:: Wallpaper ::

:: Tuesday, September 30, 2003 ::

Bleargh. I'm semi sick. Was sneezing the whole way to skool today. Then had a couple more bouts of sneezing fits in skool. Hate it manz. And I had been resting well! Even slept early last night at 11 plus! So unfair. Gee, and strangely I didn't fall sick during exam period when I slept so lil...

Today was yet another dreadful day. GP put me right down into the ground, and Chem prac covered the hole. I haven't seen the light of any 70 yet! Shit. At least let me score one A and a few Bs if I'm gonna get an E for Bio... Sigh. And no, just because you did worse than me and you tell me that, it ain't gonna make no diff. Somebody's always higher, and somebody's always lower. I just don't like hanging on the lower end. ARgh!?

Saw Can today. Poor gal, hopping around on one foot. I had thought she would be able to walk 1st. Do you know it's bad to hop around like that? You can cause vibrations to your other leg and injure it, and if you don't hop properly, you will hurt your ok leg too. Should use crutches la, or don't come skool. But guess seeing all your friends more than makes up for it eh? Anyways, better take care of it and don't let it worsen again. Even if you thing you can walk gingerly, don't. May hurt what's healing. Oh well, I'm not the doctor, you should know your leg best. ;P

Kinda reminds me of Ting and the time he broke his leg. Had to go around in crutches. And I tell ya, a walk from classrooms to canteen in my skool ain't short. I think it's about AJ end to end. Or slightly less. Bad at estimations, haha. Yups. But it took about 10-15 min to get him from canteen back to class. Poor fella got tired of the crutches, and we raced on one leg hopping back to class instead. Playing these things in primary skool really help, hehe. Wonder how he's doing in Aussie now. Some rich kids just have it going for them. Maybe he'll let me stay over again this year, haha. His parents prob sick of seeing me liao.

Yen Pin idiot too. When he 1st sprained his leg, ooh, the bloody fanmail, haha. Mr. Para para King. Gee. Then when he broke his leg later, wah, celebrity liao. But quite fun la, walking around with a lame guy and his crutches, entertaining his well wishers and helping him out. Am I destined for nursehood instead of doctorship(?) ? Where's he now, I cannot remember, but bet he's probably enjoying life while we suckers rot here. Lucky ass.

Sigh. Right. Nostalgia. I'm reaching the end of my road too. After this it's a new journey once over. Better end this with a bang. I hope.


:: Sam 12:43 AM [+] ::
...

I feel... defeated. There's no other way to put it. Every battle I have fought, I have either won, or drawn. If I had to retreat, it was with the knowing I had yet to put up my best fight, and that I would be back again.

Yet, this battle I have lost, totally and completely. I feel the pain of my battle wounds and the casualties. I feel the shame of a veteran general admitting his fall. Never have I felt so bitter the taste of defeat.

Perhaps the tricks of this old dog no longer works. His techniques are grown old and rusty, no longer the swift, polished strikes they once were. Senile.

Sigh. I'm devastated. Really. There's always the next battle, but to think I put up a perfect fight. It despairs me. Every little thing I've learnt since my younger days were put to use, every ounce of mental strength harnessed. Have I reached my limits?

There is one distraction. Sigh. I cannot break my addiction to the computer. It beckons to me like a siren.

Guess I'll just hafta work doubly hard. My talent has long expired and it's time to put in some good old fashion hardwork. Oh well.

Realised I have a habit of overdoing things today. It's not the first time I noticed, of course, but I overdid something again today. That's probably why they say I'm always trying too hard. Either I overdo it, or I underdo it. I don't seem to understand the word moderation.

Dunno what's the damages incurred this time. But screw it. I have more papers to come tomorrow.

Somebody help me.


:: Sam 2:42 AM [+] ::
...

Sigh. I'm in love. Again. Or for the purists, I have a tremendous crush, coz how can you love someone you don't know much about? Haha... I know, I know, so get over it already. Let some poor fool day-dream abit.

She's lovely. Really really lovely. I suppose it's my atavistic nature to love all things beautiful, and her pulchritude by far exceeds any I've seen, in a long long time. Like a moth to a flame she draws me, and yet the heat singes my wings before I'm even close. I crawl about in the light of her light, in the warmth of her flame, but I cannot approach even if it is to burn myself in her fire.

