:: Wallpaper ::

:: Thursday, October 23, 2003 ::

Gee. I realised this place is ancient. I need a change of layout. I need to fix my comments. I need to repair my archives.

Last night was my last formal dinner. After 6 yrs, and that's 24 dinners assuming I didn't miss any, which I sincerely doubt I would, it finally is over. Like the farewell assembly marks the end of JC life, the formal dinner marks the end of my boarding life. Sigh. Humans are funny. You never really miss anything until it's over. And you always compare everything to the past and say it's better.

Last night, singing performances by Sally, hip hop dances by the guys, poor imitation hip hop dances by the gals, more singing, more dancing, instrumentals, and every other formal dinner performance I have ever watched flashed through my mind. And things have come a long way then. I remember my company then, the fixed seatings and random arrangements, the time I first cast eyes on my fav lit teacher, the time I had an awkward dinner with Rachel, the time I was the life of the table, the times I spent with Dan and Rio and Horn, and DJ and gang. Every dinner is different, in some way or the other. Sometimes it's a horrid experience I just wanna get over and done with, sometimes it's so enjoyable I wished it'd never end.

Last night, I sat quietly and just pondered. The performances have improved again, after a dip I thought would never recover. The PRCs are rapidly taking over and will soon become the new life of boarding, once they throw away their mugger impressions. I think they will soon, the new batches are getting more modern and hip. Next you know, they'll bring back hip hop dancing. Or better yet, breakdancing. Now it's free seating. The company feels... so different. Back then, I spoke English to everyone, and half the people couldn't speak Chinese anyway. The things we talked about were different, more... my taste. Now, it's Chinese. Almost everyone speaks Chinese, except the Indons.

If you ask me, I think I've failed miserably. We've failed miserably. We used to be the life of boarding. The M'sians were the funnest batch of people to be around with. We'd sing songs in the courtyard, mass gatherings and chit chats. We'd go to the dining hall in groups and talk loudly over the dining tables. We'd jest and pull pranks on one another. There was just more activities then. After the seniors left, it just seemed to spiral down hill. Guess there wasn't anyone to hold us together anymore. Us 3 should have taken the lead then, being most senior, but one was too engrossed in school life, the other trying hard to shy from limelight when he was the star, and me, I somehow shrank into my shell of anti-socialness.

Then they all left, every one but me. I should have taken the lead again, and I tried. But the new group were well bonded, and I was an outsider, who spoke English. Mayhap I still carry too much of the past around me, and I cannot see a different kind of life present now. Maybe I just miss being part of all the excitement and attention. I feel like a relic, old, unable to connect to the rest of the world. Bleargh. I guess of the 3 of us, I was the one who didn't follow my dreams and betrayed myself. RJ, TJ, AJ. And I guess I choosed not to fit in.

Haha... It's all over. After I finish this chapter, no, volume of my life, a new one wil be written. I will start fresh again, with a clean sheet. As long as I take care not to soil it this time. The finale is over. The curtains have already drawn close. Now, we wait, for the final act. The epilogue.


:: Sam 9:00 PM [+] ::
...

Sigh. Sometimes I really hate the male ego.

Went to play pool just now. And somebody who was evidently more skilled in me in terms of theory and etc, was peeved coz I beat him all 5 games the last time we played. So he set his target to thrash me 5 balls to nil. Ouch. So insulting man. And says it's so possible coz I suck. Oh well. Perhaps I gloated too much at him. Eventually after 5 attempts, yeah, he thrashed me. 6 nil. Gee. I'm still not sure it's becoz I gave it to him or what, but I simply lost the mood to play when he stops giving me advice for my shots and all, and chooses to mock me with the 'you're better than me' thing.

Yeah. I don't like losing either, nobody does. But does he have to take it that far? He was practically tight lipped about everything! Then where's the challenge of thrashing me? And just becoz I'm a self-taught player without the rule book techniques, doesn't make me less a player. I'm not superbly good, but I'm above average, especially when I'm on form. Blargh. Don't really feel like bitching about it now. Just that it terribly reminds me of Daniel. Sore loser. I hate sore losers.

