:: Wallpaper ::

:: Sunday, December 28, 2003 ::

Hmm... I think what I wished for may be coming true... Haha...

Watched LOTR:ROTK today. Arwen is soooo pretty!!!!! Man, I'm totally in love with that gal... Heh. It was enjoyable, though I prefer the battle scenes waaay more to the Frodo gay scenes. Ok, it's supposed to be brotherly and friend love that's darn strong, but it comes over a bit as gay la. Haha...

Finally saw some of the 'famous' pretty Ipoh gals today. Just when I was leaving. Damn. If things go smoothly and there are no hiccups, by Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning I'll be in Singapore again. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job and stay on. Otherwise, I'm gonna get a lot of nonsense from both my parents, not to mention my grandma and my aunt.

Sigh. Looks like I won't have time to complete my Reminiscence thingy this year, coz I was waaay too lazy. Nevermind, it's a JC look back, so not as bad I guess. Haha. Next time I write, I'll be back in Sg. Yay!!


:: Sam 9:24 AM [+] ::
...

It's my birthday!! YAY!!! Hope that what I wish for comes true.


:: Sam 11:33 AM [+] ::
...

Reminiscence, Interlude

The things I wanted to do:

1. Sing a duet
2. Co-author a story poem
3. Have a full day out with my bestest friends
4. Spend a day with her in Delifrance
5. Leave my swansong

Of all the things in my list, I only completed one, partially completed 3, and totally had no chance for one. Having a day out with my bestest friends is not as easy as it seems. For one, it's hard to find a day where all can meet, and for two, it's hard to say whether you have any best friends in the first place! Haha... But at least I accomplished it. A day out at the zoo. My most memorable event of the year, for I never knew that the zoo could be such a fun and amazing place when you're with great friends. Pity I didn't get the pictures.

Singing a duet is a very magical thing, something like two souls joining in a temporary union of melodies. It's highly emotional and enrapturing if you give your all to it. We never finished the song, for she never finished learning it. But the few lines we did sing took my breath away.

Co-authoring a story poem is another superb opportunity for 2 people to put their minds together, to share the most intimate of thoughts, the mixing and moulding of 2 people's dreams into something beautiful. We never got there. But it was because of that, that I wrote Autumn Leafs.

My swansong. A whole load of bad luck ensured that I didn't get to leave much. My banner ideas were thrown out the window when they scrapped the banner painting. My publicity event was naught because Family Day was cancelled. My epilogue poem didn't get into the book in time. So I left a limerick that would be erased, and a story that few would read. No indelible mark, but at least they once heard a whisper.

One of the things we always wanted to do, she and me, was to sit down in a cafe all day long and watch people go by. To enjoy a moment of peace and bliss in each other's company, and for once take a backseat as an audience in the theatre of life. Well, I guess the only thing close to this was our little 'conversation' in the corner house cafe.

And with that, a year of wants are shelved into next year's slots.


:: Sam 12:37 AM [+] ::
...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!

Haha... It's Christmas day and I woke up at 12.30pm, with no one in the house but me and my 6 yr old cousin. Was watching the Scrooge and the 3 ghosts of christmas, and strangely found myself tearing. Maybe it was because I was trying too hard to bluff my cousin, or maybe it really struck a cord with me, but I don't recall past encounters with this story being as emotional.

I guess somewhere along the way, I must have grew up and became a little bit like old Scrooge himself. Indeed, this year was fraught with so many could haves and maybes. So many times I wanted to do something, but failed to because I was afraid, because I let myself tell myself it's alright not to do it and somebody would do it anyway. Once in awhile I might have done something right, but many other memories are that of another's life I could have touched, another soul I may be able to lift.

Would you believe if I said I was generous at heart, with all the good intentions trapped in my neurons and synapses, but never firing them off as impulses to my limbs? But I think almost everyone is like that in a way. It is when you choose to come out of your shell to do what you thought of doing that makes you truly a person.

I dunno. I just hope to be a better person. It's Christmas and my birthday soon, and the one thing I wish for more than any pot of gold or some dreamy-eyed idea of my perfect love, is for courage to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do. To me, that is the most important thing in a person's life. That is true freedom, away from the chains of your heart.

Enjoy your Christmas people, and a Happy New Year!!


:: Sam 10:53 PM [+] ::
...

Yay! I'm rather excited now, haha... Ok, I know this sounds silly, but I'm going to have a mini birthday celebration!!

Yeah, in my sad sad sad life, the last time I had a proper birthday party was in primary 6. The rest of them were just simple cakes with mom and dad, no song and stuff. Or the occasional with cousins. All very small scale. Partly because my birthday is so near school term and most peeps are busy packing away anyways.

But tomorrow is different! It's early for once, and I get to invite a friend!! Alright, it's only one friend, but it's better than nothing. So allow me to be excited. Haha. Will I get a present? I reckon I haven't received a present in ages. Maybe last year was the only year in 6. Bah. Oh well. But I should be happy, birthday with my favourite cousin, my favourite auntie, and well, not exactly my favourite friend, but can do.

Tum tee tum. Ah. The simple joys of life.

And it's not my birthday yet. It's just an early celebration. =P


:: Sam 8:03 AM [+] ::
...

I bought a new phone today. 3100. RM748. I have no idea for the life of me whether that's expensive or not. But I feel half cheated, coz the only thing it has over my 8310 is color, otherwise, it lacks a hell lot of other things. I'll get over it I suppose.

Shopping for the phone with the kids was hell though. While I was trying to have a good look at the various models, one of them would be busy tugging on my shirt sleeve or my pants. Bleargh. Then I hafta entertain them with scissors paper stone while trying to listen to the salesman at the same time. How sweet. But at least it gave me something to do and a place to hide when my mom was busy wrangling with the salesman. When he tried to use me to gain ground, I'd just talk to the kids and pretend I was too occupied, haha...

