A great way to start your morning is by practising some boken jutsu. That's something some old sensei would tell you.
Interestingly enough, I found myself wielding my sword not long after I woke up. The situation called for immediate action, and within two strokes, I had impaled my target. My sword had finally proven it's use. As a clothes picker.
Apparently, due to strong winds, and the fact that I didn't clip my clothes, one of my shirts were blown on to the ledge, and I couldn't reach it with my short and pudgy arms. Being the genius I am, my boken came straight to mind, and I retrieved it in short order.
Who says martial arts has no practical, daily use?
W00t!! Joy, happiness, bliss! I had a most enjoyable experience with one of my previous featured toys, the SLR!
OK, don't really know what the settings in the camera were all about, but it sure was fun just anyhow clicking away on the shutter release. Took loads of picturs, and some actually came out looking good! No matter how I look at it, I feel so damn proud of myself. Especially the shot concept that I came up with! Haha.
I wonder if it'll get published. If it does, I'll paste like a hundred of it all over my bedroom wall. Muahaha. If it does not, I'll just get the soft copy and print a hundred of them anyways.
Yay! I've got a new toy!!! Man, seem to be getting a lot of new stuff to play with recently. That's the only thing that's been going good so far.
I got a WOODEN SWORD!! Ok, I was deprived in my childhood, I only had nunchuckas, but no swords. It cost a whopping 20 bucks, but now I feel another level more superior than you puny mortals, because I have a wooden sword, and you don't! Muahahah. Now I can whack you on the head on with my sword, and you can do nothing but say 'ouch' and suffer in silence.
Or you can join Aikido.
"Here I come with charging with my wooden sword! Har! Har! Har!" Last words of the toy samurai before the dog ate him up.
Today during lecture, two stroke of geniuses struck me. The 1st being a new theory of life, the 2nd being an invention!
As I was extremely bored, I was languishing in my thoughts when I realised the 'I love Jac' written on my eraser (by Jac hor, not me) was fading. And this beautiful thought popped into my mind! Jac is slowly being erased from my life! Lending this analogy to a broader perspective, all things in life gradually fade away as time passes by. The only way to preserve it is to not use the eraser at all, which will defeat the purpose of the eraser. Even if you were to write over with new words, it will never be the same again. Hah! Such ingenuity!
Through my discussions the night before, and during the course of the day, another brainwave hit me. I was like, stoning in lecture, then suddenly, EUREKA!!! An invention! So, are you all excited to hear this history-changing, time-stopping, earth-shaking idea? Ready? I thought of...
A LIFE SIZED HUMAN DOLL WITH AN IN-BUILT HEATER!!
Why that? Well, I realised that people sometimes don't like to cover blankets, and everyone's only too happy to be hugged by another person. So I've decided to combine the two together. Such intelligence, such ingenuity, such brilliance, don't you think? I should get a Nobel prize for this!
Anyways, I figure I should expound more on the wonderful uses of my doll. I shall call it the Warmth Provider (TM) Doll!! When you're feeling cold at night, just activate the doll, and you've got something warm to hug. Better yet, you can set it to hug you instead, so you can feel loved and protected! Best thing for those working adults who think they need no partners, but can't help feeling lonely at night!
For those lovebirds separated by distance, the Warmth Provider (TM) Doll can be ordered with an optional speaker and microphone set that will allow you to talk to your partner while you lie on the bed at night. It feel like your partner is virtually by your side all through the night!
So hurry, make your preorders with me now! While stocks last.
Aw... My draft for Chron got rejected... I was hoping I'd get a chance to rewrite, but apparently it's either too bad, or there's not enough time left. I hope at least I can get one picture published. Just for the kicks of seeing my name in print, haha.
Saw something today that inspired me. It's been there all along, but the thought just never struck me. I'm inspired to try to grow up a bit. To be more independant. 6 years and a half out here on my own, and I never really grew much, never really learnt to rely on myself. Now I suddenly feel inspired to try.
I was always so fearful of being alone, still am. But I guess if I just accept it, it's not that bad after all. And if I sit in it for awhile longer and look around, I'm not that alone after all. And I realised what makes all those people I admire is the fact that they are not afraid of being alone. Once they free themselves of that fear, they are able to walk in and out of social circles freely and easily, and are less sensitive to the way people treat them.
So today, I'm gonna grow up. I'm gonna stop whimpering like frightened babe whenever I'm alone. I'm just gonna spend that time doing the things I should be doing.
Oh yeah, what did I see? I saw a confident, independant person. I saw someone who leads a life somewhat like mine, but instead of moping, lives it happily. I saw someone more mature than me.
Auditory : 43%
Visual : 56%
Left : 47%
Right : 52%
Spike, you exhibit an even balance between left- and right- hemisphere dominance and a slight preference for visual over auditory processing. With a score this balanced, it is likely that you would have slightly different results each time you complete this self-assessment quiz.
You are a well-rounded person, distinctly individualistic and artistic, an active and multidimensional learner. At the same time, you are logical and disciplined, can operate well within an organization, and are sensitive towards others without losing objectivity. You are organized and goal-directed. Although a "thinking" individual, you "take in" entire situations readily and can act on intuition.
You sometimes tend to vacillate in your learning styles. Learning might take you longer than someone of equal intellect, but you will tend to be more thorough and retain the material longer than those other individuals. You will alternate between logic and impulse. This vacillation will not normally be intentional or deliberate, so you may experience anxiety in situations where you are not certain which aspect of yourself will be called on.
With a slight preference for visual processing, you tend to be encompassing in your perceptions, process along multidimensional paths and be active in your attacking of situations or learning.
Overall, you should feel content with your life and yourself. You are, perhaps, a little too critical of yourself -- and of others -- while maintaining an "openness" which tempers that tendency. Indecisiveness is a problem and your creativity may not be in keeping with your potential. Being a pragmatist, you downplay this aspect of yourself and focus on the more immediate, obvious and the more functional.
In the desperate attempt to calm my panicking self, I decided to look for my longest blog entry and subject it to APA style referencing to convince myself that 10 pages is chicken feet.
My efforts have only served to inspire more panic.
I realised that my longest entry here is only about 900 words. That's pretty pathetic. But then again, I'm not writing thesis essays, so I guess 900 is like waaaay too much already. Oh well. I average about 600 words, which incidentally is the word limit for opinion articles! Hah! I am so made for it man, hehe.
Anyways. Not too bad la. I crapped 3 pages already. Hopefully the remaining 7 will be less painful. I highly doubt so.
What a way to start my morning. Woke up at 8 this morning to run some admin errand that was a total wild goose's chase. I'm like yawning madly now and I think I'll take a short nap in a moment.
So early into the term, way before I'm into any sub-coms or ad-hocs, I've already had my 1st brush with NTU admin. It's not impressive, I'll tell you that. The only thing is that the people are rather nice, or rather, polite. SAO guy kinda pissed me off with his smirking top-down talk, and his 'this is policy' shit, which is the thing I hate to hear the most.
SRC peeps were more helpful in volunteering alternatives, and cracking a few jokes. Except for that last guy who came in outta nowhere, gave a rude remark, and a nonchalant acknowledgement when I thank them. In fact, I was thanking the other guys, not him. He wasn't one bit helpful. Hmph. That's why I hate people who are in mediocre positions of power. Argh. Maybe I should write an opinion article on that. Haha.
In the end, I couldn't get what I was supposed to do, done. Was supposed to submit some booking form on behalf of a friend. Sigh. Seem to be unable to accomplish the easiest of tasks these days.
Just watched some Olympics boxing. Feel so inspired again...
Actually, I really do miss it a lot. Wasn't a good boxer to start with, but the feeling of being in a ring, of taking on someone one-on-one, and throwing in a good punch, it's unrivaled. Even getting hit got me on high. Hmm, come to think of it, I took quite a lot of heavy ones, but still...
Hey, on the upside, my kicks were good! Haha. But by now, I think I totally cannot make it again. Will go back for training soon, once uni settles down, and I can drag myself out to travel the 1.5 hours...
- Trying to win an argument with an irrational (stupid) person is like trying to teach a cat to snorkel by providing written instructions. No matter how clear your instructions, it wouldn't work. ~ Scott Adams -
Wah. Feeling very jovial today. Maybe it's coz that fever song has been ringing in my head, and it just makes me feel so amused whenever I sing it. Or maybe it's the fact that I took my 1st few shots with an SLR camera on my 1st Chronicle photography assignment!
Oh man, I'm so bloody excited. Being the gadget freak I am, an SLR is such an amazing new mystery!! Don't really know how to use it yet, but holding it makes me feel so much more superior to all you normal camera users out there already. Muahahah. Unfortunately, my bonding time with it was cut short by uncharged batteries. 10 shots into my assignment, and I already had to retire. The pictures turned out pretty dark as well. Too bad.
On a different note altogether, people are getting good at discerning foreigners. Nowadays I get that 'are you local?' thing a lot. Some say it's my accent, the way I speak, which is very strange, coz I'd have thought all those would have disappear by now. But today, history is created. Someone said I was foreign because of my skin colour!!! To quote, 'dark, but not the Singaporean kind of skin colour, Singaporeans not this colour...' I'm so amused!! Haha. I suppose maybe she took too many photos until she can tell people by shades of their skin colour? Highly doubt so though, probably just a lucky guess...
