:: Wallpaper ::

:: Friday, January 30, 2004 ::

YES!! YES YES YES!!!!! I AM SO DAMN HAPPY NOW!!!!!

Woohoo! I can't stop dancing around in 'my' room now! I got my 2nd student! I do not know why the hell I'm so damn elated, but I am! It feels just too darn good to know I'm now two-fifths nearer to my 5 student no day job target.

Now the only problem is that student wants A/E Maths, and Physics. She essentially nailed my 3 worst subjects. Oops. Let's just pray that JC actually improved my abilities, not worsened it. Did I mention I failed math for the entire Sec 3 and half of Sec 4?

God bless my student.


:: Sam 1:29 AM [+] ::
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24/1/2004

Birds and Bees

When my dad went 'Sex!!' this morning while I was writing down some random thoughts on Sex and the City, it suddenly occured to me that me and my peeps haven't had much talk of the birds and bees. Well, at least he had the decency to say 'Intrusion of Privacy!' after peeping over my shoulder. That's about as close to an apology as it gets from my old man.

Up till now, I haven't the faintest idea what my parents think of me and my level of maturity, ie. sex education. I've seen dozens of pictures of nude men and women and studied the exact biology of each, plus how they conduct sexual intercourse, or coitus if you prefer. Aside, it really breaks my heart to see something possibly magical broken down to scientific terms and a few neural patterns, but what the hell. I wanted to be a doctor, and may still want to be one.

So, amidst my secret attempts to watch Sex and the City undiscovered, I can't help but wonder, would my parents balk at the idea of their 'innocent little boy' watching something as rauchy as that. I still wince at watching kissing and romantic scenes with mom and dad. What about sex scenes? Romantic or otherwise? My mind instantly pictures my mom with her hands at her hips, going, 'Young man, that's rather inappropriate material for your young mind. Please turn that off immediately and hand it over to me. No dinner tonight, you bad boy.'

Alright, my mom doesn't talk like that. But you get the idea. She'd most likely freak. So when does one make a transition from child to adult, and can unashamedly watch sex scenes, not even of the nude variety kind mind you, comfortably with the old darlings? Right now, I have the feeling that it's not anytime soon. Hmm. Maybe when I become a doctor and start telling them details from the morgue. Heh.


:: Sam 10:55 PM [+] ::
...

It's sad enough when you play somebody out. It's even sadder when the the person has to suffer some other consequences for it.

Now the landlady is super pissed with me. It took me 3 years to build up a good relationship between her and me. It took only 5 minutes to ruin it. Wow. Hopefully I will get a chance to meet up with her and patch things. But I know just darn well that the damage is done, and things will never be the same again. Sigh.

At least I am lucky. At least someone else as decided to haul my ass up and lend me a lifeline. I'm truly blessed, I do not deny that. I'm very grateful, and I have to thank the gods above. Life is really interesting at times.


:: Sam 4:17 AM [+] ::
...

Yup yup. I was bored at home, and wrote a few things. Actually, I also wrote another short story, but sadly, it's on love again. Haha. Will post it up once I'm done editing.

Anyways, I'm elated, delighted, jumping for joy! My dad is teaching me how to drive! It is soooo exciting to step on the pedals and grab on the wheel. I feel like a 6 yr old kid given NEW toy trucks to play with! Only I never played with toy trucks. Oh what the hell. Tomorrow is another session of fun fun fun!!


:: Sam 3:51 AM [+] ::
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22/1/2004

Heartbreaker

I'm disappointed. I'm throughly disappointed in him. I get angry all the time, and it means nothing, coz I simmer and boil as often as the kettle whistles. But I seldom get disappointed with a person, and when I do, buddy, trust me, you are really beyond redemption.

I dunno what's the side of this man's story, but playing me out is not one thing I expect nor do I take kindly from one whose word is supposed to be gold. Maybe he did not commit fully, or I missed the little 'should' bes, or misinterpreted something I should not have. But I did get the idea that somebody was coming to join my little party house in Singapore. Now somebody pulls out without even bothering to tell me, and my, would I have been in the dark and happily making arrangements for us had I not been hit by a sudden worry streak that prompted to reconfirm once more with him.