Went for some symphonic band concert later on. Was so so la. 3 hours straight of sitting on hard plastic chair. What an ass-perience. Bleargh. First half was not as good, except for the sudden surprise of pulling an audience up to sing a song while the band played. Second half was great though. The japan-m'sia band was fantabulous! Lively music, solo plays, lotsa antics like dancing and whatnots. But in the end, all I wanted was to get out of there coz my arse hurts. So I guess it was just a fair rating.


:: Sam 8:47 AM [+] ::
...

Woah. I'm just starting to realise how challenging it is to take care of kids. Today had me growing to understand my role as a big brother even more. I guess I didn't really spend as much time with my cousins the last trip round, but also because now there's 2 of them to take care of. They are like super energetic!!

Spent half the afternoon staring at the older one trying to play Counter Strike. Let me emphasize *trying*. I was watching him walk around aimlessly and being slaughtered by bots. Even after teaching him, I doubt he'd understand much anyways. So a few hours flew by like that. How interesting. Bleargh. And I can't imagine how I looked during lunch earlier when I was holding one in each hand as we walked to the hawker centre. I hafta do large amounts of coaxing to make them eat, coz I'm the most influential among all there, being the only guy, and promises of me playing with them later is oft used as a bargaining chip by the adults.

At night, spent another half hour trying to get them to sleep. They just won't lie down! My. I wonder how their mother have the patience to see them through. But then again, I doubt they'd be bugging mommy incessantly to play with them. So there. Still, it kinda melts your heart when one of them starts kissing you all over and smiling that sweet innocent smile at ya. Sigh. Kids. I hate 'em and I love 'em. I dunno what to do with 'em.

Soon, I'll be a qualified nanny too. I'm looking for a job. Any takers?


:: Sam 8:55 AM [+] ::
...

Screw my paternal instincts, haha. It's one thing to be looking at somebody's civilised, well-behaved 8 year old, it's totally another thing to have a 6 year old and a 3 year old (I think) screaming at your side incessantly, shouting, 'Kor Kor, play with us.' Bleargh. Spent half of last night screaming with them. It's infectious I tell ya. At this rate, I'll soon be an overgrown baby myself. I woke up this morning talking to my mom with impatient baby temper. Urgh.

I just realised my aunt's place uses a 28.8K modem. Ouch. No wonder the connection here is so slow. Suddenly I regret ever saying anything bad about that cyber cafe in Penang, except for the heat. Oh well. Not like I can do much with 2 kids yelling their heads off beside me. Fortunately they still have school. Time out for me. But Sunday is a full day I guess. Sigh.

Read an interesting poem last night. Something about our corrupt love story. About our minds having too much influence from TV and whatnots, with all the fairytale stories of love. That is so true. And I remember the line from Man and Boy, "they don't write songs about what happens when a marriage goes wrong, they only write songs with happy endings" something to that flow... Heh. Maybe I should pull myself out of my little reverie world then? But alas, where would I be? Haha...


:: Sam 7:21 PM [+] ::
...

Reminiscence, Part I

LOVE II

In addition to a woman I love, there is a girl I love. The nature of it is different, of course. This girl was, for a while, my best friend. The best I ever had, and may well be the best I ever will have for quite some time. Hence, I had loved her as a friend. Why I choose to write this as love and not as friendship, was because I did love her as well, but the circumstances in which I loved her was different, and because I loved her so much I wanted her to be a friend, a buddy, not some short-lived modern day definition of a girlfriend.

You know, sometimes in life, somebody comes along that you seem to connect so easily to, like magic. She was one such person. We started off unique, without the common formalities of two strangers getting to know each other. The first day I called her was the start of a daily affair that only came to a halt when we fell apart. I never missed a single day of her voice. And in our electronic union of the souls, we exchanged our lives and our dreams. We created our own worlds of fantasy. Each conversation was concluded with sweet smiles on our faces, and that oh-so-beautiful sigh. Perhaps it was what that would lead to our fallout later. Unlike Amanda, my love for Wui was built on our relationship, that magical friendship and time we had together, instead of love for a beautiful someone. It was love of a more practical and ironically, more dreamy reality. Practical in that it was borne out of both of us, and not just one of us, but dreamy in that it thrived on what we dreamed of, not what we lived.

But in bliss, such things are seldom noticed. She was my confidante, and she gave me the happiest and most peaceful moments of my life for some time. Hearing her voice on the other side of the line simply made my heart lighter. It was like having some invisible hand massage me, loosening my tight muscles from a day of work, relaxing every part of my body. Such things are real hard to find nowadays.

Of course, in a world where reality is always knocking on the door, it's hard to hold on to make-believes. It's difficult to believe that a fantasy story of your life can be real. You just can't be happy forever in the real world. Sometimes, I hafta wish people would believe it's just that easy. Lock away all that false facades and suspicions, you have something that is so pure and so fundamental, something that every other human being can connect to. I guess somewhere along the way, one of us just woke up from our dream, refusing to believe it possible, and that's where things went downhill.

I'm just lamenting. I'll never know the real story, her side of the story. But suffice to say, wonderland is over. Still, I'm grateful, very grateful for the times we've had. And for once, the whole thing was nothing but pure happiness and joy, of the simple company of another understanding human being. The only lesson I have to take away is that sometimes, there's just no lesson at all, and nothing can be done about it.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Life can be beautiful. So let it be.


:: Sam 11:19 PM [+] ::
...

Oh ya. I just read Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. It's so my kind of book. Totally inspired to write a book. Actually, I was planning on one already, but this all the more encourages me.

Something's seriously wrong with my system. I'm barely 17, almost 18, and yet my paternal instincts are kicking in? Even before Man and Boy, I was already thinking about how I'd like my kids to be. During Man and Boy, I was like so identifying with him. After Man and Boy, well, I just started looking at every young kid and thinking how my kid would be. Sheesh. And I thought only women had that maternal thingy.

Too much fantasy in a make-believe world is bad for health. Pretty soon, I'll find myself walking up to babies and cooing. Ew...


:: Sam 10:39 PM [+] ::
...