After thrashing me 6 nil, he started cheering up again and resumed talking. Sometimes I wonder, what's it worth man? Well, I could have lost to him early on too, just that I didn't coz it was against my own pride. Haha. Pride versus pride. How dumb. Sigh. Life.


:: Sam 7:06 AM [+] ::
...

And zhimin. If you see this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I blew my top at you the other day. It's just that sometimes you remind me so strongly of myself that it scares me. No offense, but it's the part of me I don't like, the part that I wanna slap wide awake and tell it to buck up. Don't get me wrong, I like your ideals, and mine, but they just can't possibly work on everyone. And I don't think I wanna keep on pondering on such things that only makes life more miserable. I wanna be happy, always. Sometimes I succeed, most times I don't. But at least I'm trying. I believe you are too. Haha. Dunno if what I'm saying makes any sense or is relevant to you or not. Just that in life, there's no black or white, just shades of grey. And most people suck in one way or another, and they disappoint you all the time. But you gotta decide, whether you wanna keep looking at all their faults, or you wanna look for what's good in them. If you really can't find anything good, then let go of them. I'd like to believe everyone is nice at heart, and that's what I live by. Expect nothing, and you will receive no disappointments. Hope that helps?


:: Sam 9:33 PM [+] ::
...

Sigh. I'm in a dreamy mood again. It always happens when you've got too much time to yourself and you don't wanna do anything but daydream and look at pictures. I read somewhere once of the phrase, 'falling in love with love'. That's me. I'm head over heels in love with love.

And it's really sad. It blinds you to everything else. You have so much love around you (or so they say, I don't see any of mine around), and you never for once noticed, taking it for granted, only desiring your perfect love, the concept of love you fell in love with. I crave love, the ideal of love, and sometimes it consumes me so much that I just want love from anyone or anything. It amazes me what that desire and craving can make you do, all the stupid and unimaginable antics that only serve to push you further away from that ideal. But it's just that, an ideal, something abstract, something that will never reciprocate and love me back.

What about parental love? What about friend love? What about all the other little little love that surrounds you? Honestly, if I felt it, I wouldn't be craving love now, would I? Yeah. Who really made me feel loved anyway? My sweet darling Champagne, perhaps. That's what I love about dogs. They're made to love. But she's gone now. My parents are miles away, and even if I were at home with them, there is just no bond, what with their constant disagreements. There is no peace. Friends? Gee. What friends?

It's hard to fit into any niche. I used to try to find that ideal love. I realised it doesn't work that way, and found something else that satisfied me. Friendship. But even that now eludes my grasp. People have formed cliques of their own that I find it so hard to break into. The rare moments I do, I'm kicked out of it, fast. Maybe I'm mixing with the wrong company? Sigh. But how can one whole school be considered wrong company? And it eats into me. I daren't make too close a friend with any other new people, coz if I do, I'll be close for awhile, and I'll lose them again. That's what always happens. What happened to that childhood ideal of a best friend? The shadow of old Nicholas still haunts me. Do I miss you? No. But I miss having a friend like you. Yeah, and Jeremy and Justin, pals I let go just like that coz of my stupidity and naive thinking.

The world has no nobility anymore. Gone were the days when a friend would sacrifice everything for you, and you would gladly do so in turn. Perhaps it's just much harder to get that close. I guess it also makes you weak. I'm prone to such sudden attacks of going an extra mile for people I'm not all that close to, sudden impulses of niceness, and all I get are suspicious looks. It don't get you nowhere. I'd rather watch in silence and let my heart ache for not being able to walk forward and help. Simply because an acquaintance offering assistance has ulterior motives, and only a chum can offer pure-hearted intentions. I think I still live in my kindergarden days. I never quite got over it.

You know, sometimes I think blogs are detrimental to health. Yeah, it's an outlet for you, but it's also a window to other people's lifes. And when you look into those windows, you can get so jealous and envious of the things they have. They have such a rich life, with shoulders to cry on, loves to live for, friends to die for. I walk my walk alone. Of course, there are those who wallow in the same self-pity as me, which you find the desire to reach out and hold, and say hey, I'm here for you, only that you can't, coz your the path of your lifes do not cross. For the same reason that I will only have friends who care for me for a season, and disappear out of my life a little while later. Simply because they have their own life too, and I'm not in it.

