returns soon enough, or I'll have to send for servicing.


:: Sam 11:02 PM [+] ::
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Reminiscence, Part I

LOVE

There is only one woman I have ever come to truly love in my life so far, as much as love can mean to a person who has never experienced stronger emotions. She may not be pretty as far as pretty goes, but she's got the sweetest, homeliest look in the whole wide world. And she's gentle and loving, a caring angel sent down from heaven to lift me up. OK, I'm exaggerating, but you get the drift. She really is my angel after all. It would only be so apt to say she's once, twice, three times a lady, and I love you...

Haha... So it would be that life sometimes have strange lessons to teach, and strange ways of teaching. Her heart belongs to someone else. But I'll never forget those moments I spent with her, trying valiantly to capture her attention all but in vain. The letters I used to write, the little gifts I bought or made. It interesting how you can surprise yourself with your creativity when put to the test. More importantly, I'll never forget the rollercoaster rides of emotions, the anguish, the pain, the fear. The inexplicable rage and disappointment that wipes out all strands of logical thought, and shreds every last bit of practicality in me.

She turned my life around that night when she came to me and told me not to run away. She rejected my love as a lover, but embraced my love as a friend. She accepted every gift and understood my need for release. She did not turn me away when I needed her most, she merely set the boundaries. She was patient. And the thing that touched me most, she was not afraid. She was not afraid to know me, not afraid to spend time with me, not afraid to help me through the time I was going through. Gradually, I learnt to love her happily, I learnt to love her without needing her, I learnt to love her without desiring anything in return. And I still do love her.

She taught me the most important lesson in my life. Or rather, my time with her taught me. Expect nothing, and you shall not be disappointed. Give without expecting a return. Love with all you can love. Lessons now that I try to keep close to my heart.

And sometimes, it gives me strength. When I think about all those other people who have insulted me, and accused me of wrongs I disagree with, I think of her, and I remember that there is someone out there who stands with me. Someone who understands me truly, not just caring for me out of sympathy. I hope.

Anyways. Thanks for all that you have given me. Thank you.


:: Sam 9:16 PM [+] ::
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Alright. Back home in Penang now. Ah, the memories it brings back. Not as bad as I expected. If you were listening to my dad, you'd have thought we were living in some squatters of sorts. I mean, 'living with everybody else' ?? What a way to put it. We just happened to stay in some low cost apartment. I'm happy with it, except that it's miles away from civilisation and the nearest cybercafe has no aircon, and uses self assembled antiques. Ouch. Not to mention I'm couped up here like a prison. Sigh.

End of year, end of school, end of phase of life. Typical time to do reflections. I shall then, and over the next few weeks, I'll try. In the mean time, I'd like to declare that I'm totally lost, coz I no longer wanna pursue a medical career to specialise in psychiatry, the road is waaay too long. My alternatives are pretty limited coz it's too late to do English, I need an A level English. Left with psychology or econs or philosophy or the like. I seem like a piece of flotsam drifting in the great big sea. Oh well. I puzzle on that later.

Right. Entry's a bit long already, but I suppose I can indulge. This is gonna be an essay man. Prom was great. Not all fantastic, but lovely nonetheless. The usual plunging necklines, sexy barebacks, tempting skirtlines, and classic suits. And I finally took a picture with Charlotte!!!!! Heh. My 1st 3 months crush. Whoops. Otherwise food was not all that great, programme was pretty dull, and one roll of film is simply not enough. Speaking of film, 2 dudes I knew lost their cameras on the way to prom, left it in the cab, while another dude went with nothing and walked home with a lucky draw 1st prize digicam. Some people just have all the luck. Good or otherwise.


:: Sam 8:55 PM [+] ::
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This is it. Prom is over. Going home tomorrow. That's the end of my 6 year career in Singapore I guess. My future is now bleak and in a haze, with no sense of direction whatsoever. Let's hope a light will shine on my path.

Farewell people. See you all again next year.


:: Sam 10:04 AM [+] ::
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I so totally love my cousin man!! Wahaha... Today went JB and walked the whole day searching for my dinner and dance clothing. She was so sweet to accompany me throughout, making comments and bringing me places. What would I have done without her, I dunno... She did all the thinking, I only did the wearing. Wait a minute, er, then I'm dressing to her taste? Hmm. Oh nevermind. Anyways, she's so nice, ever the big sister to me, haha.

Must thank Chee for waiting one hour for me today too... I forgot to take my passport, and only realised that upon reaching the Immigrations. How absent minded of me. Cab to and fro costs me 20 bucks. Lucky Chee waited for me with my things.

Today has just been a whole list of thankful events. Despite the misfortunes, I think I'm rather blessed, haha... Been smiling the whole day till my cheek muscles ache. Feels good to be around family eh? Haha...


:: Sam 4:55 AM [+] ::
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Yeah man. I just lost the entry I was writing. What a piss off. I'm too lazy to rewrite.

Basically, I went to watch Matrix Revolutions alone, something I've never done before. Going to the movies alone that is.

I loved revolutions coz of it's theme of human belief, which I too hold dear to my heart.

There, summarised the whole lot of crap I was going to say earlier. Grrrr.

Hope, Love... are constructs of the human mind to make a life without purpose meaningful. But it is these beliefs, so complete and irrational they may be, that allow for the unpredictable to occur, and for everything to be possible.


:: Sam 5:22 AM [+] ::
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This is waaaaaay long overdue, but EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER!!!!!!

Just came back from chalet yesterday. Got freaking high on alcohol. Pretty interesting experience it seems. We were drinking 40% vodka and I was red in the face like after the 2nd round. My eyes were bloodshot too. Felt light as a feather, but strangely very sober. Then when vodka was done, we got 2 black cats, also 40% alcohol, and finished it between 3 guys, when we were supposed to save 1 bottle for the next day. Became super-duper high, practically floating, but I could still walk straight and was quite aware of what's happening. Weird. Either I got a good beer belly, or what they say about being drunk ain't all that true.

But of course, the most memorable and interesting part of the evening was around 2 or 3 am when someone beside me woke up and puked. Barely missed me, but hit my pillow. They quickly carted him off to the toilet. Another guy followed suite and entered the toilet to puke. Me, the last of the 3 mad hatters, decided that maybe I should also empty the excess alcohol and joined them to puke. It's quite comical la, 3 guys puking in the toilet, one totally zonked out, one still on high and playing with the shower, and me, pretty much ok, fortunately. I shall not go into details on the rest, but suffice to say I'll be careful next time when I drink, since I puke even when not drunk.

Sigh. It's so uninteresting. Oh well. I gotta start packing, then I'm leaving this hell-hole forever. Finally. After 6 years. It's bittersweet. And I'm gonna miss a lot of friends, though it's contentious whether it'll be reciprocated, haha. Hafta get my stuff for Dinner and Dance too. Still not sure what to wear. Gotta go hunt.


:: Sam 10:50 PM [+] ::
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