Yay! It seems everytime I come back, there's something new to gripe about. My place is a bug paradise. At night, when the sun goes out and the light bulb comes on, the bugs come out to play and party. Gee. Just the other night, the whole ceiling was full of 'em!! Not that I'm afraid of bugs or whatever, but it's kinda irritating when you're trying to sleep, and every minute or so, another bug starts crawling on your leg or hand or body or head. Sigh. I should be glad I'm close to nature eh? Getting in touch with Mother Nature, where I belong. Yeah right.

Oh, and I'm getting pretty handy around the house. I helped my dad remove and fix a door, and suddenly I'm deshelling raw prawns too. At this rate, I can sign up for handyman + housemaid jobs. I just need to figure out how to cook something more decent than my mom, haha... Did I mention that Penang is a bloody food paradise? I did? Let me reiterate. I just had the best bowl of chendol in all my 17+ years of life. And that, is a long time, trust me. I should know. It costs one freaking ringgit for a large bowl that is strong in flavour, has gelatinous rice in it, and huge red beans. Basically, it beats anything you can get in S'pore or KL, both for price and taste. Ah, the perks of a backwater area.

By the way, anyone seen kampung houses on stilts? We've got some here. Not like it's anything new to me of course, but they're improvising. It used to be pure wood, now they got a bit of concrete around too... As foundation for the stilts. Interesting. Haha... Oh well, at least I'm going down to KL tom, then to Ipoh after that. Back to where the Internet is at my fingertips and 24/7. Where the bugs don't party and the food is bad. And where I can finally fix my phone or get a new one. Sigh... All my lost numbers. This is gonna hurt. Sobz...


:: Sam 10:25 PM [+] ::
...

Man, I suck at painting. And I'm seeing yellow everywhere I go... Spent about 2 hours with my dad today painting a 2.5 by 4.5m wall. Approximately that is, I'm lousy at estimating distances. Anyways, judging by the number of uneven patches on the wall, I pretty much can't make it, haha... Oh, and we're the only apartment painting the walls, as far as my eye can see. The rest all remain the same magnolia white! Sigh, what do I know, I'm just a kid. *Baa*

Right, so I guess it's not that bad being stuck on some ulu(read=isolated) island after all. I get to go to the beach, which is just *gasp* 7km away. I get to do handyman work like sawing and hammering and painting. Oh wait, I just watched as he hammered. Food here is cheap and good, no stomachaches so far. And since drive to town is an hour, every trip I get to listen to a free of charge, good old father to son lecture, which btw, ranges from driving is dangerous to computers are bad to driving is dangerous again. He loves repeating himself. Oh yeah, not to forget the family warmth. I get a free drama serial here. The constant heated arguments between my parents serve to turn up the temperature a notch. Ah, the familiar fuzzy feeling of family love eh? Heh.

That aside, my trusty 8310 has conked out on me. My buddy for 2 years or so, just suddenly died like that. No rhyme or reason. So now my only source of human connection is deprived from me too. Lovely. Now I hafta come to this hot place and pay money to use this junk. Not that I'm complaining or what, I should be thankful I'm not in a jungle. But coming from a techno age, where cybercafes sport loud sound blasters with state of art 3D graphics accelerators, hey man, I'm living in the stone ages...

Enough griping. Hope my phone returns soon enough, or I'll have to send for servicing.


:: Sam 11:02 PM [+] ::
...

Reminiscence, Part I

LOVE

There is only one woman I have ever come to truly love in my life so far, as much as love can mean to a person who has never experienced stronger emotions. She may not be pretty as far as pretty goes, but she's got the sweetest, homeliest look in the whole wide world. And she's gentle and loving, a caring angel sent down from heaven to lift me up. OK, I'm exaggerating, but you get the drift. She really is my angel after all. It would only be so apt to say she's once, twice, three times a lady, and I love you...

Haha... So it would be that life sometimes have strange lessons to teach, and strange ways of teaching. Her heart belongs to someone else. But I'll never forget those moments I spent with her, trying valiantly to capture her attention all but in vain. The letters I used to write, the little gifts I bought or made. It interesting how you can surprise yourself with your creativity when put to the test. More importantly, I'll never forget the rollercoaster rides of emotions, the anguish, the pain, the fear. The inexplicable rage and disappointment that wipes out all strands of logical thought, and shreds every last bit of practicality in me.

She turned my life around that night when she came to me and told me not to run away. She rejected my love as a lover, but embraced my love as a friend. She accepted every gift and understood my need for release. She did not turn me away when I needed her most, she merely set the boundaries. She was patient. And the thing that touched me most, she was not afraid. She was not afraid to know me, not afraid to spend time with me, not afraid to help me through the time I was going through. Gradually, I learnt to love her happily, I learnt to love her without needing her, I learnt to love her without desiring anything in return. And I still do love her.

She taught me the most important lesson in my life. Or rather, my time with her taught me. Expect nothing, and you shall not be disappointed. Give without expecting a return. Love with all you can love. Lessons now that I try to keep close to my heart.

And sometimes, it gives me strength. When I think about all those other people who have insulted me, and accused me of wrongs I disagree with, I think of her, and I remember that there is someone out there who stands with me. Someone who understands me truly, not just caring for me out of sympathy. I hope.

Anyways. Thanks for all that you have given me. Thank you.


:: Sam 9:16 PM [+] ::
...

Alright. Back home in Penang now. Ah, the memories it brings back. Not as bad as I expected. If you were listening to my dad, you'd have thought we were living in some squatters of sorts. I mean, 'living with everybody else' ?? What a way to put it. We just happened to stay in some low cost apartment. I'm happy with it, except that it's miles away from civilisation and the nearest cybercafe has no aircon, and uses self assembled antiques. Ouch. Not to mention I'm couped up here like a prison. Sigh.

End of year, end of school, end of phase of life. Typical time to do reflections. I shall then, and over the next few weeks, I'll try. In the mean time, I'd like to declare that I'm totally lost, coz I no longer wanna pursue a medical career to specialise in psychiatry, the road is waaay too long. My alternatives are pretty limited coz it's too late to do English, I need an A level English. Left with psychology or econs or philosophy or the like. I seem like a piece of flotsam drifting in the great big sea. Oh well. I puzzle on that later.