Actually, stepping into the Chronicle room brings back so many memories. Makes me feel so nolstalgic again. Of council, and of council room. I think it's such a wonderful thing to have a room all to yourself. And you can stay back with your pals and work late into the night, in the privacy of your very own room with company you enjoy. That, is bliss. Sigh. I miss those moments, and I am dying to relive them again. Wonder if I'll ever get the chance.
1st presentation in Uni. Prof Kesh was falling asleep on my topic. Sigh. I really need to stop being so sciency, or at least, expressing my sciency interest in my projects, since I can't make it interesting enough for them.
That aside, I waited 2.25 hours for my interview with CAC. Was running for programme main com. Becaused of the long waiting time, I missed my block rep rally. I wasn't due for winning anyway, but still felt kinda disappointed... Somehow can't help feeling that if I had been back in time, it might have made a difference.
Now I have nothing left to get me points. Shall just have to cross my fingers and wait. Hope I get into the programme main com.
Feeling very spoilt now. Not spoilt as in someone spoilt me, but rather, acting very bratty.
Sometimes, I think I just need a good whomping on the ass to wake me up a bit. Instead, I just sit down there and throw mini tantrums like some rich-ass baby. Or maybe some good old fashion lurving will do me good as well, hehe.
It's one of those moments I wish my parents were millionaires and could pamper me with all the material goods in the world. Actually, a personal maid would suffice. Ahh... My poor lazy bones are overworked...
Finally. 90% of my 1st project presentation is complete. 26 slides. That's freaking excessive and over the top. Back in S paper days, about 13 slides make an hour. And now I'm worrying if 26 can reach half an hour. Such paranoia.
1st quiz returned. Argh. Didn't do very well, despite studying for it. Yes. I really did study, in spite of myself. Heh. Looks like I don't have much talent for this field. Oh well.
I'm running for block rep, yay! 20 points, here I come! But just realised that there's quite a tough competition. And I'm quite a liar. I frown at my neighbours, and yet I claim to want to know everyone in my block. I do want to la, but shy can?
You know what? This is getting on my nerves. I should blame it on myself, but I'm getting more and more convinced it's bad luck that's been hitting me.
Went for inter-block snooker today. And I lost all the games I played. Every single one of them. Even the ones I played with Vignesh in Clarke Quay today, which has nothing to do with IBG. Argh. Fine, granted that I'm a shitty snooker player, and hence got my ass whumped. But I am not, AM NOT a shitty billiards player.
Other than that one IBG game, the rest were billiard games. Everytime I was leading, something dumb will happen. Like that guy getting in 4 balls in a row through plain fluke. Or me pocketing the black ball. Or whatever else. I'm not an expert, but my opponents were very obviously lower in skill than me!!
Sigh. Maybe it's just fated eh. I got no face left. Everyone in that room saw how I lost all my games. The grins and snickers are already etched into my memory. Oh, the shame, the shame! I shall not step foot into Nanyang house again. Ever.
I just love my life.
Edit: Just now one of those guys walked pass me, and he had a perpetual grin plastered to his face, one of those humoured look. I SO need to dig a hole to hide in.
Since it's the 1st show in some time, I shall be less critical.
Ok, the initial intention was to watch a brainless show with lotsa blood, gore, and screaming. I was disappointed to say the least. I mean, where's the blood gushing out of headless human bodies, or speared corpses raised to the sky in celebration of the kill?
Alright, since the predators didn't deliver much gore, how about the aliens? Man, there wasn't a single scene of a proper alien attack. As in, pierced by the tail, or punched through the head by that mouth thingy. Not a single proper scene. All they have is those corner views, where you see blood spraying out from nowhere.
And then, finally, the 3 predators against the alien hoard. I had so much respect for those 2m towering giants, with their advance technology and excellent physique. A normal predator is supposed to be able to fend off the standard alien with its spear, if not claws. The 1st predator died in seconds, to a single alien. Which btw, proceeded to slaughter the 2nd predator, after some lousy fight scene. What happened to all that cool warrior instinct and superhuman strength + reflexes? Blah.
3rd one survived longer. But didn't really do much killing either. The excitement was supposed to be the face off between aliens and predators, but the action was far and few between. At least not enough for me. I like to see predators killing aliens by the hoards, until the get taken down by the excessive numbers, and not a single alien killing a single predator.
I was going for Aikido, and sitting there, I saw Jeremy, who said something about me. Man, it's been what, 7 years since I saw him? Couldn't hear what it was, but he smiled at me, and I smiled at him. Then suddenly, we found ourselves in outer space, everyone in Aikido that is. There was an emergency, and we had to eject through escape pods.
Reentry was hellish. The pods were already damaged during ejection, but fortunately we didn't burn up. Parachutes didn't exactly open either. Still, we landed. Unfortunately, everyone died of toxic chemicals, except me. Haha. So crappy.
Then I dreamt of mom smoking. Now that's rare. I was so agitated. It was like talking to a wall, coz she just kept puffing away. Then there was this guy who was also puffing away while singing a song that I really liked, but can't recall which song it is.
Sigh. It's the 1st dream I can recall so vividly in ages. Haven't had a good rest in ages eh.
It's a beautiful morning, isn't it? Everything's quiet, save for the gentle pitter patter of rain right outside the window. Weather's cool, and there's no one in the room but me. Feels like I'm the only one in the world. And it's a good feeling, this one.
It's days like this, I suddenly feel the world is so beautiful, so gorgeous, so worth living for. I dunno why, but I've always loved rainy days. It kicks up this warm, fuzzy feeling inside, as if everything terrible would be washed away, and when the rain stopped, life would feel fresh and clean again.
I remember how I'd used to sit by the window, and stare into the rain, simply enjoying the serene moment, the poignant beauty of it all. I'd sing to the sky, and it'd provide the gentle background beat from the falling droplets of water. Sometimes I'd tried to write, and they'd keep me company. Once in awhile, I'd just go sit in the rain and soak myself to the bone. There's just something magical about rain, isn't it?
The thing I love most, is the chills. Weird, but I enjoy the coolness and the coldness. I enjoy the shivering in the rain, that feeling that despite being chilled to the bone, I was still warm inside, that I was still alive. As long as I was alive, I could weather through any storm, and find whatever it was I was looking for. And I could sit for hours, rain against my body, with water, water, and more water, and it was heavenly bliss. The contrast of cold and warmth made for such a bittersweet feeling.
In the little corner of my heart, that's when I start to make wishes and hopes, that somewhere in my life, there is more warmth to be found. That's when I believe rainbows will appear after the rain, and someone can come and towel me dry. And maybe one day, someone would come and sit in the rain with me, and we can both shiver while we laugh, warmed by what's in our hearts.
Till then, every rainy day is a promise, that one day, I will wake up to brand new day, a fresh new start. Since this heart of mine will not cry, then let the skies be my tears.
Hmm. Blogger does not support chinese or japanese characters. Sux0r. Need to practice for upcoming JLPT 3.
Anyways. Past 2 days have been rather down. Living in constant guilt and apprehension. But I guess it's still pretty calm so far. Scary. Shall just lay low for now I guess, no need to further fan the flames.
Hope there will be a resolution to this... Or perhaps this is how it ends...
Something done with good intentions, in bad taste, on the sudden spur of the moment has turned extremely sour. Guess I'm pretty much more insensitive than I thought. Or rather, sensitive in all the wrong places.
But what's done is done, sorry is no cure, so I'll just bear the consequences. I apologise, and I fervently hope I can do something to make it up to you. If there's any way, let me know. I was hoping it'd lighten up those who read it a bit, provide some excitement and a few good laughs, but seems like I've only managed to piss people off with my twisted sense of humour. If you do not wish to forgive me, I guess I understand, and I'll just fuck off.
One thing's for sure though, you'll look at me from a different light from now on. And all I can say is sorry.
I do. I believe that they happen to anybody but me. So here I am, constantly, everyday, hoping that it will be my turn for a miracle, but never really believing it will happen to me.
What miracle do I want? Oh, I don't know. Any miracle will do. Any miracle will bring tumultous joy will it not? That's what miracles are supposed to do. But right now, it wouldn't hurt to have a complete makeover miracle.
Top 5 Reasons why I want a complete makeover:
5. So I don't have to spend time in front of the mirror. I could walk to school in pyjamas and everyone would still call me a sex god. Hell, I'd walk in naked, and we'd have mass orgies! Hmm, I'd be so hot that the professors will turn gay, and I'll get my As.
4. Then I wouldn't need to bathe. Or brush teeth. Or whatever other troublesome form of personal hygiene. My worshippers will be too busy kissing and licking me for me to get very much dirty. Something like how animals clean each other eh?
3. Everything will be free! FREE FREE FREE!!! No more paying for stuffs. People will just pamper me and shower gifts, just so they can come within 3 feet of me and bask in my godly presence. And then they'll whip out their wallets, kneel on the floor, and wail at me to take their cash!
2. While we're at it. That pretty much means I got a whole buncha slaves and I don't hafta do much of anything does it... Ah. Eternal relaxation. It'd mean I'll get fat too, but what the hell, it's a miracle, and you don't get fat in miracles, not if you're a sex god. Oh yeah, and not in movies either.
1. We can finally make love, not war! With me no less! Muahahaha... Just sex, sex, and more sex... Oops. I mean love. Love and more love!