Oh well. It's ironic isn't it? Knowing all these but being unable to pull myself out of it. It's sad. I'm just looking at my bedsheet and I notice the guy has 6 fingers. Maybe one day I'll notice something else. Won't somebody send me an Angel from heaven to slap me wide awake so that I can appreciate my life? Or is there really nothing left in my life for me to appreciate? I live for myself and myself alone, for now, and forever. I hope one day I'll find something else worth living for.


:: Sam 9:06 PM [+] ::
...

The music hits the highest note, as the players turn to face each other. Holding the parcel in her hand, she looks across the invisible wall, and whispers, "Thank you for everything." He looks at her with a sad smile, and nodded. The lights darken and she steps backwards, slowly slipping away from his sight, as the music softens to a slow melancholy. He turns gently around and bows, as the music reaches its final note, and it lingers in the air awhile longer, while the curtain begin its descent. The crowd goes wild with cheers and applause.

So that is it. It concludes. Dunno to be happy or not, but guess I should. At least there was a thank you. It ended perfectly, in true sad drama spirit, haha. Not too cold, but not very warm either. Should just make do with what I get. After all, if you look on it positively and it ends this way, it could be said that there was redemption. Bleargh.

Took quite a number of photos today. But particularly with 1 person I've always wanted to take with a long time, though the pic turns out to be not very nice, because of me as usual. I'm such a lousy poser in front of the camera. Oh well. It's not me that's important. Dinner with class later tonight. Not sure if I should go. I should, it's our 2nd last outing, there's chalet. Otherwise, we probably won't ever see each other again, knowing them. It's kinda bittersweet. Strange how everybody gets warmer all of a sudden towards the end. Pity J1s weren't around to snap pics with. Another day la ya.

Right. A levels now. Full steam ahead! Must not repeat my prelim tragedy.


:: Sam 1:40 AM [+] ::
...

The ball has been set into motion. My not-so-grand finale. Haha. Tomorrow will be farewell. I wonder how the story will end. Predictably, it'll end predictably. Sigh. But there's always a minor chance that it will be unpredictable, and that's my hope.

Hey Rou, thanks for the help ya? Really appreciate it, especially when you're so busy these few days with stuff, but still willing to help me with my whims. As they say, ganbatte ya!

Today, there was a mini farewell speech for a teacher who was leaving. Reminds me of my stepping down. I remember standing up there looking down at all those people that I was sworn to serve. I suddenly realised how many people there were. I wondered how many really care or appreciated, how many were even listening to Haun's last words, and how many really loved us? Expected the applause to be polite, necessarily there, but soft, barely audible, and quick to subside.

Imagine my surprise when the applause started. Everyone clapped. Everyone. And they kept on at it for a long while, getting even louder when we stepped forward to bow. Maybe it just sounds louder when you're up there, or maybe when you want to hear it loud, that's what you get. Regardless. The applause was touching. It surpassed everything I had ever expected, surpassed everything I ever wanted. For a second, I felt as though I really did something worth being proud of. For a moment, I was proud to wear my badge and stand up there. For a while, I stood tall and confident.

Thinking back on that, I clapped for her. Clapped as loudly as I could, till my hands ached. Although I disliked her so strongly, but she was leaving, and somewhere in between, she must have done a lot, and put in her effort to do what she thought was best. She must feel proud to hear the applause too. She must feel happy that everything was not in vain. So I clapped.

Tomorrow is farewell assembly. Will the little audience in the back of my mind clap too? Will they applaud me for a plot well acted, a game well played? Will I step down from the stage, head high, beaming with pride? There will be no grand ceremonies tomorrow, no pompous finale, as the curtains draw to a close. But it takes one person, just one, any one, and I would have won my Academy.

Hope. That's all I can do. Hope that somehow, miraculously, I would have unwittingly done something special and moved one of my audience in this long play of mine.