Right. Entry's a bit long already, but I suppose I can indulge. This is gonna be an essay man. Prom was great. Not all fantastic, but lovely nonetheless. The usual plunging necklines, sexy barebacks, tempting skirtlines, and classic suits. And I finally took a picture with Charlotte!!!!! Heh. My 1st 3 months crush. Whoops. Otherwise food was not all that great, programme was pretty dull, and one roll of film is simply not enough. Speaking of film, 2 dudes I knew lost their cameras on the way to prom, left it in the cab, while another dude went with nothing and walked home with a lucky draw 1st prize digicam. Some people just have all the luck. Good or otherwise.


:: Sam 8:55 PM [+] ::
...

This is it. Prom is over. Going home tomorrow. That's the end of my 6 year career in Singapore I guess. My future is now bleak and in a haze, with no sense of direction whatsoever. Let's hope a light will shine on my path.

Farewell people. See you all again next year.


:: Sam 10:04 AM [+] ::
...

I so totally love my cousin man!! Wahaha... Today went JB and walked the whole day searching for my dinner and dance clothing. She was so sweet to accompany me throughout, making comments and bringing me places. What would I have done without her, I dunno... She did all the thinking, I only did the wearing. Wait a minute, er, then I'm dressing to her taste? Hmm. Oh nevermind. Anyways, she's so nice, ever the big sister to me, haha.

Must thank Chee for waiting one hour for me today too... I forgot to take my passport, and only realised that upon reaching the Immigrations. How absent minded of me. Cab to and fro costs me 20 bucks. Lucky Chee waited for me with my things.

Today has just been a whole list of thankful events. Despite the misfortunes, I think I'm rather blessed, haha... Been smiling the whole day till my cheek muscles ache. Feels good to be around family eh? Haha...


:: Sam 4:55 AM [+] ::
...

Yeah man. I just lost the entry I was writing. What a piss off. I'm too lazy to rewrite.

Basically, I went to watch Matrix Revolutions alone, something I've never done before. Going to the movies alone that is.

I loved revolutions coz of it's theme of human belief, which I too hold dear to my heart.

There, summarised the whole lot of crap I was going to say earlier. Grrrr.

Hope, Love... are constructs of the human mind to make a life without purpose meaningful. But it is these beliefs, so complete and irrational they may be, that allow for the unpredictable to occur, and for everything to be possible.


:: Sam 5:22 AM [+] ::
...

This is waaaaaay long overdue, but EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER!!!!!!

Just came back from chalet yesterday. Got freaking high on alcohol. Pretty interesting experience it seems. We were drinking 40% vodka and I was red in the face like after the 2nd round. My eyes were bloodshot too. Felt light as a feather, but strangely very sober. Then when vodka was done, we got 2 black cats, also 40% alcohol, and finished it between 3 guys, when we were supposed to save 1 bottle for the next day. Became super-duper high, practically floating, but I could still walk straight and was quite aware of what's happening. Weird. Either I got a good beer belly, or what they say about being drunk ain't all that true.

But of course, the most memorable and interesting part of the evening was around 2 or 3 am when someone beside me woke up and puked. Barely missed me, but hit my pillow. They quickly carted him off to the toilet. Another guy followed suite and entered the toilet to puke. Me, the last of the 3 mad hatters, decided that maybe I should also empty the excess alcohol and joined them to puke. It's quite comical la, 3 guys puking in the toilet, one totally zonked out, one still on high and playing with the shower, and me, pretty much ok, fortunately. I shall not go into details on the rest, but suffice to say I'll be careful next time when I drink, since I puke even when not drunk.

Sigh. It's so uninteresting. Oh well. I gotta start packing, then I'm leaving this hell-hole forever. Finally. After 6 years. It's bittersweet. And I'm gonna miss a lot of friends, though it's contentious whether it'll be reciprocated, haha. Hafta get my stuff for Dinner and Dance too. Still not sure what to wear. Gotta go hunt.


:: Sam 10:50 PM [+] ::
...

Been playing the past few days, hardly studied for my papers. I'm like a broken record, but yeah, I'm so damn dead. I don't even have the will power to do a last minute prep already. What's going to happen to my future? Sobz...

You know, it's funny how sometimes we fool ourselves. We tell ourselves nice things, like I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna be able to do it. Or like there's someone out there waiting for me. C'mon. Get a life. It's just a sorry excuse to comfort yourself coz in reality, you're just not up to it, just not good enough. And it's real sad sometimes how reality just sucks. It's all right to live in your little fantasy make believe world and pretend that you're the king, but every now and then bits and snippets of the real world forces its way through and shatter the foundations of your dream world.

Like the son-of-a-bitch with a nice girlfriend. Or the cocky bastard with good grades. Or the miserly shithead with loads of cash.

Makes you wonder what the hell is going on in the world. Why can't you be like that too? It seems that all the suckers are the ones with the good life. And well, in a twisted kind of way, it makes it fair. Fair coz they are retarded and spastic, so they need the good things in life. While we are not. It's so much more easier to think of life as a wicked dramedy, with hope that the sad moralistic hero who sticks to his guns will finally triumph. Only that in real life there are no happy endings.

Why don't we just all lose our morals then? Be another asshole that pisses everyone to the core? Coz we're dumb, and we believe that there is some divine holy intervention that will judge us in the afterlife. Well, the intervention is slow to come, and I'm living my life right now, not later. It's really tempting to succumb. But of course, if you are riding the wave of success, congratulations buddy!! Just remember to be nice and easy about it when you're trampling on me ya? As for the rest, welcome to my world. Unfortunately, I'm just as likely to step on you to climb up, coz I'm just about as sick and evil as the rest of the world.