See? It's all for greater good! God please send me a miracle soon... I've been waiting 18 years already. Make me a sex god, and you'll have loads of fun too, hehe.
I wonder why it's taking so long for this miracle to happen man. Not like it's too much to ask or something.
Sometimes you get one chance and you blow it. Sometimes you get many chances and you still blow it.
Tonight I was bad company. I realised my adaptive self cannot really manifest after I've been doing some thinking. Must be brainless only can one. Or else will end up brooding alot.
Paparazzi was good and bad at the same time. Out of the 7 plays, only 3 left a lasting impression. But still, I found myself wondering if I could ever act that well, and should I even bother trying to audition. I guess there's no harm trying.
Did a bit of singing yesterday, or rather, early this morning, but my voice came out rather bad. Been thinking about joining singing competitions recently, still rather inspired by the jazz thingy, haha...
Was watching Singapore Idol just now, and saw this gal who reminded me so much of Keas. Same look, same speaking style, with bracers/retainers to boot. See? I think of you so much kay. You should be honored!
Anyways. Today's one was a bit moving at one part, where this deaf lady and this speech impaired guy came up to sing as well. I thought it was pretty amazing. And inspiring.
I'm now rooting for Tiffany, 16, the Keas lookalike! Hehe...
Was watching Singapore Idol just now, and I gotta admit, those guys are doing a good job at looking stupid. I lose even in that department?! That's ridiculous! Haha... Oh well, what to do.
This isn't exactly the best time to be moping, but it's a lazy Sunday afternoon, and I just failed to get into archery.
Considering it from a very calm and objective point of view, where then, does my talent lie? I'm not intelligent enough in terms of academia. I can't even make it into a simple thing as archery, despite practicing for it. Other aspects of life are even worse and I don't feel like mentioning it.
Where will I excel? Must I simply accept that I'm a total and complete failure? I resent that. But yet, that is exactly what is slamming me in the face right now. I always thought I knew where I stood. Not exceptionally good, but never bad either. And right now, life is telling me that I thought too highly of myself.
Sigh. If I buy it, then what. Mediocrity for the rest of my life. Is there no place I can succeed? Then there isn't much point in this life anymore. Floating along aimlessly in the river of life, a stepping stone for any other who wish to cross the river.
Sometimes, I should just not go for things I cannot handle. But of course, the temptation is always there, and somehow I delight in tormenting myself by trying out to see what happens anyway. This morning was disaster.
Afternoon was pretty ok, but evening kinda turned sour again. I didn't expect to be PMS-ing, considering that afternoon was a pretty chatty event, meeting up with Lian Chiu and all. Not that I mind being a prop and all, but I feel pretty guilty that I might spoil the evening.
It's a dilemma isn't it? Stoning there, I hope nobody notices, so that don't ruin it, and they can enjoy themselves. On the other hand, I fervently wished that someone would care, and that'd mean a lot. But if they did care, then what? It's not like I'd say anything, or that I could even try explaining. Just a mood swing. I'm such a hypocrite. Blah.
Slowly slipping back into loner and anti-social mode. Guess it kinda started with the fact that I was still sleepy when I stepped off the train to meet them. Tried to get in a word or two, but as usual, my soft mumbling failed to be heard. Must have been extra touchy today, coz that kinda turned off my mood for talking anymore. I'm a big baby. Haha.
What's next man, what's next? I can't keep this cheerful part of me up any longer. The grouchy side wants to kick in. Sigh.
Listening to her conversation, I can't help but smile to myself. This is one of the moments I feel in the mood for love again. Sigh. I'm falling in love with love all over again. When will this poor heart finally be jaded?
Damn. My dreams of psychiatry has been dashed into millions and billions of nanoscopic pieces. I'm officially no longer a science student.
Sigh.
Maybe I'm still suffering from shock, but I'm not feeling anything just yet. The rejection came in about 5 minutes ago. I mean. I've been dreaming about it all my life. And now it just plain sucks to be told right in your face that you're not good enough. Several times at that too.
I'm really that puny eh. And I thought if nothing, the only asset I had was my brains. But guess I'm really not that fantastic or smart enough. Now, I have nothing.
What will I be next? What's my path? Will I even get that coveted 1st class? Am I up to it? At the rate I'm going, I can only see a downward spiral. When you see me begging on the streets next time, please do be generous yar.
Wow. Looks like someone wrote a song just for me!!
I'm Just A Kid
by Simple Plan
I woke up it was 7
I waited 'till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I’ve got a lot of friends
But I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone
When you're spending everyday on you own
And here it goes
I'm just a kid
And life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid
I know that its not fair
Nobody cares
Cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight
And maybe when the night is dead
I’ll crawl into my bed
I’m staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time
I had good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own
And here it goes
What the hell is wrong with me?
Don’t fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever
Tonight I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I’m just a kid tonight
One of those days. You see someone down in the dumps, and there's absolutely nothing you can do. My words forever seem to fail me. I feel so helpless now, as all I can do is watch.
And it's always like this. My words always inadequate. No words to make a conversation with friends, no words to comfort an upset person. I wonder. What use am I to others in this world then. Like a parasite.
Haha. But then again. I guess. I could change myself in other ways. Where words did not matter. I could always go do community service or something. Then again, I always believed that charity starts from home. Sigh. I'm so full of excuses.
If only I knew what to do or say. I'm envious of you guys who can do it.
You are an Architect, possible professions include - strategic planning, writer, staff development, lawyer, architect, software designer, financial analyst, college professor, photographer, logician, artist, systems analyst, neurologist, physicist, psychologist, research/development specialist, computer programmer, data base manager, chemist, biologist, investigator.
Accompanied a friend to NUS's jazz welcome tea. At first I thought it was modern jazz, a hip hop club like that in NTU, but turns out that it was jazz, as in jazz band.
Was rather apprehensive at first, but soon got blown away. Simply loved the environment of music and everything. I was so envious of them, coz I could play nothing myself. And then they opened up the vocal section. I was over the moon. Sigh.
Now I'm thinking of going for NUS's auditions pretending to be an NUS freshman, haha. I wanna sing!!!! Wonder if they'll allow me to join them if they find me good? Am I good in the 1st place? Hahaha... Sigh.
What song shall I sing, what song shall I sing?? Any suggestions?
Anyways, had a good outing today. Spent some quiet time talking with a new friend! And it was so fun and interesting, coz it's not everybody you can sit down and have quiet conversations with. I've come to realised I simply love love love conversations. Sigh...
The 2nd outing, was less fruitful. Joined my hall people for some ice skating and supper, but hardly got to know anybody. Mostly it was my fault for being extremely anti-social, but they weren't all that friendly either, and they already had their own cliques. Ended up dogging Shu, and I feel real bad about it. I get the feeling I'm going to be very lonely in this hall.
After much thought, there's really nothing to hold me back come 2 weeks time, if I get it. And if I don't, it's just another 4 years of nothingness. Nothing new, I can handle.
I saw them walking ahead, slowly disappearing from sight, as I stood there wondering. For a while there, I felt the familiar pang of loneliness, and the lyrics 'I'm so lonesome I could cry...' wafted into my head, to which I unconsciously hummed to.
A glimpse to come, of what may be. So easily forgotten.
Still, it's my fault. It's all way too early to hope for anything, but I guess I was hoping a little too much already. I wasn't willing to make my sacrifice, so I paid the price. But I guess no big deal, six years already, I can do easily with a few more. I just have to stop thinking so much, and maybe everything will be better, easier.
CCA fair today. It was OK, nothing much, but lotsa people. Saw so many clubs I wanted to join, so I grabbed their pamphlets. But didn't really sign up with any. Aikido looked a bit disappointing, nontheless, still worth a try.
Just loitered at Licia's stall today. Man, I love manning stalls! Get to see so many different and weird people, and you just sit down there and try to sell them something. However, I didn't feel appropriate promoting things I didn't even have any idea what they were, so I just sat there and people-watch. Quite interesting to see all the freshies, haha. Look out for old buddies.
Sigh. Life. It's getting more happening. Never did have a life then, and should be a mugger now. I'm already at the last chapter of my education, and I should stop being mediocre. Sorry life, you just have to go knock on another door. I'll try to become a full-time mugger, and you can visit me after I fail.
Written few days back... Sucky piece la, but I'm too tired and lazy to edit it now, which means it's like that forever. Sorry pal, you got a lousy creator, haha.
Season of Magic
This is the season of magic
Where silly love songs fill the air
A whisper and a heart is touched
A quiver and lips are parted
Sparks spill over from wayward flames
And fresh fires break out randomly
During the season of magic
Where fools and lovers come out to play
Games of masquerades and charades
Games of hard-to-get and touch-me-nots
Roles of lovers and fools interchange
But the loser always remains the same
Curse this season of magic
Where hearts are lost down one way streets
Lock my heart in cold hard chains
Lock my feelings in sunless prisons
Discard the key lest I break free
To reclaim the season's title
Just came back from Malaysia. Actually, that was like 7 hours ago. Just came back from a birthday party.
Well. The medical interview in Malaysia went OK. Not fantastic, not superb, but not lousy, nor catastrophic. Just normal. It was pretty smooth I guess, but I couldn't recall any impressive instance. When you're choosing 4 out of 100 plus, I guess that means I didn't fare very well...