:: Sam 5:03 AM [+] ::
...

Sigh. Chem prac today screwed up big time! Contamination of chemicals again somewhere along the way. The exact same prob as mid-yr pracs! I simply don't understand what went wrong. Din finish the paper either. It's my A levels already!!! Gotta buck up boy. Gotta get that fat lazy ass out of bed and mug hard for the main papers. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

Totally broke now too. Idiotic me spent a whopping 25 on somebody's present. Which idiot will buy such an expensive gift for a gal who dun even talk to him no more, and is already happily attached? Unless he is madly in love with her. Prob is, I'm not! I don't even care about her and I'm never gonna see her again in my life! If I were, I think still can condone la. Sigh again.

I'm just such a sucker sometimes. Stickler for dramas and stuff. So end also must end with a bang. Just hate stories that fade away. But in the end it still does. Some things should have been forgotten a long time ago, yet I hold on strongly to the memories and try to end this imaginary story with a final gift, a final whisper, and a hope for redemption. Or at least to leave a mark.

Will it work? Is it worth that much? It's more than just money spent here. It's countless hours of thoughts and efforts, and deep down I know I won't even scratch her surface. I dunno why I still try. Haha. And she's probably lucky. I don't usually buy gifts for pple. When I do, I'm more concentrated on the item, and free with the money.

Hey, so don't curse me if I don't buy you a present ya? When your turn finally comes, rest assured it won't be disappointing! Hehe.

Disclaimer: I'm poor, and hanging by a few dollars left to last the year. 25 IS a large sum to me. That's 10 days worth of lunch. =P


:: Sam 3:47 AM [+] ::
...

Whoops. Big whoops. Looks like I'll hafta eat, no, swallow my words from yesterday. I got a merit award! Right. My first impulse is to goad the rest with who did not. But in between my incessant goading, I can't help but feel it's totally unfair! Yeah, yesterday I was wailing for one, and now I'm saying I shouldn't get one. But no, really, of course I wanna keep my award, but one only thinks on a full stomach what.

Do I deserve it? Yes and no. Yes for all the things I've done in black and white, and skillfully get my name printed in various events and certificates. But really, how many people actually know I exist? Few I believe. No for all the times those other more deserving people have put in blood and sweat way beyond me, but have gone unregistered in black and white coz that's extra, off the record work. While I disagree with the extra effort, I still believe they deserve something for that.

So here I am, a sneaky, unpopular idiot grinning with a merit, while out there, noble albeit semi-dim witted people get commendations or less. Yeah, I know they're just nice and kind people who are absolutely lovely to have around, and help to ease a lot of stuff, but I'm a cynical person. Help only those who need and deserve help. If you be nice and help everyone, you're gonna be taken advantage of. Oh well. But I admit these kinda people make for touching stories when they help those that everyone else abandons and in the end turn the lost ones around.

Sigh. What a wonderful world. It's so bloody unfair. Once again it's the crafty and unscrupulous that win the day. Not saying that I'm all that much of course. But notice how crooks and criminals rule the world? And how the rich ass guys often employ underhand means and stuff? And how recognition always goes to the one who does the least work? It's the matter of playing the right cards at the right time. And integrity has got nothing to do with it. Of course, the good guys may ultimately sit on the top, but in the meantime, right below them, are swarms of bad guys enjoying life and laughing at the average honest to goodness peeps.

Did I make any sense? Or am I rambling again? I think I kinda skewed my logic somewhere along the way. Haha. Anyways, I salute you peeps. You have my respect.


:: Sam 8:11 AM [+] ::
...

Sigh. So the final score is confirmed and keyed in. And I had two 59s!! How infuriating! Oh hell. I really suck big time this time around. Everyone supercedes me already. Failure manz. What to do.

Heard the merit awards etc going out already. And I dun get one. Sobz. K la, I know I dun exactly deserve one, but hey, at least gimme a commendation la! I did put in work too kayz. Just that I have a bad reputation, and the innate ability to go unnoticed in everything I do. But nah, I'm not sore about it la, you reap what you sow. My fault for my lousy PR anyway.

