:: Wallpaper ::

:: Tuesday, November 25, 2003 ::

Been playing the past few days, hardly studied for my papers. I'm like a broken record, but yeah, I'm so damn dead. I don't even have the will power to do a last minute prep already. What's going to happen to my future? Sobz...

You know, it's funny how sometimes we fool ourselves. We tell ourselves nice things, like I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna be able to do it. Or like there's someone out there waiting for me. C'mon. Get a life. It's just a sorry excuse to comfort yourself coz in reality, you're just not up to it, just not good enough. And it's real sad sometimes how reality just sucks. It's all right to live in your little fantasy make believe world and pretend that you're the king, but every now and then bits and snippets of the real world forces its way through and shatter the foundations of your dream world.

Like the son-of-a-bitch with a nice girlfriend. Or the cocky bastard with good grades. Or the miserly shithead with loads of cash.

Makes you wonder what the hell is going on in the world. Why can't you be like that too? It seems that all the suckers are the ones with the good life. And well, in a twisted kind of way, it makes it fair. Fair coz they are retarded and spastic, so they need the good things in life. While we are not. It's so much more easier to think of life as a wicked dramedy, with hope that the sad moralistic hero who sticks to his guns will finally triumph. Only that in real life there are no happy endings.

Why don't we just all lose our morals then? Be another asshole that pisses everyone to the core? Coz we're dumb, and we believe that there is some divine holy intervention that will judge us in the afterlife. Well, the intervention is slow to come, and I'm living my life right now, not later. It's really tempting to succumb. But of course, if you are riding the wave of success, congratulations buddy!! Just remember to be nice and easy about it when you're trampling on me ya? As for the rest, welcome to my world. Unfortunately, I'm just as likely to step on you to climb up, coz I'm just about as sick and evil as the rest of the world.

Sigh. That's life for you. Or rather, my life for you. A buncha nightmares that I really wish were nightmares. There is no justice for me, only eternal damnation. There are a lot of things I still do not understand. Like is it my fault if someone misunderstands me and ruins a perfectly fine friendship? Why do I have to be the one suffering the consequences? Questions with no answers. But I concur. The human mind is weak, and without a framework to support it, it will crumble and fall to bits. Hence we support it with dreams and fantasies.

I can only hope to wake up from this nightmare. Alive.

It is better to dream a dream than to live a nightmare. Just pray it never catches up with you.


:: Sam 6:42 AM [+] ::
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Last leg already. 4 more papers to go, and the 2 most deadly yet. The S papers. Sigh.

Went to JB today, to meet my favourite cousin, yay! She's so skinny now. Met her bf too. Nice guy, though a bit quiet at times. Anyhow, I approve. Haha. But it really felt great. I haven't had someone I felt so relaxed about in a loooong time... Someone who I can rattle off without thinking, someone who'll just listen and laugh. And I haven't been able to entertain people in a looong time too. For once, I'm not talking about myself, and I'm actually making mildly amusing and interesting conversations, instead of my usual dreary and mundane ones. For once, I can actually make a good jest every now and to make someone laugh out loud. I'm feel so like myself again. And the best part? I'm rattling off in English, with minimal lapses or switches to Chinese.

Suddenly miss an all English speaking environment again. Miss the daydreams and what ifs we used to have, miss the verbal puns and witty arguments we used to have. Miss the simple playing around with the language. Somehow it doesn't feel as intimate when I'm speaking Chinese. Can't seem to manipulate it to the way I wanna use it. And I'm losing touch with English too. Sigh. I find myself a bore. Feel so uninteresting, haha.