I resisted it once. I walked away. Healed my wings, and told myself the dangers of a flame. I hardened my resolve and shut her out. But then comes again the darkest night, in which the flame most brightly burns, and the moth is drawn to it once again. Inexorably, inexplicably. The beauty of it is inescapable, a gentle lull of a trap to tantalising to resist.

Beautiful words, and beautiful thoughts. Line after line reaches out and wraps around me, enveloping me in chains I do not wish to break free. Ah... Her beauty shines like a beacon, searing me like a firewhip lashed around me, and the pain is a sweet addiction. I am torn. Desire and determination fight a fierce battle. I will not be tempted.

If she could for one moment see what I see, would she be shaken? If she were real for each illusion I had imagined, would she be swayed? And If I never set eyes on her beauty again, would I be moved?

Sigh. I am going nuts. Thanks anyways. Better to have seen the flame and felt its delicious pain, then to have live in darkness not knowing what delirium was.

As for other things. School starts tomorrow. I dread the return of papers. So gonna die manz.

Been trying to be nice to some nice people. But dunno if I came across as well meant. I think I overdid it as usual. Well, hey, I tried! Shouldn't think so much about what people think my intentions are, but just do what I feel is right. If they misconstrue it, that's just too bad... Whatever.


:: Sam 1:40 AM [+] ::
...

I realised I can be pretty absent-minded sometimes, especially when I'm thinking about things. Can't multi-task much, haha... And something's been occupying my mind lately, theology and christianity in particular, revived last night again no thanks to darling Keas. Got so blur that I was the only one in hall who forgot to keep handphone outside, and forgot to buy someone's lunch.

My fundamental point of contention is why must there be the only one and true god? Can't all roads lead to Rome? Why must there be a single doctrine? I can probably answer all those questions from their perspective, but I'm not convinced by those answers. Or refuse to believe that such a god can exist or should. I embrace all, believe that every religion is a manifestation of god in different forms, to cross all cultures, omniscient, present to even those lost. I believe the general, but not the specifics.

Like a well cut diamond, there are so many facets and angles of admiring its beauty, surely there is more than one way to look at god? Bible is perfect (I give that assumption), but man who interprets it is not. Each prophet, or whatever you call it, interprets it differently, and deviation is necessary, even good. So why reject? Nobody knows who is false, nobody knows who is true, so to each his own. But then again, I guess if that's ok, I will have to accept that their religion calls that they save those who is considered lost by their religion. Which I do. Just that... Convince me, break my reason, and I'm all yours.

Perhaps break would be inappropriate. Answer my questions. I'm not an atheist who denies god, I merely wish to keep my mind open. I do not attack, so I cannot be countered. I only ask, so answer me, satisfy my doubts. There is desire in me to know why is a religion so possibly narrow-minded, or if I'm mistaken on that, then why seemingly so?

The only apparent conclusion that I can gather, that does nothing to satisfy, but merely serves to irk me and frustrate me, is faith. Faith is the root of this unanswerable questions. Faith that each man believes the gospel truth, untainted, while the rest are in some way misguided. But turn that chessboard around. We reach an uncompromisable situation. How can there be any solution if two extremes hold steadfast to their beliefs? Worse, this is not a situation of two extremes, but rather a spectrum of uncompromisable stands.

Faith serves as a form of rationalisation. Anything can be rationalised away with faith. They have faith in their god, and in turn he performs miracles for them. I have faith in my god, and in turn, my poor demented mind performs miracles for me. Any mishaps is rationalised as a test. Perhaps the example illustrated is rather narrow in scope, but the bottomline is faith is powerful.

Likewise, my faith is strong too. Faith in what? Faith in a god that I created out of nothingness, faith in my beliefs and my thoughts. Faith in my infallible neo-reasoning that incorporates faith and logic, and plain acceptance of the inexplicable. I cannot falter at any point because of my faith. Just like them. In essence, we are no different. We are powered by faith. Faith in god. Different only in the specifics.