Sigh. That's life for you. Or rather, my life for you. A buncha nightmares that I really wish were nightmares. There is no justice for me, only eternal damnation. There are a lot of things I still do not understand. Like is it my fault if someone misunderstands me and ruins a perfectly fine friendship? Why do I have to be the one suffering the consequences? Questions with no answers. But I concur. The human mind is weak, and without a framework to support it, it will crumble and fall to bits. Hence we support it with dreams and fantasies.

I can only hope to wake up from this nightmare. Alive.

It is better to dream a dream than to live a nightmare. Just pray it never catches up with you.


:: Sam 6:42 AM [+] ::
...

Last leg already. 4 more papers to go, and the 2 most deadly yet. The S papers. Sigh.

Went to JB today, to meet my favourite cousin, yay! She's so skinny now. Met her bf too. Nice guy, though a bit quiet at times. Anyhow, I approve. Haha. But it really felt great. I haven't had someone I felt so relaxed about in a loooong time... Someone who I can rattle off without thinking, someone who'll just listen and laugh. And I haven't been able to entertain people in a looong time too. For once, I'm not talking about myself, and I'm actually making mildly amusing and interesting conversations, instead of my usual dreary and mundane ones. For once, I can actually make a good jest every now and to make someone laugh out loud. I'm feel so like myself again. And the best part? I'm rattling off in English, with minimal lapses or switches to Chinese.

Suddenly miss an all English speaking environment again. Miss the daydreams and what ifs we used to have, miss the verbal puns and witty arguments we used to have. Miss the simple playing around with the language. Somehow it doesn't feel as intimate when I'm speaking Chinese. Can't seem to manipulate it to the way I wanna use it. And I'm losing touch with English too. Sigh. I find myself a bore. Feel so uninteresting, haha.

Was travelling back alone. Feels abit weird, being in an unfamiliar place. I was almost scared for awhile. Been in my comfort zone for too long. Then while in the bus, I gave my sit up to a lady in her 50s or 60s. Feels weird too. Such a dilemma, coz she didn't seem all that old to me. It was simply to ease my guilt I guess, and I felt no pride in it. And the irony. Few moments later, I noticed an even older lady standing slightly ahead. Makes me wonder if I gave the sit up to the right person, not that I usually even give my seat up. I normally just stand to avoid the moral dilemma. But then again, if I'm standing, I should ask someone sitting to give the seat up right? That's what they teach us in civics. Fortunately, I'm not that altruistic. Me and my morals. I'm just another superficial moral altruists, just trying to appease my conscience. Lucky not everyone is like me, or the world would be even sadder than it already is.


:: Sam 2:53 AM [+] ::
...

Added another writing... It's an old one...

I'm losing my concentration for mugging again. Just can't wanting to distract myself. Even walking aimlessly around is better than facing the books. At this rate, I'm not gonna get anywhere.

Downloaded loads of Wierd Al Yankovic. Check the guy out. He's quite funny, especially for some of his music videos. I'm bored stiff la. Can't wait for all this to end. Just a week more. A week more...

And I don't wanna think about the moving nightmare after exams. Sheesh.


:: Sam 1:20 AM [+] ::
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What rating is your journal?
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Gee. Really.


:: Sam 8:09 PM [+] ::
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Fixed the archive link. Too lazy to fix the comments link. Might be moving anyways. Added a link, for my writings. Figured that maybe it might make me write more, haha. With sufficient practice, I might just improve! Whatever... =P


:: Sam 5:17 PM [+] ::
...

Listening to 3am piano acoustic now. Love that song. It's beautiful, though I don't exactly quite understand what it's about.

Dunno if this person visits my log, but just wanna say that just trust everyone anyway. It's naive, but I prefer to think that everyone's nice. And in a way they are, deep down. It just gets buried somewhere along the way beneath life's protective mechanisms. I still remember the story of eyes being the window to a person's soul. Of how you see who a person really is inside, stripped naked of all the layers built up over the years. That's why you smile when you see a baby, you smile to see another human being, only that this one's pure and untainted. Haha.

First leg of the exams are over. Too much recall work. Too straightforward. Not my kind of paper. I'm so gonna die. Maybe I really should sit down and mug the good old fashion method. I can't believe Bio was pure memory, no data analysis. Sigh. As always my policy, sad as it may sound, hope that somebody out there is doing worse than me.

I could really fall head over heels in love with love, if I'm not already. And beauty. Yeah. I love beautiful things. The way some people write. It's just makes you go 'siiiigh...' Reading some of the logs, it conjures up such beautiful images and sceneries. I feel as if I'm living my life through the window of somebody's eyes. The places written about form a vivid impression in my mind, and what's left I fill in with my imagination. It's so easy to slip into the life of another person, and experience the longings, the desires, the joys, the anguish, the fears, everything in the emotional cook pot. I so love people who write beautiful. Haha... Wish I could too...


:: Sam 4:57 AM [+] ::
...

In a desperate and somewhat futile attempt to bolster my word power as a last-ditch effort to ace GP, I shall pen a verbose and power packed entry. I hope. While it is not an absolute sine qua non that I possess an au fait grasp of vocabulary, it would still be a tour de force for me to accomplish such a task. After all, the raison d'etre of 6 years has culminate in an endgame of papers, a fait accompli determined by the higher powers. There is no harm to have a ephemeral and superflous knowledge that an otherwise philistine me would not possess. I would take joy in gloating at my friends in a didactic manner, hurling dogmatic and intransigient arguments that they are incapable of refuting. After some cursory research, a neither comprehensive nor eclectic word list has been generated. With luck, it will aid me in cajoling my markers that my essay is cogent and allow me a carte blanche in presenting avant-garde ideas, even with risque remarks. I will be the quintessence of a sudden language aficionado suceeding, vis-a-vis the common mugger stereotypes, to finally prove that I'm the de jure genius.

Haha. I ran out of new words. May add more later. Wonder if my grammar is correct.


:: Sam 1:52 AM [+] ::
...

Sometimes, it's real tough being a guy.

Read the article on the policeman convicted for having a girl perform consensual oral sex on him. How ridiculous is that? If you wanna charge, charge on the grounds of forced sexual acts! Charged for a consensual act that is rapidly gaining widespread acceptance in the world today is absolutely unfair. They might as well go tapping on every household and arresting all the married couples.