Anyways, just came back from Wendy's son's birthday party! Brandon! Gee. I didn't catch the age. Oh well. And now I've graduated to calling her Wendy! No more Ms, no need like a kid like that, I'm finally an adult. Even got to sit at the adult's table. I feel so proud of myself, hehe.
That's the one thing I love about going for dinners with the rich and affluent. This is the 3rd family I've joined, and I never cease to love rubbing shoulders with them. While I always feel a bit awkward around them, since I normally only know one of the family members in the whole large gang of them, it's always an enjoying experience to watch them go about.
The thing I love most is the ease with which they do things. The casual conversations, the jokes, the calmness, all traits of people enjoying their lives and loving every moment of it. They appreciate what they have. I also love the cultured manner in which they speak, engaging any stranger in conversation, me included. There's no arrogance, no signs of haughtiness, just a relaxed atmosphere, warm and friendly. That's what I call family.
I dunno. It just always grips my heart. The serene atmosphere, peppered with occasional laughter. The men in their quiet voices, the women in their loud gossips, and the children with their shrill screams. So picture perfect. Somehow, it's something I've missed, and I can never have.
Yeah, I guess I just can't escape from that... But I didn't think that it would be a reason for to be ignored. Interesting. Fascinating almost, even.
That's reality isn't it. I can say I don't care, but I care. I can say I care, but I'm not gonna do anything about it. Sigh. I'm too tired to be bothered anyways. I guess I'm used to dealing with it.
Nowadays, I find myself getting attracted to shops quite often. There's a certain delight in seeing the price of an item slashed when you apply the discount to it. I think I'm catching the shopping bug.
Went shopping today, to buy a bag at first. But darling Jan gave hers to me, so saved me to money!! Yay!! Haha. Bought a pair of shorts instead. Oh well. Feel so happy today!!!
How do you let go of something you can't get enough of?
The magic's dispelled now, and reality kinda kicks in. I guess somethings are never that easy and may never change. Well. I can still be idealistic and hope for the best. But when that time comes, I guess it won't be too hard to let go.
Met Ling Ling in NTU today. Poor girl got lost, and I offered to help. It's kinda weird, we've seen each other for 2 years in JC, but only talked like now. But we managed to hit it off quite well. I guess there's a kind of familiarity from seeing each other even if you never talk.
Anyways, apparently she's a map idiot, so I had to read her map for her and bring her to NIE. Not that I had much to do anyways. Heh. It was fun to make a new friend, yeah!
Oh yeah, I must also add 2 points from the ARIES MAN, partly coz I only read that one and was too lazy to read the rest.
1. Compliments from his boss or superior are never enough for him, he wants his deserved reward. His deep insecurity makes him reach and collecting valuable things, and this you may think he is stingy. Actually he could easily spending money to buy things, traveling or pay for things that makes him happy and he think necessary for his need. He care what other people think of him and want to get good comments or compliments. if you get past the bad english, you'll see. I'm not stingy k!
2. He always keeps his promise. If he said he will meet you in your place in 2 hours then he will be there, unless there is a serious accident or unavoidable things happen. He hates people who are late for date or any appointment. yes man, don't mess with my timing, or I'll hate you forever...
Due to immense boredom, I decided to post up some zodiac stuff my friend sent me. I don't believe in this kinda things, coz if you read all the 12 zodiacs, you'll find every sign has the some parts of you and some parts not of you anyway. Not to mention the atrocious english in this particular article. But oh well, what the hell.
CAPRICORN MAN
A man in this Zodiac will has a pair of round big beautiful eyes true true!! so true!!, a nice structure jaw line. He is a good listener and can understand everything easily and clearly. yes, here too! I hear you!! He can guess what you will say before you even say it. He often shakes his head or touches his hair. He is a big built, but he will tend to have a small ear. not true, sadly. I could do with bigger built. and my ears are big He tends to have a darker shade of hair and eyes' color. He will likely have a short and strong neck, broad shoulder, muscular, strong hands and grips. wah, I want can? He has a shorter fingers compare to the man of the same size and same height in the other zodiac. His hands can work well at the same time can protect and care for his woman. girls, hear that or not? faster come to papa!!
His height will be proportional to his weight. He will walk firmly and always take a big long step. As he walks he will look around in caution with no disturbance from his problems at present or in the past. He likes to watch things built with fascinate and wonder about how it is done, so you could see him watching a construction site and not get bored.
He is a good dancer. eh, yanru, this one you must believe la. no need audition to join modern jazz already, ok? hehe. He is a careful person in instinct, so even at dance floor, he will already have to know what in front or behind him before he will take any steps.
Blue is his favorite color. You will mostly see him wear green, navy blue, or brown. In all 12 Zodiacs, he is the one who can get the most satisfaction from possession of beautiful thing, and cherish it as if it is very valuable to him even it is just a crystal ball made in France. beautiful thing... ah yes... i love all things beautiful!!
It is his luck that he hardly has to chase after woman. They always come themselves without his invitation. it is so not my luck lor! I wish man!! I do not get women coming! walking past yes. that's not counted right? He likes to treat his guest in his house than visiting his guest at their house. He does not like to be a center of attention, so if you need his help, you have to look up for him. He lives his life in stability and simplicity. Every decision made is already "Sure" and carefully thought out. He will not do what he has been asked to do if he is not interested in doing it. He acts casually but in reality, he always doing things seriously.
He loves peaceful and quiet environment so in his free time, he will stay at home instead of going out and look for adventure. He loves nature and dreams of a nice and quiet house with lots of trees, or he may dream of a house in a beautiful countryside.
He will let you have freedoms and watching you in a distance. If you are over doing something, he will let you know by his icy cold look. He is the perfect lover in all the Zodiacs for nothing he will not do for his love one. He won't allow people to laugh at him or think he is a joker, so he will spent for himself luxury for what it is worth.
He likes neat and well dressed woman, so do not be a slop if you are dating this guy. If you do that he will loose his face. He is the romantic type who would dance with you under the moon light. Love will make him shines and you will see it in his face. He will not say it out loud, you have to know it yourself.
Once again, I'm plagued with the problem of human tectonics. Haven't been out with a group in ages, and the same thing still happens. Like some plate boundary or fault line, I'm the mountain formation or the subterranean valley. Basically, I get squeezed out a lot. That means I fall behind a lot coz I just get too bloody lazy to move back up and get squeezed out again.
It's a very interesting phenomena. You can't refuse to budge, the last time I tried, people just squash you anyway. Not everybody gets squeezed out, and I highly doubt if anyone notes who's the one being squeezed out. I wouldn't know if I haven't done the same to other people as well. Weird.
Anyways. I realised I'm forever doomed to mediocrity. I always hafta make a lot of noise to be noticed. And oftentime, even while I'm making noise I'm left unnoticed. After awhile, it gets tiring and I just shut up. I'm pretty much forgotten after that. Maybe it's my body language or what, but I seem to carry a 'don't-pay-any-attention-to-me' aura about me.
Guess there are somethings you just can't shake. Like my wallpaper presence way back from the old days.
Actually, I'm way too tired to be doing this. Came back from watching Spiderman 2 with sensei just now. But I guess I have to put this, haha.
Was taking the bus to Toa Payoh to go Orchard. Ah, brings back memories. This was the last time I met Wui. Actually, it was the 1st time we went out together, and also our last. We watched a movie. I think it was Matrix 3. Not too sure. Then we ate at MOS Burger. Then we walked around, into this 2nd hand shop as well, I remember. We choosed Toa Payoh, partly coz of timing, and partly coz we didn't want too many people around.
Haha. Guess what. While I was walking to out of the Orchard MRT to Heeren, through the Ngee Ann underpass, who should I spot but Wui?? Haha. So so bloody coincidental. I didn't even recognise her from the back at first. Just thought I saw AJ uniform, so go check out. Was thinking since I didn't recognise their backs, probably J1s too. Was so bloody shocked that it was Wui. With Sue I think, I didn't look. I just walked straight ahead. Don't think they recognised me from the back either.
Sigh. I'm so chicken sometimes. But I guess that makes our relationship beyond repairable. How did it all end up like this? Still a question I ask myself from time to time. Headache man.
On a different note, went to Yanru's shop 3 times to find her today, but failed to see her. On the 1st visit though, something weird happened. While I was looking at the bags, this big burly guy tapped my shoulder. I was pretty surprised at first, and I thought it was Yanru's colleague telling me that she wasn't around. I couldn't think of any other rationale for a stranger to talk to me.
And then he told me his friend wanted to know me.
Still pretty shell shocked by the sudden shoulder tapping, this girl popped up and said that I looked rather familiar. She asked if I was Malay or Chinese, and where could we possibly have met before, to which I abruptly said no. I was too dazed to do much. It slowly dawned on me that I was being approached, in a way.
She asked for my number, and said she'd call me out when she go and chiong, a word I learnt like only recently. Sad life man. Anyways. I have no idea why I would possibly get approached, unless of course, she really thought I was familiar. Perhaps she soon realised she was knocking on the wrong door, coz soon after, she was 'reminding' her friend that he had somewhere to go, to which he blurly replied yes, and they booted.
Haha. I spent the next 5 minutes in the toilet scrutinising at myself, trying to find any clue to which have warranted this horrible joke. Failing to notice anything out of the ordinary, except that I looked perfectly ordinary, I left feeling extremely shortchanged.