I was angry at first, with all the uncertainties and feet-dragging from his side, but I gave that it was his character, plus I had no choice, I needed him. I was pissed, but I could tolerate. Maybe I was stupid not to see this coming, refusing to believe my inner voice telling me not to rely on him. I gave that he was a man of word, that he was committed to this venture, that one of his status, would, well, act like a man of his status.

Perhaps I misconstrued facts, perhaps I had been too hopeful. But whatever reasons, it does not justify the fact that he had neither bothered to clear things up, nor informed me he changed his mind when he knew what I thought. No explanation, nothing. This is compounded by the way he treated her when he was looking for a place. I'm almost tempted to call him a jerk, but I may be over-reacting. Am I too kind? I am warranted to hurl verbal abuses right?

He took away the two most precious things in my life 2 years ago. He won the post and won her heart. It was a fair fight, and I gave him the fullest support I could in as graceful a manner I could muster. He was a deserving individual, far more capable of gaining support and her love than I ever could. But now I can't help wondering, did I judge wrongly? This man who was so hardworking and of such high status could actually do such a thing. This is betrayal! And betrayal from an honorable man!

Nah, I'm not bitter over my defeats, I'm above that. I just regret that I could not put up a better fight, for as good as a man is, the moment he breaks his word, without a single bit of remorse or apology, he has lost all honor. I'm old schooled. My vocabulary has words like duty, obligation, loyalty, honor, brotherhood. Few people understand the value of such things now. My trip to KL has shown me 2 people who stood up appointments without even calling and saying sorry. I was horrified. Now this. Whatever happened to manners?

I guess I'm too naive. But I'll say this loud and clear, I have no love for people who cannot keep to simple a thing as their word. Tonight, I have lost my respect for yet another person.

But as always, I'll say something nice on his behalf. It is exactly this thing he did that all the more confuses me and makes me disappointed in him. If he was just simply a bastard, it would be much simpler. But he's not. Sigh. He was the one who warned me of the storm brewing behind my back. He was the one who opened up my eyes to things I had been blind to. He was the one who prepared me for the culmination of my back-stabbing. I might never have known otherwise until it was too late. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Brother, if you ever need help, I'm always available. But you have lost my trust. I will never believe your word again.

I realised something tonight. After all that I've been through, I'm still an emotional baby. Sigh. I expect girls to break my heart all the time, but never a guy.


:: Sam 3:49 AM [+] ::
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21/1/2004

Rape

Looking at the recent spate of rape cases in the newspapers, I am astounded, horrified, and disappointed at the world today. Up to page 14 of the papers I can still see news on sexual offences going strong. So is like indulging in your sexual desires the new 'in' thing? And I thought with every conviction a deterrent would be set out. Nope, it's more of a hydra situation. Chop one head off, 3 more will spawn. But oh wait, wait till the convicted one comes out and join the fray as an old hand. It's appalling.

I'm totally aghast not so much at the fact that rape cases are rampant, but the fact that someone with 8 previous convictions can be allowed to work as security and rape someone. I'm aghast at the fact that a father can force himself on his daughter. I'm aghast that a tuition teacher rapes his student. I'm aghast that 3 men would wanna not just rape but sodomise a 9 year old girl. What the hell is going on? The scenario of all the cases just simply illustrate the absolute lack of morals and security in my society today. And my, means Malaysia. I am so unproud.

What are the implications? My country's infamous corrupt security and police system finally have their trail catching up with them? Education is in dire need? Malays need to be castrated, not circumcised? Ok, that was racist, but for crying out loud, all the rapists I've seen so far are bloody Malays, while the victims are assorted Chinese and Malays! It's an issue of race to me here! I smell nepotism in the air when someone gets off with a light sentence, or gets employed without background check. I smell an air of superiority borne out of ignorance and too many special rights when rape comes from a distinct group of people. I'm not accusing, but circumstantial evidence all points in that direction. I'm infuriated.

On a more personal level. I'm thoroughly disturbed. Are men such animals that we need to fuck everynow and then, at the expense of daughters, little girls, and students? Have we gone that low that we need to fuck our fucked up brains out using the old caveman-clubs-the-cavegirl-unconscious-and-brings-her-back-to-cave method? Sigh. Call it paranoia, but I can see women backing away already. Which girl is gonna trust a guy when even friends rape friends nowadays. It even draws a subliminal but horrifying thought that I may jump into the bandwagon and throw my morals out the window. No. That is so not me, but at the same time better prevention than cure.