And the girl was not charged. She also comitted a crime of performing an 'unnatural act'. She should rot in prison with him for reporting something she agreed to. Bleargh. When asked who gets charged when a man performs oral sex on a woman, there was no answer from the authorities. Wonderful. That means everything gets blamed on the guy la?

It's so easy to be used as a weapon! A lawyer cited the example of her client, who got threathened by his spouse after she performed consenting oral on him and reported to the police. Even now, so many famous male figures are continually accused of rape and outrage of modesty, whether founded or otherwise. It's the woman's word against the man's. The system is skewed in the woman's favour. Judges who support the guy gets accused of sexism.

While I agree it's supposed to protect the woman's interest, and sometimes things are really in the grey, but still. I don't see laws springing up that allow men to charge women for seduction. The inherent assumption is that males are all after sex, but no one sees the subtle sex that females have employed throughout the ages. So much for inequality. I must applaud the 20th century feminists for their great sweeping victory.

Yeah yeah. I know. There are still so many instances of inequality of the sexes. Honestly, I don't believe in gender equality. Women can be allowed to compete in Olympics, but they cannot compete with men. It's just different. Let there be status equality, but please, somethings remain for men, some for women. We just have to learn to give and take.


:: Sam 9:43 PM [+] ::
...

Bleargh. Sudden wave of nostalgia. Was on friendster when I saw the 'Box' again. Sigh. Can't help feeling bittersweet when I see an entry there planning their next outing. Only that I'm no longer in it.

Sometimes I still wonder, what if? There are a million and one what ifs, and each what if leads to another. So there's no point. But I still ask. Just somebody gimme something new to think about? Somebody please pat me gently on the head and whisper soothingly into my ear that it's not my fault, that it's nobody's fault, it's just how things happen...

It's over. But I still can't get completely over it. Comes back to me every now and then. And all I can do is sigh.

Sigh.


:: Sam 7:45 AM [+] ::
...

Today was another fruitless attempt at studying. Ended up telling Nei my life story, haha. Somewhere along the way, I guess I just had to touch on love.

I suddenly realised how long it's been since I really thought of her. It's a weird kind of feeling. To be in love with someone, and yet not think of the person at all. Perhaps it's arguable that I'm not really in love. But that doesn't explain the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I do think of her, how that smile just slowly creeps its way along my face and forms on my lips, and how I just sigh in contentment at the beautiful thought of her. It doesn't explain how my heart skips a beat when I receive her messages, or my day lightens up when she greets me in school, or my desire to just bask in her angelic presence.

I miss her. I miss the days I spent trying to draw her attention, finding excuses to spent time with her under the guise of group study. I miss talking to her on the phone about life and philosophy, and whining about my troubles. I miss her soft perfume, the familiar smell that wafted ahead announcing her arrival. I miss just having her around me. I miss anything and everything about her.

After such a long time. It feels like a parched man realising he's thirsty, and desperately digging the sands for a last drop of moisture. And with each tiny droplet found, its sweetness electrifies the senses like the nectar of life, bringing back feeling to an otherwise fading sensation...

I still love you gal, haha. I'll see you soon after the 'A's...


:: Sam 7:24 AM [+] ::
...

One word: Devastation.

Sigh. Future is bleak now. I just wonderfully ruined the best opportunity in my life. You could say it's a learning point, only that this lesson already knocked on my door earlier this year. Bygones be bygones then. I'm doomed to eternal mediocrity. Amen.


:: Sam 3:51 AM [+] ::
...

Gee. I realised this place is ancient. I need a change of layout. I need to fix my comments. I need to repair my archives.

Last night was my last formal dinner. After 6 yrs, and that's 24 dinners assuming I didn't miss any, which I sincerely doubt I would, it finally is over. Like the farewell assembly marks the end of JC life, the formal dinner marks the end of my boarding life. Sigh. Humans are funny. You never really miss anything until it's over. And you always compare everything to the past and say it's better.

Last night, singing performances by Sally, hip hop dances by the guys, poor imitation hip hop dances by the gals, more singing, more dancing, instrumentals, and every other formal dinner performance I have ever watched flashed through my mind. And things have come a long way then. I remember my company then, the fixed seatings and random arrangements, the time I first cast eyes on my fav lit teacher, the time I had an awkward dinner with Rachel, the time I was the life of the table, the times I spent with Dan and Rio and Horn, and DJ and gang. Every dinner is different, in some way or the other. Sometimes it's a horrid experience I just wanna get over and done with, sometimes it's so enjoyable I wished it'd never end.

Last night, I sat quietly and just pondered. The performances have improved again, after a dip I thought would never recover. The PRCs are rapidly taking over and will soon become the new life of boarding, once they throw away their mugger impressions. I think they will soon, the new batches are getting more modern and hip. Next you know, they'll bring back hip hop dancing. Or better yet, breakdancing. Now it's free seating. The company feels... so different. Back then, I spoke English to everyone, and half the people couldn't speak Chinese anyway. The things we talked about were different, more... my taste. Now, it's Chinese. Almost everyone speaks Chinese, except the Indons.

If you ask me, I think I've failed miserably. We've failed miserably. We used to be the life of boarding. The M'sians were the funnest batch of people to be around with. We'd sing songs in the courtyard, mass gatherings and chit chats. We'd go to the dining hall in groups and talk loudly over the dining tables. We'd jest and pull pranks on one another. There was just more activities then. After the seniors left, it just seemed to spiral down hill. Guess there wasn't anyone to hold us together anymore. Us 3 should have taken the lead then, being most senior, but one was too engrossed in school life, the other trying hard to shy from limelight when he was the star, and me, I somehow shrank into my shell of anti-socialness.