Dropped a student, and dropped a facade. Not that it was holding up much anyway. Sometimes, I just can't separate my emotions from my work. I should have done this earlier, but at least I did it now.
Listening to her telling me about the kind of guy she likes, I can't help but wonder, does that make me shallow, or simple? I don't have any requirements, as long as I like, can already. Maybe I'm too desperate for some abstract concept that I'll take anything. Or maybe I just never stopped to think about it long enough. I guess, that for me to like someone, that someone must fit some criteria that I'm not consciously aware of, but set for myself. Maybe, just maybe.
But anyways. I'm too lazy to love her anymore. Maybe it's that I don't really like her, or maybe I'm too tired to love her beyond my heart. Not that I did much then, but I'm too tired to even do anything now. And I've always been a lazy bump, I guess. I just want an emotional vacation.
And I wonder, if I'll ever make a gal's heart jump when she sees me, or to light her heart a blazing fire. I doubt I ever will. I doubt many guys ever do. I'm nowhere. Neither here to make you crazy over me, nor there to make you detest me. Just stuck in the middle, middle of nowhere.
Haha. Time to move on a lil bit, and let the amber light shift slightly towards green.
After looking at Kok's blog, I was inspired to revamp my site. Sadly, it lasted less than 5 minutes, after looking at the available templates, and feeling too lazy to do any editing. Man, this site has stayed the same since it's birth. Incidentally, the song playing now is 'Stay the same' by Joey Mcintyre, haha.
I feel like doing something today. I dunno what, but something. Something great, something wonderful. But no one to do it to. Sigh. It's days like these you feel like going out there suddenly to touch people's lives, where you just wanna accomplish something? Haha... Man.
Anyways. Read someone who said something about people. That's rather vague isn't it. Haha. But was just thinking, there are somethings that are you because of you, and there are somethings that become you because of what's around you. Nature vs Nurture, the eternal scientific argument. But actually, I was thinking more on mindsets. I refuse to use level, coz it's somewhat derogatory, and implies a difference in status. Yeah. So mindsets...
Right now, to me, there's only 2 types, Traditional vs Western. The chinese-speaking vs the english-speaking. I always thought I belonged to the latter group. That's why I hated AJ so much, coz I was with the 'wrong' crowd. But now, I realised it's more than just that. It's me. Whether you can mix with anyone is not so much the environment you were brought up in, but who you are, essentially, fundamentally.
I finally accepted that. Oh well. Nah. I dunno why I wrote about all that stuff, but just thought I'd like to disagree with someone...
You know, I was just lying on my bed, when I started singing silly songs and feeling very happy. The kind that makes you feel high and do crazy stuff, that makes you wanna jump up and down and scream to the world. Yeah man. And I realised I was thinking about Sat's outing before I lapsed into crazy/high mode.
Man, this is gonna sound so sad, but I'VE GOT FRIENDS!! And the best part, they're NEW!!!! Yeah man, after 6 years in boarding, suddenly living out seems so lonely. No more rooms to visit, no more movies to pop in on, no more late night card games, no more Gunbound... Sigh. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss boarding. Just a teensy weensy bit though. *Pause* Fine. Maybe a little more.
6 months on my own really seems like ages man. It's just not the same going out with a few people every now and then, as compared to the large company constantly around back in the old days. Suddenly I'm so looking forward to hall life and uni life. More and more and more peoples! Yum!!
And like I said, the best part, they're NEW!! They know nuts about me, I know nuts about them, it's like having a new toy to explore with!! And I ALWAYS love NEW TOYS! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!
Hmm. K, I should digress. Yup. *love* I.am.so.looking.forward.man. *love* HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!
It started out as a beautiful day, which quickly became an okay day, followed by a sad day, an unbearable day, and a heart rending day. In the end, it finished as a wonderful day. Such is the change wrought by expectations and emotions.
No doubt it was a lovely moment to cherish for me, though nowhere as magical as I'd hope it would be, but almost as if it were normal, just another day in our passing. Only that it might never happen again. And I realise why is it I love taking pictures with you. It is the only time I can actually hold you close. Other times, you'd be so distant, so faraway.
So be it. May this moment forever be etched in our minds.
Feeling downright depressed now. Been moping for the last few a hours and feeling shitty. While reading a book as well. Spilled my bottle of iodine and now there's hardly any left, making me even more miserable. And to top things off, the iodine stained my pants! Sobz.
Anyways. Removed the stitch today, and the gash opened up. Black blood oozed out. Like, just burped out. So now I hafta put loads of iodine everyday and seal it with cute plasters. But I don't have much iodine left after spilling. Sigh.
Having bad premonitions about Saturday. Can't stop thinking about bad things whenever it's one of those big days that are coming. Keep picturing doomsday. Hope I'm wrong, and everything can go smoothly and nicely. Please?
You're the super-slacker!! Homework? What's that? Studying? Not in your vocabulary. You hardly study and almost never do your work and yet, by some divine intervention, you're still surviving. And you come to school so un-often, your teachers have pratically forgotten that you even exist. Go, you slacker, you!!
Our past, present, and future are mixed together in a swirling cauldron, from which the contents are constantly spun about and stirred in circles that cause the ingredients to clash together repeatedly from time to time. Other than the occasional spill, nothing is really lost. Other than the random new spices, nothing is hardly fresh.
Ran into Angel and Sue today. We were unable to have a proper conversation, so I left. Oh well.
I'm now a proud owner of 7 stitches on my left shin!!
Ok, I wish I could say I got it kicking some punk's ass during muay, but unfortunately, it was waaaay much more stupid than that, and it will keep me from muay for a month or so. Sob.
I cut my leg on a road divider as I was trying to cross. Slip and feel and scratch my poor shin, tearing a gash about 7 cm long. It's amazing, I tell you. The blood... So much! Just kept dripping down! I'm impressed how much blood can come from a small hole, which was located somewhere near the bottom of the gash.
The more impressive thing is, my stupid pants is tougher than my shin. It's the 2nd time I injured my left shin, and both times, the pants remains intact without a scratch. Come to think of it, both times were along the same road divider. Bad luck.
Anyways, blood couldn't stop, only slowed down, so went to clinic. Had to stitch. Missed my bus back to Malaysia. I watched the doctor stitch. So amazing. This is the first time I see local anaesthetic at work. He didn't let me watch the starting, probably coz he was afraid I'd faint or puke or something. But I won't! There's no blood! How to puke or faint? Plus I can't feel any pain... He let me watch halfway in the end. It was interesting. And simple. Haha.
Right now, actually, I'm still bleeding. I can feel the trickles through my bandage. Sigh. I hate my bad luck.
Apparently, while I remember my past, my past does not remember me. The said figure who came knocking on my doorstep yesterday, cannot even remember my name! I'm peeved. Oh well.
However, the above sentiments soon underwent an about-face. Subsequently in the morning, I met someone on the train whose name I could not put a finger to, and hence continued to ignore his presence. The irony. How your past hovers about, reluctant to disappear, reluctant to say 'hi' either.
You know there's something seriously weird going on when you see 4 more familiar faces in the same day. This country is small, but I seldom see even one face when I go out, what more 5 in a day on separate occasions. That's 7 in just 3 days. There's no meaning to it probably, but I just love statistics.
Anyways, I bumped into an old crush. Sometimes, I think god is just too kind to me, showering me with loads of opportunities, only that I can't seem to get a grip of them. Our conversation was spluttering so badly, it completely choked and keeled over midway in the 5th sentence. And even though we sat just next to each other on neighbouring tables, there was no talk.
The things that make my brain tick. She really knows how to blow my mind away.
Sometimes, your past just walks past you when you least expect it. For a person who tries to cut his past as cleanly away as possible, it just never stops throwing itself in my face.
I walked by Victoria on Monday, while she was clinging onto the arm of her boyfriend. I find it ironic, and weird that I should see such a sight, as if so blatantly put to remind me of what was, what is, and what could be.
Today, I met another figure from my past, though not close to say the least. Yet once again, it's coincidental how far your past can come to get you sometimes. In a place so remote from where I once was, with ties so new and almost unrelated, there can be something linking me from the past to the present.
Wow! I'm really gonna miss my life in a month's time. Came home at 2.30 in the morning today. I reckon that's a first for the sad old me, who's life has been bounded by curfews since forever.
Watched Harry Potter 3 last night. It was OK la. Everyone is so funky now, with their hairdos. Is it just me, or is Potter and Weasley's hair waxed in almost every scene? And I swear they're subtly promoting Hermione's sex appeal by all her poses and actions!
Oh yeah, I also went to Toni Ramos. It's so expensive! Not like super expensive, but still a bit too high for me. Lucky I wasn't paying. And there was this super cute waitress!!! Argh! Haha.
It was a beautiful night tonight. Just like I imagined it to be a long long time ago. A lovely story written somewhere in the back of my head, always hoping that one day it will be replayed in real life, but never really believing in the possibility.
But tonight, just tonight, it came true. And that moment was so sweet, so tantalising, I wish I could capture it and replay over and over again. It couldn't be perfect, but it was already too good. Another moment of magic, thanks to you. That is was fleeting, and soon to be forgotten, only makes its delicate beauty all the more fragile, and all the more precious to behold.
A walk in the park, the cool night breeze, your soft words. What more could I ask for.