I used to want a beautiful daughter and I loved the song 'Butterfly Kisses' by who I forgot. It was a song that filled me up with love and sadness at the beauty of it all. I still want a daughter, but I guess things will be different. We might never be that close. At first I wanted to ask my student to come over to my new place so I can save some travel money, since the route for her would be about the same. But now I think it is better to have it in public for safety reasons, where everyone can see us and she can scream for help. Whether or not she trusts me or I trust her or what is not the point. Trust is no longer the issue, but rather the risk factor of a situation is what kills. Though on a sidenote, I have no idea if she would have agreed coming anyway. That just goes to prove the point of what a world we live in.

Gone were the days where realationships were romantic love and sex was called making love. Or did they ever existed? Maybe they were just figments of my imagination generated from Hollywood movies. But surely, in a distant past, I remember a time when a guy and a girl could talk alone, without the threat of rape or molest hanging above their heads. Yeah, that was in my childhood when I still didn't know the meaning of fuck. Growing up in an age of sex and violence does has its up and downs eh?

Sigh. What a world.


:: Sam 3:48 AM [+] ::
...

Life in KL really costs a bomb. Real life that is. I've been bumming around at my friend's place, and a day out costs more than 50 bucks. I'm not much of spender, so it hurts. Cab fare, food luxuries, entertainment, mamak stalls --- ouch. Plus it sucks not having a car.

Anyways, interviewed. Man it was a disaster. Almost. Went into the waiting room with my 2 friends who by the way, were 'dressed to kill', only to see --- voila, Miss Formality all dressed up in a power suit. Me? Just a simple oversized shirt, tucked out, with crumpled pair of street pants. I was so dead. Was chatting up Miss Nice-Black-Overcoat-with-Thick-Results-File when in comes Dr. Vaj Patel, my interviewer, who went, 'These don't look like candidates, are they?' He was pointing at me and my 2 darling friends. Sweet.

Scraped through the interview with some crapola on bioethics, doctor charismatics, and the socio-economic-politico on Laos. What a load of bullshit. Returned to the waiting room to collect my 2 friends only to find the previously empty room filled with concerned parents and their little kids waiting for their turn to chit chat. Mr Handsome over there was in the attire of the day too! Suit and all. Whole room just went silent and stared at me. Sigh. What a day. One of those moments when you realised how ill dressed you are.

Alright, I'm always ill dressed, so what's new? But choose today to matter most when I don't have a wardrobe! I'm just bitching. But can't say I'm not traumatised by the sight of an 18 yr old gal in business wear when I can't even afford a decent longsleeves and definitely do not own a coat. Life is wonderful, ain't it?


:: Sam 10:53 AM [+] ::
...

Half my birthday wish has came true. The other half, I guess I'll hafta work for it. No easy piece of cake eh? But I can wait. All I have is time. Actually, I'm feeling rather contented right now. For once I should take everything nice and slow, just be myself and do things naturally. Let the heavens decide what comes next. After all, Someone Up There already decided to block my first attempt, so I guess it's still too early to try anything funny yet.

2nd tuition session today. I feel so happy! It's not as tough as I thought it is, though my tuitee is a very nice person, haha. All I need to do is act like I know everything, fake her a bit and twist there a bit, and voila, you got a genius teacher!! Haha... Just kidding la Jan, I do know what I'm teaching. I hope. But still, I realised a few holes in my knowledge while teaching, and my explanation is kinda awkward at times. I'll improve. Heh.

Dropped 20 cents on the bus today while I was getting off. An old lady called me back to return it to me. I have a bad habit of choosing weird things as omens. This is it. Maybe someone will pick up something I lost a long time ago and bring it back to me, eh? Haha... I can only hope.


:: Sam 4:07 AM [+] ::
...

I feel extremely helpless right now.

It's like watching your parents argue when you're a kid, and you want it to stop so bad, but you're just a kid and their too busy shouting at each other to hear you.

It's like having a nightmare in which you can do nothing but watch the horror unfold.