Remembered in sec skool I was prob the only CCA head who din get his service award too. Sho sad. I'm always like figurehead. But I really really did do something for the club kayz. At least more than any of the other members. I know I dun shine coz I'm a lazy person, but effort is still effort! That one, I'm abit unhappy about. That's life.

Gives me a feeling that all my accolades, all my achievements, are hollow, fake. Like not really exist except on paper. Looks impressive in ink, but when you ask around, nobody can say much for me. Yeah. That means I'm one hell of a master slacker and a con-artist. Somehow I don't take too much pride in that. Dammit. Since when did working hard and stupidly become more important than working smart, and doing the right things at the right time? Argh. People just dun get it.

Screw. Just wondering why people work their asses off. Coz they enjoy it. I'm just a low-lifer who got lucky. I prefer to stay in my hidey hole, so dun come shining the limelight on me please. Thank you.

Hey... Come to think about it. I really sound sore dun I? Haha... But seriously, I'm not. Just that some people out there deserve a merit more than others. I dun really know who's got it yet, but I do know of 2 who deserve it but got commendations instead. But yeah, I can't help wanting one. Makes my records more impressive dun it? Hehe...


:: Sam 6:04 AM [+] ::
...

Ouch. Even as I'm sitting down typing this, my ass is hurting. Decided to lie down instead. Sigh. Today was totally moronic of me.

PE this morning. We got to play games the full 2 periods instead of some stupid dance. Was so happy, yeah! Wanted to play soccer but my shoes were highly permeable to water. Then dunno who suggested badminton and the whole class went to play instead. So weird. My whole class guys+gals in MPH lor. For once got a bit of unity, even if coincidental, haha...

Right, and me so long neva play badminton liao, was abit on the high, jumping up and down like monkey, making all sorts of weird noises and gestures, like a total idiot. Actually quite rusty, missed quite a lot of shots. Anyways, while I was jumping up down left right, trying to look professional, my feet strangely decided to trip over my shoes. What happened next was pretty amazing to me. I ran backwards for like ten steps trying to catch my balance, and I couldn't for the life of me stand up. With one hand holding a racket, I can't rightly slam my hand down to catch myself either. So I continued to run backwards in a half squat kinda position. Finally, gravity won the battle and I fell right smack on my ass. Damn farnie actually, but damn painful oso. Not too bad la, at least didn't fall down immediately. So clumsy of me.

Tomfoolery aside, I think I still haven't gotten used to footwear. I've only gotten used to catching and breaking my falls in footwear. Notice how you never ever fall when barefeet? At least not for me. The bare soles are much better at feeling and grasping the ground than any shoes. Plus you have toes to help. Haha. Dunno la. Took off my shoes in the end anyways. Then we played doubles and my team won! Yeah, so happy! Wahaha...

Grades-wise, sux0r. B for Chem instead of A, C for Phy instead of B. Shitty. My dream of ABBC didn't come true after all. Sho sad. Oh well. Bio's B as well. Heard they moderating Phy. Even if they do, BBBB still sucks. Big time. Argh. I'm so tempted to be lulled into a false sense of security that I'm not the only one with such grades. But the danger is exactly because of that! Everyone's catching up! Not that that's no good, but it means I'm stagnant! Sigh.

Came back in the rain just now. Socks still got soaked wet. Hate wet socks. Lost my fav sock last night too. Dumb. I hate this.


:: Sam 11:56 PM [+] ::
...

I saw her from the corner of my eye, a haunting shadow from my past. As my head continue to turn, our eyes met, briefly, and moved on, as though searching for something else. It is not her nature to be forward, nor is it mine, and so like ghosts we ignore. Yet we both knew.

Time flies eh? And things change. I'm graduating soon. Somehow I feel no regret nor sadness at leaving this school. Not my first love anyway. But still, I am grateful for the opportunities gained that I would find nowhere else. How quaint that my farewell assembly falls on a certain someone's birthday. Starts and ends with you eh? Haha.