On a totally different note altogether, I must be starting to look pretty approachable lately. Today, yet another young lady scored with me. This time through a donation box. Didn't wanna give it to her at first, but since she was so persistent, and so good a flatterer, oh well. Unfortunately for her, I only had 10 cents. Whoops.
My luck with money also seems off. Today I'm supposed to be paid by 3 students, but through one reason or another, all cannot. Weird. Also received a weird phone call. I suspect it's a prank call. An indian lady called asking for a Chandran Morgan. And when I said wrong number, she quoted my number and called me a liar! So weird. So I just put down on her. In which she did not call again. Which is the main reason why I suspect prank call. Wonder who it is...
I'm traumatised. I knew this would happen, I knew it, I KNEW IT! Right from the start I was on to it. It's a conspiracy! Argh. Rosalind is not coming back to Jap class. My world has collapsed. No more eye candy. Sob. No more dreams of glitz and glam. Sniff. Boohoohoo...
Amidst all my confusion and trauma, somebody pounced on me and took advantage of it this morning. As I was trudging slowly to school, I feel someone catching up with me from behind, and this girl appears. Then she continues with the usual 'gimme 30 seconds, just only 30 seconds' and 'I'm not selling anything' crap. She even threw in a 'my first ticket' for good measure. Normally, I'm immune to such sales. But today my clouded mind made me extremely vulnerable.
Before I knew what was happening, I had already taken out my wallet, handed out 5 bucks, and received a coupon which I have absolutely no use for except to stare at it blankly. I feel cheated and taken advantage of. In addition to that, milliseconds after pocketing the coupon, I found myself exchanging numbers with her. Everything was over so quick that only when I finally arrived in class did I realise I was 5 bucks poorer, 1 coupon heavier, and 1 phone number more.
In case you're wondering, I asked her first of course. But it's weird. I'm still reeling from shock at the things you do when you can't think. Anyways, she's gonna pay. I'm gonna pester that number everyday until she changes to a new line. That'll teach her to cheat my money. Hmph.
There you were, smiling happily at me, smiling with that kind of natural childishness you had, as though all you knew were joy. And then you skipped over the table, came over to me, and hugged me. Fierce and tight, as you once did. You whispered, 'I guess it's OK, afterall,' and my consciousness slowly slips away, overcome with the joy of redemption. Then I woke up.
It was short, but it was sweet. Somethings you do let go, but you can never forget. I still miss you, Wui.
I realised I'm no good for a businessman. I'm just too honest and full of conscience, even if you may find that doubtful.
Today I just got cheated. All the while my brain was screaming, 'you're being cheated!!' but I ended up being the one feeling bad. I was underpaid, and I felt relieved. Somehow, I just can't argue for a fair share when it comes down to money, find it so hard to open my mouth. Oh well.
I am awaken by a not so gentle rumble in the middle of the silent night. I hear the steady pitter patter of heavy rain, and the occasional zooming by of a lonely car. Poor fellas, where could they be going at this time of the night, I wonder. What time is it anyway, I do not know. I can see several flashes through my closed eyes, and I hear another prolonged rumble. One, two, three, four. Four seconds long. The longest I've ever heard yet. Chain lightning? I'm tempted to peel open my eyes and watch for it, but I relent. My thoughts turn to her as I shiver under my covers, and I wonder if she is hiding under her blanket. But nah, she must have grown out of that years ago. And I wonder what it would be like to hold her close and hear her soft, rhthymic breathing, like a gentle lullaby, lulling me into dreamland with her. So I lay, wide awake, eyes tightly closed, curled into a ball. Afraid to open them for fear I cannot sleep, unable to sleep for my mind is filled with her.
I'm sitting here, staring at the screen, waiting for a reply that's never gonna come. The media player picks out the song 'Fast Car(1)' by Tracy Chapman, and I'm wondering why the voice is a guy's. Isn't Tracy a girl's name? Even the lyrics are supposed to be for a girl. Or maybe my sound system is bad. Or I can't tell guys from girls.
The (1) in the title too. It's not part of the title. Just happens to be there because of the way it was downloaded or saved probably. Kinda cheapens the song. I have no idea why. Maybe because now it feels like some cheap reproduced copy. I feel sorry for the song, really, to have it invoke such detached feelings in me, especially when it was from...
I'm momentarily distracted by a reply. It dumps something on the screen, and soon goes silent again. Something pops up, and I take a look. I didn't know someone writes longer entries than me. Or is her font larger? My eyes are hurting right now. They might just start to tear and tomorrow it'll be all puffy and whatnot. Oh. It's tomorrow already.
The aircon is not working properly. It always seems too cold when I want it warm, and too warm when I want it cold. It can't be me, my body's supposed to be maintained at 36.9 degree Celsius, and I don't touch the thermostat. So temperature is supposed to be approximately constant right? Wrong! Lousy aircon.
Just read a couple of blogs. The writing style is amazing. I'm totally blown away. My lexicon is so limited! Sigh. When will I be able to write so beautifully, so impressively? Slowly slowly... I have this sinking feeling I'm gonna be at the bottom of my English/Literature minor class, whichever I choose to take.
Man. I hate show offs. In my world, there can only be one show off. Me. Unless you are some hot babe, no showing off!
Here I have this guy who is learning Korean and Japanese, thinking he's damn smart and telling me all about their history. Sigh. Friend, I may not be able to speak any bit of Korean except hashehshhshshs(I only hear those sounds anyway), but my Japanese happens to be superior to yours. So quit it. Thank you.
Sigh. I just got ambushed by a romance novel. I don't like reading romance, not so much because they can be cheesy sometimes, but because I can't take it. Fine. It wasn't even complete romance, but it's too much for me. Can You Keep A Secret? by Sophie Kinsella.
Blah. Makes me wish all that again. That someday my secret fantasy would be fulfilled. I can't even feel jealous now, only despair. Wish my life could be a fairytale as well. That some Prince Charming would come sweep me off my feet. That some rich sensitive modern day millionaire would suddenly fall truly, madly, deeply. So easy to escape into this world eh? Only I'm not a girl. Well, I could be gay? Haha.
And they always, ALWAYS have bloody happy endings! My life is in a bloody mess now. My future is ruined, I can't get the bloody courses I want, and I dunno where I'm gonna be. I don't have the feeling it's gonna be anywhere good or on top. And not to mention that she has no affections for me. Yar, it's no big deal, but it's still a big deal. It's so frustrating isn't it? To want something so much and have no ability to obtain it? Or is it simply I don't want it badly enough? She could survive pretty well without me in her life. Right now, I can't.
We were supposed to watch movie today, 2 in fact, but not even 1 came through. So upsetting. But I still feel so happy when I'm with her! I forget about everything else that she has, and I really don't hafta fake anything even when she talks about him or him. It's like, so OK. It's so bloody perfect. But after that... Sucks eh. Not like it's my 1st time. Being the unimportant, expendable person.
The book was about honesty, about keeping secrets. I really feel like giving up all my secrets. But big deal. Like she would care. But that's what she wants right? I gave it all already. I think I still have some, but I can't even think of it and pull it out. So those few are pretty unimportant eh. I'm not one for secrets. And honestly, I know none of her secrets either. She hasn't really opened up to me. Truly, how much do I know about her? I'm not who she confides in to talk about stuffs that are important or that matter to her. Nope. While she is the one I do confide in, only that I don't talk much coz she doesn't seem too interested. I hardly talk to anyone about anything these days.
What am I? What am I to her? But I already know, and she already said. I just keep thinking and hoping that I was something more. Just like I did before. This is just so me. Making mountains out of molehills. Maybe my mom is right when she says I'm gullible, when I used to so insist that I'm not. I'm really that hopeless eh... Sigh. Fuck la. How come there's no such thing as a Princess Charming who comes and rescue me? At the rate I'm going. I'll never make it. I can't be anyone's Prince Charming, especially not least the person I like.
Today's just one of those good days. It took me awhile to realised what exactly I was doing. Halfway into the second page before I noticed I was actually reading the book aloud to her. In a book store. The two of us, reading books together. Sigh. Bliss. It's the kind of thing I'd write about, but not realise it happening to me. Come to think of it, I have many a good memory in bookstores, or libraries. Hmm. Books and women.
Anyways. In addition to that, I met this hot chic in the elevator again. Come to think of it, it might just be the same elevator! No... I'm just hoping. Makes it more magical. Yeah. She said hello. And er... goodbye. Oh, and smiled. I smiled, too! Period. Argh.
Also saw Hui Jing today! After so long! Finally. She said I don't look so toot anymore. Like I ever looked toot?! Fine. Maybe just a little. Like just a little little. OK! I'm a nerd! Wrargh!
Moving on. I bought 6 books from the bookstore with my book vouchers from college day. 170 dollars! Beat that, losers! Yeah man. I'm into chic lit now. 2 books by Sophia Kinsella. W00t. If I pull this off carefully, I'd be girly enough to fulfill my secret dream of being a gay and nab a guy! Yee har! *sticks tongue out at Jason*
Phew. Just came back from a 2 day 1 night with my mom. So tiring can. I hafta juggle my work, Jap lessons, and time with her. Somemore hafta carry all the stuffs she brought for me around. But I guess it's worth it. Finally got my sandals replacement! Yay!
