:: Wallpaper ::

:: Saturday, April 17, 2004 ::

The wheels of the bus go round and round, round and round...

Went for communication studies admissions test and interview at NTU today. The test was a mini essay, which I don't think I fared too well, coz I wrote very GPish. Just couldn't help relapsing into it, instead of my own style. Interview was OK. Not good, not fantastic, but not bad, not horrid either. Just OK. He liked me, I liked him. But I didn't give enough solid stuff to substantiate my reason to be admitted, I guess. Now I can only wait.

Strange how it all keeps coming back. Today I met someone new from an old place. And I hear old stories again. Dunno whether to feel reminiscent, or to feel sian. Sigh. But that's life.

Oh. Go watch HellBoy. If you don't mind loads of rubbery tentacles that like to burst and spill goo all over the place that is. The company I was with was so engrossed they forgot to eat their nachos, popcorn, and drink their coke. So there you go.


:: Sam 7:44 AM [+] ::
...

So many things to say. No one to say to. It tears me apart that you care, yet you do not care, because it is your nature to care, and not because you truly mean it.

I only want to let you know who I am. But even that I guess is difficult. Forget it then. Your life is crowded. There is no room for me.

I know my place.

I could tell you the world if you asked. If you only asked.


:: Sam 10:14 AM [+] ::
...

Man I feel good. Tonight something finally went right. I guess all the little things that went wrong was worth the trade off for this.

It feels so much lighter now that it's been released. Albeit clumsily. Still. It's a wonderful feeling to know that she knows and yet we can still continue on. I don't have to worry about what's gonna happen next, or if she'll ever find out; all I hafta do now is enjoy every moment of my time. And that's what life is all about. Haha.

It's still too early to say anything la. But I'm blessed. And I'm confident that life will go on as before.


:: Sam 9:07 AM [+] ::
...

I just finished watching Monster. The show is simply awesome. And there is no happy ending. It is simply about how life steps down on you, and even when you fight back, you simply get crushed to bits. You just have to cherish the good bits, and live out the bad ones. Sad in the end how she was betrayed, even though she was willing to sacrifice. For love. Even long after her naivete and dreams have passed, she sacrificed herself for love.

Sigh. How long am I going to stay in my make-believe? I'm just thankful that life has been relatively kind to me so far. I've been through shit, but I at least I'm allowed to live on, and bluff myself through with my fairy tales. One day, all that will change, and I'll be disillusioned. Or maybe I'll lead a disillusioned life, fighting for what I want to believe in, but never really believing in it. But I hope that eventually, I'll find my happy ending.

Sometimes, I guess we just have to accept reality. It's harsh, but life's unfair. And that's the bottomline.

They have to tell you something.


:: Sam 9:25 AM [+] ::
...

Blah. Flashbacks.

Amidst all my little frustrations and exasperations, I should have a full blown dream of her, with proper visuals no less, not the blurry dreamy type. Damn, it felt so damn real. But why? There was nothing to trigger the memory.

I was never good at keeping 'family' relations. Somewhere out there, I have a Sotong family, a husband, a little sister, a daughter, possibly a wife and a grandmother, and god knows what. But they all eventually fade away coz I never know what to make of them. Except my dear dear lao gong of course. But it's weird, to dream of my 'daughter' 4 months after I forgot she existed.

Of the 4 of them, while I was closest to Wui, I felt most protective of Angel. No wonder my daughter eh? Haha. In the dream, I asked 'why', the question that has been haunting me for so many days in my life. And the answer was because of my company. In the dream, the impression of my company was Alwin. But in reality, at that point of time, it was only the 4 of them. Or if I dare say, the 5 of us. Come to think of it, I never really asked Angel 'why'. Si and Wui, yes, ask until they sian of me liao. But Angel no. Heh.

So in my confused state, the heavens sent an 'angel' to guide my way eh? Oh the irony, the irony. I'm practically keeling over with it. So in addition to a broken shaver, a faulty hard disk that I now realised is actually a faulty laptop, an unfunctional game, a messed-up social life, several lost jobs, and basically more things to frustrate me that I cannot recall right now, I now have a dream to puzzle out. My life is so interesting.


:: Sam 5:46 PM [+] ::
...

'wo3 ai4 ni3' jiu4 zhe4 yi2 ju4
gai3 bian4 ni3 wo3 de1 shi4 ji4

'Saya cinta kamu' kalau dicakap
Boleh membebaskan hati yang ketat

Aishiteru, Je t'aime,
Saw rong haeyo, Te amo,

And so these expressions I seek
In languages I can and cannot speak
While I find the right words to say
You and I slowly slip away

Someone tells you what I've yet to
Again I'm late but nothing I can do
I struggle to voice what's taboo
But still I can't say 'I love you'


:: Sam 7:22 AM [+] ::
...