Right. Was talking to Sum at Mos burger today, offering some counselling advice on career and studies(me?!) when I observed this young couple. Hmm, ok, maybe not counsel, just chatting and helping one think aloud. But that's not the main point. As I was saying, the aforementioned couple were doing 'interesting' things under the table! Haha! The guy had his hand on her thigh, and was slowly pushing it up her pants!

I know it's rude to look, but hey, they can't be older than Sec 2 or 3, and the girl was really pretty. She also happened to be squirming and laughing alot, and trying to stop his hand from going any further, which was what attracted my attention in the 1st place. Then she saw me looking, and I looked away. Think she must have mentioned to her boyfriend, coz next moment I looked, they were just holding hands under the table like a shy innocent couple. Yeah right.

What's with kids these days? I still remember that Sec1/2 couple kissing in the train! Ew, gross! I think maybe I'm just getting a little old-fashioned here, but doncha think they're abit too young? Actually, that gal kinda reminds me of her. Whoops. Maybe it's the same gal grew up. Nah, Singapore ain't that small I hope. No, I saw both events this year, so can't be. Gee, I feel like an anachronism when I look at them. Hehe.

Western cultures sure take a swift and strong foothold, or I'm just way behind my time. Either way, I don't feel like saying much except shaking my head... Haha...


:: Sam 2:03 AM [+] ::
...

Sometimes, I just dunno whethere to laugh or to cry.

I got my Bio Prac yest, and I was so damn happy I passed!! I expected to fail for screwing up my concepts, but I passed! Then upon closer inspection, I realised I'd pass anyway even if I got those parts wrong, so hell yeah. Big deal. But I passed.

Math today. Secured the first grade in my dream. B. The dream was ABBC. So which will be A, which will be C? Interesting... Haha... And since when did I believe in dreams and portent omens...

Hit the greatest career crisis last night. For one moment I was like totally lost, oscillating between Med and PPE. Spent the morning meditating on it and I realised that I was panicking abit too much last night. Well, could say that my faith was shaken. It's not the first time. But kinda reinstalled liao. Med first no matter what, cannot only see how. It's running away from the problem in a sense, but at least it saves me from my current headache.

Yeah, and Keas, you really slapped me awake. For one moment I totally forgot I'm the senior and you the junior. Though I don't really hold such relations to heart. But still. I almost at one point believed you the mentor, and I the pupil. Wouldn't you say I'm such a nice and lovable student? Hehe. Niwaez, it's clear now. I'm the elder and you the junior, so know your place! Just kiddin. ;P

J1 promos in 3 days time. All the best to you people. Don't think, just mug! Jia you ya! Haha...


:: Sam 3:52 AM [+] ::
...

Realised I've been blogging quite piously recently, haha...

Strange how quickly a person adapts and gets used to any situation upon repeated exposure. By now, day 3, I have no strength left to feel remorse, sorrow, or angst at my grades. I can only sigh and shake my head in silent acceptance of what is and what not. Heard something nice though. Megan gave me all As prediction despite knowing I'd screw up for prelims. I dunno whether to thank her for her confidence, or to chide her for her adamance in claiming of my capabilities, not that it is my place to do so.

Suddenly whisked to a crossroads last night. Keas suggested PPE to me, that's Politics, Philosophy, and Economics. And honestly, it sounds good. Faster, cheaper, easier to get scholarships. I really dunno. Sudden crisis. The subjects also appeal strongly to me, especially philosophy, something I've been eyeing for a long time now. Sigh. See how. Just found out to my horrors that it supposedly exists as a subject combi only in Oxford, and by my own research, Durham. Die. Haha.

Was reading Plato's Republic I last night, of Socrates' dialogues. Really interesting. The guy as a tongue of a snake, easily twisting a person's reason against him. No wonder people got irritated with him. But he's good, his own reason and logic is very sound, and he must really be a fast thinker, or have thought through all the ideas long ago way before hand and formed his own judgements. He can undermine the opponents argument so simply, pulling the fella's carpet from underneath him, and the poor fella can only watch. I still think some of his arguments are flawed though, but since I was speed reading, can't really say much.

Sigh. What will I do now? Where will my path go? Haha... Come what may...


:: Sam 1:18 AM [+] ::
...