We stayed at a budget hotel at Geylang, next to Hotel 81. So interesting man. Saw these 3 black guys bidding for this girl, showing numbers on their fingers to indicate price.
Also, actress is leaving my Jap class for work. Sigh. Now things will be so boring without someone to talk to and oogle at.
Today, I met this shuai Cambodian with such a cool name! Voreak! Haha. Asked me for direction to borders. I think I was a little crazy today. Started talking to him and asked for his phone number. Damn! I approached a guy? Haha... Come to think of it, he might think I'm gay. But oh well. I think it'd be damn cool to have a Cambodian friend. I know nuts about Cambodia. Blah. But I'm gay. He hasn't replied my sms. Sob.
I'm torned between elation and devastation now. I just completed my must-have list for this year. Actually, one of them been's on the list for years, but nevermind... It's rather early, but since I don't have many must-haves anyway, so I guess it's no big deal. Not getting a new handphone after all.
Very broke now. Bought the MOST expensive thing ever with my own cash. A Casio EX-Z30 digicam. The baby's sweet. If you ask why I didn't get the Z40. Well, I gotta save some cash. Heh. A little goes a long way. With that, it rounds off my list, which includes only 2 other things, an external HDD, and an external microphone which I have replaced with an MP3 player cum memory stick cum recording device. Yay!
Now I hafta work my ass off to recover the lost cash. Sigh. Just when I thought this month was finally going into profits. Heh.
Oh ya, they were having a mother's day promotion, that's why.
Woah. Just came back from AJ's EL performance. It's amazing. Jan is such a good actress. I'm thoroughly impressed. Sasaki-sensei mou onaji iken da. Jan's also very pretty pretty tonight, haha... The play on it's own wasn't all that deep? But it was an interesting watch nonetheless. To put it in the words of sensei, "Easier for foreigners to understand," heh...
Spent the rest of the night talking with sensei in Macs. How unromantic. But it was interesting nonetheless, me trying to speak in my smattering of Japanese. I did most of the talking anyway, the typical me. Oh by the way, I think I found out who my new classmate is. Rosalin Pho from Lightyears, if I got the spelling right. My guess that it was a Lightyears star was accurate, and also explains why I don't recognise her. Oops. But I agree she is rather pretty.
Sigh. A new challenger. I feel too lazy to compete with her. Plus she's way ahead anyway. Oh bother bother.
ARGH. Nolstalgia. I did what I shouldn't have. I opened the Pandora's Box. Now it's all gushing back again. It was about this time last year I joined them. The Box. Heh. It's been one year already and I still haven't let go. What would they say if they knew. It's too late to say on what ifs, but I guess I just miss miss miss them. I miss them so much. Haha. Silly me.
LEA SALONGA
TOMORROW
The sun will come out, tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow, there`ll be sun
Jus` thinkin` about, tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
`Til there`s none
When I`m stuck with the day that`s gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohhh
The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on `til tomorrow
Come what may...
Chorus:
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
You`re always a day away
(Instrumental)
The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on `til tomorrow
Come what may...
(Repeat Chorus)
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
You`re always a day a--way!
Woah. Been some time eh? Was trying to eat grapes just now, but gave up. The process is just so paintakingly slow, the grapes so many, and the taste a little too sour. I can't take sour stuff.
Anyways, been pretty busy lately. Life's been ok to me, the usual ups and downs. Putting what I learnt last year to good use here. So far so good, nothing damaging has occured yet. Hope that lasts, though. Heh. Slowly edging towards the danger zone. But I guess, if I don't, I'll never know how far I can push.
Bought a longsleeve shirt today. Rather expensive, but I'm quite happy with it. Wanted to buy other stuffs for my wardrobe too, but guess my wallet just doesn't have the stamina, haha. Besides, I'm not sure how I wanna dress now. I'm so comfortably lazy being the sloppy me, that trying to look proper is tougher than er, er, studying? ;P
Have tuition tomorrow, but feeling a bit too tired and lazy to study. Guess I'll just hafta do impromptu again. I'm getting pretty good at covering my tracks actually. Right now, all my students are impromptu already. A bit of laziness and a bit of familiarity with the topics makes my work a whole lot easier. Heh. Gonna play some games now.
The wheels of the bus go round and round, round and round...
Went for communication studies admissions test and interview at NTU today. The test was a mini essay, which I don't think I fared too well, coz I wrote very GPish. Just couldn't help relapsing into it, instead of my own style. Interview was OK. Not good, not fantastic, but not bad, not horrid either. Just OK. He liked me, I liked him. But I didn't give enough solid stuff to substantiate my reason to be admitted, I guess. Now I can only wait.
Strange how it all keeps coming back. Today I met someone new from an old place. And I hear old stories again. Dunno whether to feel reminiscent, or to feel sian. Sigh. But that's life.
Oh. Go watch HellBoy. If you don't mind loads of rubbery tentacles that like to burst and spill goo all over the place that is. The company I was with was so engrossed they forgot to eat their nachos, popcorn, and drink their coke. So there you go.
So many things to say. No one to say to. It tears me apart that you care, yet you do not care, because it is your nature to care, and not because you truly mean it.
I only want to let you know who I am. But even that I guess is difficult. Forget it then. Your life is crowded. There is no room for me.
I know my place.
I could tell you the world if you asked. If you only asked.
Man I feel good. Tonight something finally went right. I guess all the little things that went wrong was worth the trade off for this.
It feels so much lighter now that it's been released. Albeit clumsily. Still. It's a wonderful feeling to know that she knows and yet we can still continue on. I don't have to worry about what's gonna happen next, or if she'll ever find out; all I hafta do now is enjoy every moment of my time. And that's what life is all about. Haha.
It's still too early to say anything la. But I'm blessed. And I'm confident that life will go on as before.
I just finished watching Monster. The show is simply awesome. And there is no happy ending. It is simply about how life steps down on you, and even when you fight back, you simply get crushed to bits. You just have to cherish the good bits, and live out the bad ones. Sad in the end how she was betrayed, even though she was willing to sacrifice. For love. Even long after her naivete and dreams have passed, she sacrificed herself for love.
Sigh. How long am I going to stay in my make-believe? I'm just thankful that life has been relatively kind to me so far. I've been through shit, but I at least I'm allowed to live on, and bluff myself through with my fairy tales. One day, all that will change, and I'll be disillusioned. Or maybe I'll lead a disillusioned life, fighting for what I want to believe in, but never really believing in it. But I hope that eventually, I'll find my happy ending.
Sometimes, I guess we just have to accept reality. It's harsh, but life's unfair. And that's the bottomline.
Amidst all my little frustrations and exasperations, I should have a full blown dream of her, with proper visuals no less, not the blurry dreamy type. Damn, it felt so damn real. But why? There was nothing to trigger the memory.
I was never good at keeping 'family' relations. Somewhere out there, I have a Sotong family, a husband, a little sister, a daughter, possibly a wife and a grandmother, and god knows what. But they all eventually fade away coz I never know what to make of them. Except my dear dear lao gong of course. But it's weird, to dream of my 'daughter' 4 months after I forgot she existed.
Of the 4 of them, while I was closest to Wui, I felt most protective of Angel. No wonder my daughter eh? Haha. In the dream, I asked 'why', the question that has been haunting me for so many days in my life. And the answer was because of my company. In the dream, the impression of my company was Alwin. But in reality, at that point of time, it was only the 4 of them. Or if I dare say, the 5 of us. Come to think of it, I never really asked Angel 'why'. Si and Wui, yes, ask until they sian of me liao. But Angel no. Heh.
So in my confused state, the heavens sent an 'angel' to guide my way eh? Oh the irony, the irony. I'm practically keeling over with it. So in addition to a broken shaver, a faulty hard disk that I now realised is actually a faulty laptop, an unfunctional game, a messed-up social life, several lost jobs, and basically more things to frustrate me that I cannot recall right now, I now have a dream to puzzle out. My life is so interesting.
Blah. They say you can run, but you can't hide. My past finally caught up with me. Again.
When I left AJ, I thought I had left the worst of me, and the worst of my reputation behind. But apparently no. What you do follows you around no matter how hard you try to shake it. So today it came back to haunt me.
I had hoped that I need not tell you that story. I had hoped to start anew. But as fate dictated, it was not to be. I came clean with you, but to be honest, I'm afraid. Afraid that you will see me differently. I only ask that you judge me in your eyes, and in the eyes of no other.
Sigh. It's disappointing sometimes to know who betrays you. You can never see it coming. And I've been making bad judgements for the past 2 years. My instincts are not serving me well anymore. Surprises just keep on coming eh? My life. But to those who believe in me, thank you.
And dear dear lao gong, hai shi ni zui teng wo. Haha...
Not that I'm very old, but I have seen 3 years more of life than her. Still, talking to her makes me question my self affirmed views of life. I am tempted to scoff and laugh it off, and say, been there, done that. But truly, have I? For all my laments, I have yet to fully understand people of any sorts. I can only make general, biased opinions. Makes me wonder who's the real child, me or her.
And in case you're wondering, I questioned, she answered.
Haha. But it is interesting to meet someone with as strong an opinion about her opinions as I am with mine. I realised today if there's one thing I'm extremely arrogant about, it's my thoughts. She basically asserted her arguments as if they were facts. I didn't argue, coz I know next to nothing about the matter at hand, and I hate making assumptions. Not that I don't.