Was travelling back alone. Feels abit weird, being in an unfamiliar place. I was almost scared for awhile. Been in my comfort zone for too long. Then while in the bus, I gave my sit up to a lady in her 50s or 60s. Feels weird too. Such a dilemma, coz she didn't seem all that old to me. It was simply to ease my guilt I guess, and I felt no pride in it. And the irony. Few moments later, I noticed an even older lady standing slightly ahead. Makes me wonder if I gave the sit up to the right person, not that I usually even give my seat up. I normally just stand to avoid the moral dilemma. But then again, if I'm standing, I should ask someone sitting to give the seat up right? That's what they teach us in civics. Fortunately, I'm not that altruistic. Me and my morals. I'm just another superficial moral altruists, just trying to appease my conscience. Lucky not everyone is like me, or the world would be even sadder than it already is.


:: Sam 2:53 AM [+] ::
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Added another writing... It's an old one...

I'm losing my concentration for mugging again. Just can't wanting to distract myself. Even walking aimlessly around is better than facing the books. At this rate, I'm not gonna get anywhere.

Downloaded loads of Wierd Al Yankovic. Check the guy out. He's quite funny, especially for some of his music videos. I'm bored stiff la. Can't wait for all this to end. Just a week more. A week more...

And I don't wanna think about the moving nightmare after exams. Sheesh.


:: Sam 1:20 AM [+] ::
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What rating is your journal?
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Gee. Really.


:: Sam 8:09 PM [+] ::
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Fixed the archive link. Too lazy to fix the comments link. Might be moving anyways. Added a link, for my writings. Figured that maybe it might make me write more, haha. With sufficient practice, I might just improve! Whatever... =P


:: Sam 5:17 PM [+] ::
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Listening to 3am piano acoustic now. Love that song. It's beautiful, though I don't exactly quite understand what it's about.

Dunno if this person visits my log, but just wanna say that just trust everyone anyway. It's naive, but I prefer to think that everyone's nice. And in a way they are, deep down. It just gets buried somewhere along the way beneath life's protective mechanisms. I still remember the story of eyes being the window to a person's soul. Of how you see who a person really is inside, stripped naked of all the layers built up over the years. That's why you smile when you see a baby, you smile to see another human being, only that this one's pure and untainted. Haha.

First leg of the exams are over. Too much recall work. Too straightforward. Not my kind of paper. I'm so gonna die. Maybe I really should sit down and mug the good old fashion method. I can't believe Bio was pure memory, no data analysis. Sigh. As always my policy, sad as it may sound, hope that somebody out there is doing worse than me.

I could really fall head over heels in love with love, if I'm not already. And beauty. Yeah. I love beautiful things. The way some people write. It's just makes you go 'siiiigh...' Reading some of the logs, it conjures up such beautiful images and sceneries. I feel as if I'm living my life through the window of somebody's eyes. The places written about form a vivid impression in my mind, and what's left I fill in with my imagination. It's so easy to slip into the life of another person, and experience the longings, the desires, the joys, the anguish, the fears, everything in the emotional cook pot. I so love people who write beautiful. Haha... Wish I could too...


:: Sam 4:57 AM [+] ::
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In a desperate and somewhat futile attempt to bolster my word power as a last-ditch effort to ace GP, I shall pen a verbose and power packed entry. I hope. While it is not an absolute sine qua non that I possess an au fait grasp of vocabulary, it would still be a tour de force for me to accomplish such a task. After all, the raison d'etre of 6 years has culminate in an endgame of papers, a fait accompli determined by the higher powers. There is no harm to have a ephemeral and superflous knowledge that an otherwise philistine me would not possess. I would take joy in gloating at my friends in a didactic manner, hurling dogmatic and intransigient arguments that they are incapable of refuting. After some cursory research, a neither comprehensive nor eclectic word list has been generated. With luck, it will aid me in cajoling my markers that my essay is cogent and allow me a carte blanche in presenting avant-garde ideas, even with risque remarks. I will be the quintessence of a sudden language aficionado suceeding, vis-a-vis the common mugger stereotypes, to finally prove that I'm the de jure genius.

Haha. I ran out of new words. May add more later. Wonder if my grammar is correct.