Then they all left, every one but me. I should have taken the lead again, and I tried. But the new group were well bonded, and I was an outsider, who spoke English. Mayhap I still carry too much of the past around me, and I cannot see a different kind of life present now. Maybe I just miss being part of all the excitement and attention. I feel like a relic, old, unable to connect to the rest of the world. Bleargh. I guess of the 3 of us, I was the one who didn't follow my dreams and betrayed myself. RJ, TJ, AJ. And I guess I choosed not to fit in.

Haha... It's all over. After I finish this chapter, no, volume of my life, a new one wil be written. I will start fresh again, with a clean sheet. As long as I take care not to soil it this time. The finale is over. The curtains have already drawn close. Now, we wait, for the final act. The epilogue.


:: Sam 9:00 PM [+] ::
...

Sigh. Sometimes I really hate the male ego.

Went to play pool just now. And somebody who was evidently more skilled in me in terms of theory and etc, was peeved coz I beat him all 5 games the last time we played. So he set his target to thrash me 5 balls to nil. Ouch. So insulting man. And says it's so possible coz I suck. Oh well. Perhaps I gloated too much at him. Eventually after 5 attempts, yeah, he thrashed me. 6 nil. Gee. I'm still not sure it's becoz I gave it to him or what, but I simply lost the mood to play when he stops giving me advice for my shots and all, and chooses to mock me with the 'you're better than me' thing.

Yeah. I don't like losing either, nobody does. But does he have to take it that far? He was practically tight lipped about everything! Then where's the challenge of thrashing me? And just becoz I'm a self-taught player without the rule book techniques, doesn't make me less a player. I'm not superbly good, but I'm above average, especially when I'm on form. Blargh. Don't really feel like bitching about it now. Just that it terribly reminds me of Daniel. Sore loser. I hate sore losers.

After thrashing me 6 nil, he started cheering up again and resumed talking. Sometimes I wonder, what's it worth man? Well, I could have lost to him early on too, just that I didn't coz it was against my own pride. Haha. Pride versus pride. How dumb. Sigh. Life.


:: Sam 7:06 AM [+] ::
...

And zhimin. If you see this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I blew my top at you the other day. It's just that sometimes you remind me so strongly of myself that it scares me. No offense, but it's the part of me I don't like, the part that I wanna slap wide awake and tell it to buck up. Don't get me wrong, I like your ideals, and mine, but they just can't possibly work on everyone. And I don't think I wanna keep on pondering on such things that only makes life more miserable. I wanna be happy, always. Sometimes I succeed, most times I don't. But at least I'm trying. I believe you are too. Haha. Dunno if what I'm saying makes any sense or is relevant to you or not. Just that in life, there's no black or white, just shades of grey. And most people suck in one way or another, and they disappoint you all the time. But you gotta decide, whether you wanna keep looking at all their faults, or you wanna look for what's good in them. If you really can't find anything good, then let go of them. I'd like to believe everyone is nice at heart, and that's what I live by. Expect nothing, and you will receive no disappointments. Hope that helps?


:: Sam 9:33 PM [+] ::
...

Sigh. I'm in a dreamy mood again. It always happens when you've got too much time to yourself and you don't wanna do anything but daydream and look at pictures. I read somewhere once of the phrase, 'falling in love with love'. That's me. I'm head over heels in love with love.

And it's really sad. It blinds you to everything else. You have so much love around you (or so they say, I don't see any of mine around), and you never for once noticed, taking it for granted, only desiring your perfect love, the concept of love you fell in love with. I crave love, the ideal of love, and sometimes it consumes me so much that I just want love from anyone or anything. It amazes me what that desire and craving can make you do, all the stupid and unimaginable antics that only serve to push you further away from that ideal. But it's just that, an ideal, something abstract, something that will never reciprocate and love me back.

What about parental love? What about friend love? What about all the other little little love that surrounds you? Honestly, if I felt it, I wouldn't be craving love now, would I? Yeah. Who really made me feel loved anyway? My sweet darling Champagne, perhaps. That's what I love about dogs. They're made to love. But she's gone now. My parents are miles away, and even if I were at home with them, there is just no bond, what with their constant disagreements. There is no peace. Friends? Gee. What friends?

It's hard to fit into any niche. I used to try to find that ideal love. I realised it doesn't work that way, and found something else that satisfied me. Friendship. But even that now eludes my grasp. People have formed cliques of their own that I find it so hard to break into. The rare moments I do, I'm kicked out of it, fast. Maybe I'm mixing with the wrong company? Sigh. But how can one whole school be considered wrong company? And it eats into me. I daren't make too close a friend with any other new people, coz if I do, I'll be close for awhile, and I'll lose them again. That's what always happens. What happened to that childhood ideal of a best friend? The shadow of old Nicholas still haunts me. Do I miss you? No. But I miss having a friend like you. Yeah, and Jeremy and Justin, pals I let go just like that coz of my stupidity and naive thinking.

The world has no nobility anymore. Gone were the days when a friend would sacrifice everything for you, and you would gladly do so in turn. Perhaps it's just much harder to get that close. I guess it also makes you weak. I'm prone to such sudden attacks of going an extra mile for people I'm not all that close to, sudden impulses of niceness, and all I get are suspicious looks. It don't get you nowhere. I'd rather watch in silence and let my heart ache for not being able to walk forward and help. Simply because an acquaintance offering assistance has ulterior motives, and only a chum can offer pure-hearted intentions. I think I still live in my kindergarden days. I never quite got over it.

You know, sometimes I think blogs are detrimental to health. Yeah, it's an outlet for you, but it's also a window to other people's lifes. And when you look into those windows, you can get so jealous and envious of the things they have. They have such a rich life, with shoulders to cry on, loves to live for, friends to die for. I walk my walk alone. Of course, there are those who wallow in the same self-pity as me, which you find the desire to reach out and hold, and say hey, I'm here for you, only that you can't, coz your the path of your lifes do not cross. For the same reason that I will only have friends who care for me for a season, and disappear out of my life a little while later. Simply because they have their own life too, and I'm not in it.