Only that in the former mom will come and tell you everything's gonna be alright, even if it isn't. And in the latter, you can actually wake up.

I hate it when my angel gets angry at him. I hate it whenever she gets upset over him. And I hate it that I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I think he's really a moron. Here I am, dying to have her love me a little, there he is, enjoying all he can get and still putting her through shit. Granted it isn't often, but I can't help wondering if he's a little thick.

I was just defending him 20 min ago and I think she kinda simmered down a little, then he goes and say something stupid that pisses her way off. No, it's none of my business, what goes on between them is strictly theirs. But hey, I love her as well, as much as him if not more, and it pains me to see his ignorance and blatant lack of EQ frustrate her. Maybe there's some explanation to all this and I dunno half the story. Maybe tomorrow they'll kiss and make up. Maybe. But I still have a bone to pick.

It's bad enough that she gets pissed. It's worse that because of that, I can't talk to her despite not having done so in ages, coz she's too pissed to talk. It's worst that I can do shit about it.

Sigh, the priviledges of the second-choiced man. If I'm even second-choiced that is. Somethings are never meant to be. But I can't help wishing that those meant to be could do it with less hiccups.

Ah, but I guess it's the quarrels that make a relationship stronger. Love and relationships, they just confound me.


:: Sam 9:44 AM [+] ::
...

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like writing something, but can't coz I'm too lazy to think, as if thinking will ruin the whole dreamy atmostphere. Call it verbal constipation.

But I'll try to anyhow. I'm sitting in this dark room now, with not a soul in the house still awake, except souls I'd rather not consider the possibility of being awake, if you know what I mean. In my other windows, people's photos on friendster is loading. That's all I ever use it for anyway, to see the glam pics.

Actually, I'm now feeling very afraid. Fear grips my heart, wrapping around it slowly like some vine, and squeezing ever so softly, tighter and tighter. My breaths become slow and haggard, the pauses are longer. I can almost feel myself suffocating.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of now. The present. And the future. I'm afraid of not knowing my next step. I'm afraid of this time when a fake confidence and a smiling mask is not enough to carry me through life, and what next depends on my resourcefulness and quick thinking, skills that I have neither used nor relied on in a long time.

Right now, I'm living like a king here, but in a week or two, I may well be homeless and alone. It all depends on what fate has in store for me. I can choose to sit and receive whatever comes, or I can do something to improve the situation. But me being me, I'll do nothing until it's almost always way too late, and if I'm lucky, I'll pull through like a wonderfully executed nose dive. Otherwise, I'll crash and burn.

I just don't wanna go home in humiliation and defeat. I don't. I'm a fighter. A lazy one, but a fighter nontheless. Sometimes I think if I was less laid-back, I'd really make what myy horoscopes say, an ambitious over-achiever with success all written over him. But well, what do you know, it's all in the mind. Fighter in mind but pig in actions equals loser in life, haha.

Oookay... This is a depressing entry. Let me try something cheerful. I watched School of Rock today. Other than the bass girl being pretty cute, the lead guitarist can play a solo faster than me, even though he's about half my age. And I think the drummer can belt out a 16 beat better than the last time I tried. But it's really more a heartwarming story of a loser saves the day kinda thingy than a comedy. A little bit on how school is blah, and rule breaking rocks, and stress is a killer, and not every fat wannabe rocker is all that bad a loser. Ok, I suck with reviews. Basically, it's one of those we all love to see, that there's hope of redemption and salvation in all of us, and we can do something good in the end. Just that this time it's wrapped in music.

What the hell. Just watch it. You'll like it. Look out for the bass girl. Haha.


:: Sam 9:23 AM [+] ::
...

Yay! Things are going pretty smooth for me right now, and I'm quite happy! Luck has helped me all that it can, and now the rest is up to hardwork and skill.

Safely in Singapore. Lodging with XY at Mel's place, and I'm truly greatful for the nice welcome and great hospitality offered here. Made good friends with the maid, so life is sweet here. No work yet though, still a jobless person. Can't get relief teaching job anytime soon, so will have to look to something else. I do have one tuition job, but it barely covers transport!! I just realised I hafta pay adult fare now, so expensive! Sigh.

Hope I get something good and solid real fast, real soon.


:: Sam 3:09 AM [+] ::
...