:: Sam 1:52 AM [+] ::
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Sometimes, it's real tough being a guy.

Read the article on the policeman convicted for having a girl perform consensual oral sex on him. How ridiculous is that? If you wanna charge, charge on the grounds of forced sexual acts! Charged for a consensual act that is rapidly gaining widespread acceptance in the world today is absolutely unfair. They might as well go tapping on every household and arresting all the married couples.

And the girl was not charged. She also comitted a crime of performing an 'unnatural act'. She should rot in prison with him for reporting something she agreed to. Bleargh. When asked who gets charged when a man performs oral sex on a woman, there was no answer from the authorities. Wonderful. That means everything gets blamed on the guy la?

It's so easy to be used as a weapon! A lawyer cited the example of her client, who got threathened by his spouse after she performed consenting oral on him and reported to the police. Even now, so many famous male figures are continually accused of rape and outrage of modesty, whether founded or otherwise. It's the woman's word against the man's. The system is skewed in the woman's favour. Judges who support the guy gets accused of sexism.

While I agree it's supposed to protect the woman's interest, and sometimes things are really in the grey, but still. I don't see laws springing up that allow men to charge women for seduction. The inherent assumption is that males are all after sex, but no one sees the subtle sex that females have employed throughout the ages. So much for inequality. I must applaud the 20th century feminists for their great sweeping victory.

Yeah yeah. I know. There are still so many instances of inequality of the sexes. Honestly, I don't believe in gender equality. Women can be allowed to compete in Olympics, but they cannot compete with men. It's just different. Let there be status equality, but please, somethings remain for men, some for women. We just have to learn to give and take.


:: Sam 9:43 PM [+] ::
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Bleargh. Sudden wave of nostalgia. Was on friendster when I saw the 'Box' again. Sigh. Can't help feeling bittersweet when I see an entry there planning their next outing. Only that I'm no longer in it.

Sometimes I still wonder, what if? There are a million and one what ifs, and each what if leads to another. So there's no point. But I still ask. Just somebody gimme something new to think about? Somebody please pat me gently on the head and whisper soothingly into my ear that it's not my fault, that it's nobody's fault, it's just how things happen...

It's over. But I still can't get completely over it. Comes back to me every now and then. And all I can do is sigh.

Sigh.


:: Sam 7:45 AM [+] ::
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Today was another fruitless attempt at studying. Ended up telling Nei my life story, haha. Somewhere along the way, I guess I just had to touch on love.

I suddenly realised how long it's been since I really thought of her. It's a weird kind of feeling. To be in love with someone, and yet not think of the person at all. Perhaps it's arguable that I'm not really in love. But that doesn't explain the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I do think of her, how that smile just slowly creeps its way along my face and forms on my lips, and how I just sigh in contentment at the beautiful thought of her. It doesn't explain how my heart skips a beat when I receive her messages, or my day lightens up when she greets me in school, or my desire to just bask in her angelic presence.

I miss her. I miss the days I spent trying to draw her attention, finding excuses to spent time with her under the guise of group study. I miss talking to her on the phone about life and philosophy, and whining about my troubles. I miss her soft perfume, the familiar smell that wafted ahead announcing her arrival. I miss just having her around me. I miss anything and everything about her.

After such a long time. It feels like a parched man realising he's thirsty, and desperately digging the sands for a last drop of moisture. And with each tiny droplet found, its sweetness electrifies the senses like the nectar of life, bringing back feeling to an otherwise fading sensation...

I still love you gal, haha. I'll see you soon after the 'A's...


:: Sam 7:24 AM [+] ::
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One word: Devastation.

Sigh. Future is bleak now. I just wonderfully ruined the best opportunity in my life. You could say it's a learning point, only that this lesson already knocked on my door earlier this year. Bygones be bygones then. I'm doomed to eternal mediocrity. Amen.


:: Sam 3:51 AM [+] ::
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