Learnt something new today too, haha. I'm too confident to need god, so they say. Didn't realise I radiate confidence. Wahaha. Kay, maybe not. But while I'm pretty insecure and uncertain about lotsa stuff, I'm pretty self-sufficient. I can live without many of my desires, and remain comparatively at ease. Simply put, I learnt the art of foregoing, and hence there isn't much need. But my god is here, in my heart. That's why I'm at peace my dearies.

There is no resolution. I hate loops and I hate irreconcilable extremes. Gives me headaches trying to grasp them. Damn. Oh well, kinda settle that for now. Maybe someone will be able to reason me out of this. I declare that my weak point is my reason, while my faith is unshakable. So take your best shot!

Life. What a joke. Haha. I hope I don't start to sound like David.


:: Sam 9:39 PM [+] ::
...

After one night of delirium, or deliria, is there such a word? Sounds nicer... Haha... Yups, after one night of deliria then, I'm awakened, albeit less rudely, to the sad truth. Nah, I'm still light-years from the word intelligent. Feels good to believe so for one moment though, non? Haha.

Maths is so f**ked! (Yeah, I'm kid-friendly!! =P) My stats s**ked (Gee, that's censored too?) big time despite my practice last night. Mediocre practice, but still? And Tan says I scored a B for paper 1. Freak. I left out only 10+ marks lor, hoping I'd score a low A for 1. Moreover I felt quite prepared and thought I did rather well for that paper. Now I didn't do 25 for 2, how in the world I'm gonna score a B at least? Sigh. My forecast is all A btw. They are too kind...

Physics tom. Lazy to mug already. Just 2 more days to persevere. The future seems a vague distance away. Mayst I stay in this quiet afternoon forever, that tomorrow never comes? Aye, but the day shall pass, and tonight I shall be weary of sleep again. Mind over matter. Alas, my mind is weak. Use the force, young one. I sense the dark side in you. Give in not to fear, for fear becomes anger, anger leads to hate, hate brings you to the dark side.

Post-exam/Mid-exam/Pre-exam stress. Post-math/Mid-prelim/Pre-physics trauma. I am writing funnily now. Writes funnily. Weirdly. Grammatically? Incorrect. Blabber blabber. Yak yak.

Oh ya, finally remembered something. Ignore the senseless chatter above. No, that's not what I remembered. I got new links to read! Yay! But shall not put them up just yet, hehe. Lovely. I always love reading new blogs. No idea why. Guess it's just the way I like looking into people's lives. I'm a nosy one, I am. I get bored quickly though. Oh well. What I love most always, is the new flavour, the new style, the new personality!

Sigh. New people. New acquaintance. *shudders* Think naught and you shalt be troubled naught. Haha. Methinks me going loony. Better ciaos now. Heh.


:: Sam 11:40 PM [+] ::
...

Decided to blog tonight after all. Haha. Lotsa things to say. 1st things 1st, prelims are screwed, but at my last league now, so just hope to pull through and survive.

Next, I realised it's not a story of us, but a story inspired by us, hehe. Sophia is so much more cool and mysterious kind, for awhile at least. It took on a live of it's own la. And Ms Ng did a wonderful edit. The story is perfect. If only it could have started and ended like that.

Speaking of which. It's one thing to call yourself a genius, it's another to be called by someone in print! I feel so amazed, delighted, exhilarated, liberated and celebrated! Wahey! But at the same time, I'm perturbed. When I call myself a genius, nobody believes it, not even me, it's just to joke around and convince myself to push on. Now Ms Ng had to write that in my open reference to Cambridge! Eeek!! I'm so shocked. Actually, she way overdid it.

No illusions of grandeur whatsoever, there's no way in freaking hell am I going to make it to Cambridge/Trinity College/Medicine. If I confine my world to the where I live, perhaps. But when I hear about RJ and VJ people applying by the truckloads, I lose all hope. Moreover, like I said, she really overdid the reference. She quoted so many things about me I'm not sure I can even live up to. Last I checked, I'm failing my subjects. And having difficulties talking to even people who have been very nice to me.

