:: Wallpaper ::

:: Saturday, March 22, 2003 ::

Damn. Can't get the new links up. Something wrong with the blogger man.


:: Sam 5:22 AM [+] ::
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Woo. More rainbows. Thanks people. Haha...


:: Sam 5:31 AM [+] ::
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Right now, I'm sitting in front of my laptop, my right eye feeling a bit fuzzy and clear at the same time, owing to my grey lens, and my left eye feeling somewhat normal, clear lens. At the same time, I'm trying to make hopeless conversation with a seemingly icy personality on IRC.

I close its chat window. If it chooses to reply, so be it, another attempt at a monologue. If not, too bad.

That's life. An alternating vision of clear and blur, flurry attempts at being colourful, flailing social interactions. All to what avail?

It replies. A cold remark, snapping at my weak comments. I defend myself half-heartedly, and close its window again.

That's life too. You get snapped at for trying, and sometimes, you gotta be thankful that you even got snapped back at, coz at least that's a reply. There's still a glimmer of hope for salvation. Sometimes you don't even get anything, and that's worse.

Silence.

Another session ends. Meaningless, a total waste of time. I reach out mechanically for the second cereal bar beside me. I'm not hungry. It's even tasteless. Yet I pull the wrapper open and systematically stuff the bar into my mouth. Ooh. 35grams of energy to recharge myself. Hell, do I even need the recharging? I don't even know why I do what I do sometimes.

*Music* ... I love him. I do. And I don't care what you think. I love him...

Suddenly, one of my favourite songs start playing. I don't even know the name of the song, or the singer, only that it's from Jerry Maguire. Sweet. I realise it's from one of the webpages I'm visiting. And sometimes, maybe just sometimes, nice things happen. It's things like this that make you wanna live through all that shit again. You don't have a choice anyway. Might as well savour the good moments eh?

...I'm not letting you get rid of me... ... you complete me... ...you had me at hello...


:: Sam 5:25 AM [+] ::
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I've changed. Anyone noticed? Or at least I'm trying to, mid-way through the procedures. But guess not. Somethings still can never be different, like how unnoticed I am. Haha... But that's not the point. The point is I'm somewhat successful. In case you haven't noticed, I've stopped sulking.

Something slapped me hard across the face few weeks back. A catalyst for change. Finally, a motivation to do what I've always wanted to do a long time ago. Right now, I think I can manage a pretty neutral countenance, if not a happy one, for most part of the time. My goal is to be seen as happy, bouncy person by end of the year, so that I may become the source of joy of other's life. No point sulking anyway. It's not like I'm ever gonna be cool or whatever. Took me so long to learn that sulking will get me nowhere. Sad huh? Heh.

Oh well, at least I feel more live in me now. Live comes from within, not without. I will create my own sunshine, I will create my own heaven, I will create myself. There is no one to be me but me. Thanks for the help too, my darling angel. Thanks. You're truly an angel, to be here after all I've done.

I've changed. And I'll continue to change. Until one day someone notices and walks up to me telling me that: I've change.


:: Sam 11:17 PM [+] ::
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