Anyways, it ran from rappers to people, and then the detestable nature of boys and girls. I think I sounded shallow. Should I sound otherwise? What's the fascination with depth anyway? Questions questions. Haha... Tonight, I'm all about questions.
I just came back from a nearby mini mart. I was short of cash, the goods I bought costing 12.30, while I only had 11.20. Sigh, the things carrying a debit card does to you. You never bring enough cash along.
But anyways, I asked for a discount. Yeah man, that's so out of character. But since I'm downgrading from my broken electric shaver to a normal manual blade, couldn't hurt to ask for a bit of directions. Incidentally, I downgraded my M1 plan to a newer cheaper one. Now I got free incoming! Quick! Call me!
Ok, I digressed. I asked for a discount. The man said no! Can you believe it? But he offered the goods to me for all my money, on condition I come back and pay the balance. Now that's business. A certain degree of trust in your customers eh? That's something I haven't seen for some time. For all you know, I can don't come back what. He must have been prepared to lose the money. But the thing is, if he was, he should just gimme the discount. Selfish guy. Haha.
Oh well. To appease my conscience, I shall return the money. I'm on the losing end. *Grumble grumble*
Just finished watching the last episode of the last season of Sex and the City. It rocks!!! Ok, I know I'm slow to finish. And I knew she was going with Big, but it still didn't spoil the ending anyway.
But what caught me wasn't what Big did. He was long overdue anyway. What did catch my attention was the other men in her friends' lives. Smith, Steve, and Harry. Especially Smith. They really went all the way for their women. Is it too good to be true, or would I too? Right now, I highly doubt. But... I guess I'd like to think I would.
I mean, Steve and Harry, I can understand. But Smith, now I cannot believe. Hell, he's so damn loyal it breaks my heart. Which is good, of course. Just wondering if such people exist. Blah. Now that is funny and ironic. Isn't that supposed to be a question posted by a girl?
Anyways. That's that. I'm suddenly at a loss of words again. These few days have been like that. I feel so much that I wanna say, but I just can't find the words to put them into. Sigh.
Walked like 15 minutes to get there in the evening drizzle, with an umbrella of course. Though the fact that I did not use it and allowed myself to get totally soaked was a different matter altogether. It's a unisex salon (they spelt it that way), and the service is so darn good! The moment I enter, a lady stuck out her hand to take my umbrella for me, even though she was busy chatting, I mean, discussing business on the phone!
Then, I was immediately seated. They must all be very well trained, that's why I was served by the youngest hairdresser there, while the more senior ones were watching some stock market drama serial, no doubt to educate themselves for an appropriate discourse with future business clients. The young hairdresser asked me politely how I would like my hair cut, and I replied, short please, really really short. In chinese of course. We must have some kind of telepathic link, coz immediately, she asked me to confirm, you want very very short right? I nodded emphatically, and happily. This was still in chinese of course. Actually, to simplify things, I never spoke a single word of english there. Though what language medium has to do with a haircut, I have no idea.
Anyways, I was seated peacefully, watching my hair getting shorter by the minute, and feeling tumultous joy at the idea of getting a few kgs lighter on the head. In fact, so enraptured I was by the thought that I didn't even bat an eyelid when she drop the comb in what must be an attempt to entertain their customers with acrobatics, I guess. I feel bad for not laughing at her antics. They must have been trained with some fail safe mechanism though, to prevent their customers from ruining their hair. My fringe reached my nose when I went in, but by the time she was done, my fringe still reached my nose, even though we both agreed on very very really really short hair. Still, I guess I must have meant shorter hair. Silly me.
Soon, we were done. She dusted much of the hair onto my shoes. I think she figured I'd like some of my hair to take back as a souvenir. My face was also full of hair, that normally other barbers would brush away. Oh wait, she's a hairdresser, so I guess it must be the new in thing to have hair on my face. Damn. I shouldn't have bathed. After paying her, I walked out, feeling happy that I now possess a new funky hairstyle that must be all the rage.
Suddenly feeling very alone and scared. Trying to do my Jap shukudai, but I can feel the fear nagging at the corner of my mind. It's one of those moments again when you think about life at large, and your future lays itself out like the vast expanse of the galaxy in front of you, and you start hurtling into the infinite well of blackness. I can feel myself sinking, no, falling, no, accelerating into this bottomless black hole.
I can imagine it. 10 years from now, I'll be in front of a computer, or behind a desk, or maybe both. I'll be doing my work, and after that, I'll say goodbye to my acquaintances, smile a fake polite smile, and walk home. And I'll knock shoulders with the afterwork human traffic, finally heaving a sigh when I reach my apartment. Fiddling with the keys in my pocket, I finally unlock the door, shove it open, and shout out, 'Honey, I'm home!' Only that there's nobody. I'm all alone.
Then there's pawing on my leg, and a joyful bark, as something tries to jump up and lick me. There she is, my beloved Champagne. I pass her my bag, and she carries it diligently to the sofa, careful not to salivate it. After that, we snuggle up for a little TV and dinner. Nah. Life can't be that bad, when there's a dog around. Gee, I can't believe I forgot about her.
And in a split second, I'm yanked suddenly, but not uncomfortably, out of that gaping hole. Now I'm sitting happily in my chair in the room with the lights brightly shining, and I don't feel so afraid anymore. But damn, I wish she was here now.
I miss having someone on permanent joy mode around me.
Inu wa totemo kawaii desu yo! Watashi wa inu ga totemo suki desu ne. Demo, neko ga suki ja arimasen. Neko ga warui desu ne. Totemo warui desu. Heh.
Blah. I hate being second best. Or second rated, or next best choice, or just missed the list, etc etc. I always seem to be struggling to get anywhere. If I'm not going to get there, can like put me somewhere far far away????? Gargh.
AJ, not top 5, but 6. Sian. Rank in AJ, 11, missed the top 10. Yawn. Hmm. Actually, I'm not even near second best. But yeah, 2nd best for Bio, so there you go. Sigh. Someone always beats me to the top. Always always! Blah. And when I did get to the top, once for GP I think, I hafta share it with someone else. Oh, and not to mention it's not recognised. So as far as records are concerned, no such thing.
In relationships, same thing. I'm very expendable apparently. People either take great delight in sidelining me, or I just can never seem important enough to make the effort for. The phrase 'Zhong Se Qing You' seems very apt to describe my friends, haha. The significant other is always a major problem. Is it my fault that many of my friends are attached? Sigh. Jealous gal and boy friends.
My wish, my one wish, is to have someone hold me as number one. Is that so hard? And no, I don't want a girlfriend coz those things don't last. Even marriage now is no longer till death do us part. I just want a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a comforting presence.
Yeah, I guess it's that hard. Screw number one. I'll have my laughs someday.
I was reading something about charisma off another person's blog. It's interesting, even fascinating, this trait. Almost charming, in fact. Sometimes I just wonder how much charisma do I have. I can never tell.
But charisma can either be innate, or be mastered. Today, I see the magic and intrigue of innate charm. How we dance so conciously and so willingly to the charms of another. I feel it so strongly, yet I deny resisting it. I'm happy to serve. It's weird la. And seeing my fellow compatriots who all are captured by the charm of this same person, we move happily to the tune of this invisible Piper's melody.
Then of course, mastered charm. Charisma derived from proper study of human behavious and conscious practise to get on the good side of others. Without seeming unnatural. I'm one of the disciples of this field, haha. Only that I'm not very good at it. Salesmen are the most obvious form of polished and practised charisma.
Aiya. I'm talking rubbish. My brain just not working. I missed several scholarship deadlines thanks to my procrastination, and it's not the 1st time. I really deserve it. Gotta write 4 essays tom. Blah.
I spent a lot of time mucking around today, waiting. Actually, I hate waiting. While I'm normally patient enough, that does not mean I enjoy waiting for hours on end, for something indefinite and possibly short-lived. But I guess that happens to me all the time, and I always end up waiting anyway.
That's why I don't mind being early and waiting for someone punctual. Coz that's my fault. And while I'm not really happy with people who are late, if they inform me how long extra they'll need, it's not that bad. At least I know how much more time I have to kill. But I hate it when people just expect you to wait for ever. They assume your patience is infinite. And they are not courteous enough even to offer a little information on how long more you have to wait for their Royal Highness. But of course, the worst are those that wait until you're outside already, happily waiting, and then tell you to cancel it coz they can't make it. Or better yet, don't tell you at all and just don't make it. People have no common sense nor consideration. Either that or it's just me, and I'm highly expendable. What shit.
And just in case you're reading this, it's not you. I just have a lot of time to think today, again, as usual. So I decided to think on why I spend so much of my life waiting for other people.
I was thinking how aimless I was, just wasting my life away like that, precious seconds ticking bye, that I could be doing something else. Maybe not something more productive nor useful, but just something else I enjoy, instead of stoning somewhere. Yar, I could go book store, but I hate reading something halfway. Window shopping? I finish waaaay too fast. So I just stone and people watch. And the best part is, today, everyone around me is smoking, so I gotta keep changing places. Blah.
Sigh. At least last time I could be lost in my own thoughts. Now I have a new mp3 player, so I can't really think when music is blasting into my ears. So I just rot. How sweet.
In short, just because I'm good at waiting don't mean I love waiting. So don't make me wait if it's not necessary. Hmph.