'...daring ...creative ...some may call it genius ... eloquent ...compassionate ...destined for great things ...' I am so damn screwed. Imagine all the expectations of the interviewers. What if they find out I'm a fake? I think I'll be quivering in my pants when I walk into the room man... That's if I even get called up for interview, which this, I have much confidence in.

Bleargh. I have about one month to gain all these attributes. Hope I can come up with the a good act in time. After all, I am a genius. Wahaha... No, really, I am, self-proclaimed. As for her little 'slip', well, that's another story that I'll buy another day.


:: Sam 7:46 AM [+] ::
...

Watched 'A beautiful mind' last night. It was a lovely show. Very beautiful indeed. Wish I had just one of his 'two brains', and I'd be very very happy man now, haha. And his wife's a pretty strong woman too, suffering through all that for him, at least in the movie. Heard she wasn't so sweet and loving in real life. Oh well.

Heard this song just now. Wish I could say that. Haha...

No Matter What (Boyzone)

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear God say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born

No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't shine
Or if the skies are blue
No matter what the end is
My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know, I know
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what


:: Sam 8:39 PM [+] ::
...

Man, I hate haircuts.

Despite spending 10 minutes on the way to the hairdresser's psyching myself up, telling myself to look confident, smile, tell the hairdresser politely but firmly that I want short hair, exactly like the one the other guy over there has, it all crumbled for the moment she looked at me. I managed a whimper of short hair, cut short, repeatedly whining 'short, short, short', but was unable to do more than just open and close my mouth like a goldfish, as she proceeded to do what she will with my hair, like a newborn babe in a psychotic's hands.

15 minutes later, I stare at my new crop in horror, as she beams proudly at me and even offers me a free comb to boot, thanking me for coming! Oh, the humiliation! Somehow it always rings in the back of my mind that I have every right to tell her I'm not satisfied, or interrupt her in the middle of her work, but I can never manage it.

But then again, can't she understand the meaning of short? It goes without saying that a haircut automatically shortens your hair, so when I say cut short, it means SHORT! Argh! Or at least SHORT-er! My fringe is still as long as it was, and everyone tells me I don't look as if I took a haircut. With the $10 spent, I could get a professional job back where I came from, and still afford a box of combs!!

RARGH!!! Look like dork now. Pissed off. Me can't think. Me mad. Me angry at stupid hairdresser. Stupid stupid hairdresser. Me should scold her. Me eat her. Why didn't me? Stupid stupid me.

Next time, I'll bring bullet proof vest and a face mask for added sense of security, hold her at gunpoint while flashing a ruler with the correct measurements, and tell her how short I want my hair to be.

Gah. This is the 15872379104602th time I'm experiencing a bad haircut coz I can't say anything. What a life.


:: Sam 8:13 AM [+] ::
...

Bleargh. Supposed to be studying now, but can't concentrate. Haven't started mugging for any subjects yet except Chem, and even that is like only halfway! I'm soooo DEAD! Then Mrs. Chai just had to say, " I want to see all As when I sign your report card next term, I know you're smart enough to do it." !! How can? Yeah, maybe I'm smart (oops?), but I'm lazy too! Plus Ms. Koh has already given up all hope on me and I think she hates me guts. Sigh. I know it's my lazy fault. But still. Her giving up on me is demoralising.

Finished my story at last. A story of us, haha. Sad la. I think it's written abit too perfect, too unreal liao. But that's the way it had always seemed to me, too good to be true. Perhaps the only flaw I could see was me, and even then I realised too late. So it is, my story, though I'm sure you know it all too well. I just wish I knew your story. Saw your new number today. Changed it after all eh? Sigh. I won't call la, I won't message. Hell, I won't even save it. Don't really trust me huh? I guess the change makes you feel more secure in you avoidance.

Or maybe I'm the one avoiding? Haha. Screw la, what difference does it make? I don't miss you as much anymore, but I still think of you every now and then when I have the time. Which is almost always. Just had this feeling that it was one of those beautiful things that come once in your life, touches you, and disappear forever. Can't help wanting it back again though. Oh well. Let bygones be bygones. Whether we shall start anew, let fate decide.

I still love you, always, my friend.


:: Sam 6:09 AM [+] ::
...