Oh well. It's ironic isn't it? Knowing all these but being unable to pull myself out of it. It's sad. I'm just looking at my bedsheet and I notice the guy has 6 fingers. Maybe one day I'll notice something else. Won't somebody send me an Angel from heaven to slap me wide awake so that I can appreciate my life? Or is there really nothing left in my life for me to appreciate? I live for myself and myself alone, for now, and forever. I hope one day I'll find something else worth living for.


:: Sam 9:06 PM [+] ::
...

The music hits the highest note, as the players turn to face each other. Holding the parcel in her hand, she looks across the invisible wall, and whispers, "Thank you for everything." He looks at her with a sad smile, and nodded. The lights darken and she steps backwards, slowly slipping away from his sight, as the music softens to a slow melancholy. He turns gently around and bows, as the music reaches its final note, and it lingers in the air awhile longer, while the curtain begin its descent. The crowd goes wild with cheers and applause.

So that is it. It concludes. Dunno to be happy or not, but guess I should. At least there was a thank you. It ended perfectly, in true sad drama spirit, haha. Not too cold, but not very warm either. Should just make do with what I get. After all, if you look on it positively and it ends this way, it could be said that there was redemption. Bleargh.

Took quite a number of photos today. But particularly with 1 person I've always wanted to take with a long time, though the pic turns out to be not very nice, because of me as usual. I'm such a lousy poser in front of the camera. Oh well. It's not me that's important. Dinner with class later tonight. Not sure if I should go. I should, it's our 2nd last outing, there's chalet. Otherwise, we probably won't ever see each other again, knowing them. It's kinda bittersweet. Strange how everybody gets warmer all of a sudden towards the end. Pity J1s weren't around to snap pics with. Another day la ya.

Right. A levels now. Full steam ahead! Must not repeat my prelim tragedy.


:: Sam 1:40 AM [+] ::
...

The ball has been set into motion. My not-so-grand finale. Haha. Tomorrow will be farewell. I wonder how the story will end. Predictably, it'll end predictably. Sigh. But there's always a minor chance that it will be unpredictable, and that's my hope.

Hey Rou, thanks for the help ya? Really appreciate it, especially when you're so busy these few days with stuff, but still willing to help me with my whims. As they say, ganbatte ya!

Today, there was a mini farewell speech for a teacher who was leaving. Reminds me of my stepping down. I remember standing up there looking down at all those people that I was sworn to serve. I suddenly realised how many people there were. I wondered how many really care or appreciated, how many were even listening to Haun's last words, and how many really loved us? Expected the applause to be polite, necessarily there, but soft, barely audible, and quick to subside.

Imagine my surprise when the applause started. Everyone clapped. Everyone. And they kept on at it for a long while, getting even louder when we stepped forward to bow. Maybe it just sounds louder when you're up there, or maybe when you want to hear it loud, that's what you get. Regardless. The applause was touching. It surpassed everything I had ever expected, surpassed everything I ever wanted. For a second, I felt as though I really did something worth being proud of. For a moment, I was proud to wear my badge and stand up there. For a while, I stood tall and confident.

Thinking back on that, I clapped for her. Clapped as loudly as I could, till my hands ached. Although I disliked her so strongly, but she was leaving, and somewhere in between, she must have done a lot, and put in her effort to do what she thought was best. She must feel proud to hear the applause too. She must feel happy that everything was not in vain. So I clapped.

Tomorrow is farewell assembly. Will the little audience in the back of my mind clap too? Will they applaud me for a plot well acted, a game well played? Will I step down from the stage, head high, beaming with pride? There will be no grand ceremonies tomorrow, no pompous finale, as the curtains draw to a close. But it takes one person, just one, any one, and I would have won my Academy.

Hope. That's all I can do. Hope that somehow, miraculously, I would have unwittingly done something special and moved one of my audience in this long play of mine.


:: Sam 5:03 AM [+] ::
...

Sigh. Chem prac today screwed up big time! Contamination of chemicals again somewhere along the way. The exact same prob as mid-yr pracs! I simply don't understand what went wrong. Din finish the paper either. It's my A levels already!!! Gotta buck up boy. Gotta get that fat lazy ass out of bed and mug hard for the main papers. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

Totally broke now too. Idiotic me spent a whopping 25 on somebody's present. Which idiot will buy such an expensive gift for a gal who dun even talk to him no more, and is already happily attached? Unless he is madly in love with her. Prob is, I'm not! I don't even care about her and I'm never gonna see her again in my life! If I were, I think still can condone la. Sigh again.

I'm just such a sucker sometimes. Stickler for dramas and stuff. So end also must end with a bang. Just hate stories that fade away. But in the end it still does. Some things should have been forgotten a long time ago, yet I hold on strongly to the memories and try to end this imaginary story with a final gift, a final whisper, and a hope for redemption. Or at least to leave a mark.

Will it work? Is it worth that much? It's more than just money spent here. It's countless hours of thoughts and efforts, and deep down I know I won't even scratch her surface. I dunno why I still try. Haha. And she's probably lucky. I don't usually buy gifts for pple. When I do, I'm more concentrated on the item, and free with the money.

Hey, so don't curse me if I don't buy you a present ya? When your turn finally comes, rest assured it won't be disappointing! Hehe.

Disclaimer: I'm poor, and hanging by a few dollars left to last the year. 25 IS a large sum to me. That's 10 days worth of lunch. =P


:: Sam 3:47 AM [+] ::
...

Whoops. Big whoops. Looks like I'll hafta eat, no, swallow my words from yesterday. I got a merit award! Right. My first impulse is to goad the rest with who did not. But in between my incessant goading, I can't help but feel it's totally unfair! Yeah, yesterday I was wailing for one, and now I'm saying I shouldn't get one. But no, really, of course I wanna keep my award, but one only thinks on a full stomach what.

Do I deserve it? Yes and no. Yes for all the things I've done in black and white, and skillfully get my name printed in various events and certificates. But really, how many people actually know I exist? Few I believe. No for all the times those other more deserving people have put in blood and sweat way beyond me, but have gone unregistered in black and white coz that's extra, off the record work. While I disagree with the extra effort, I still believe they deserve something for that.

So here I am, a sneaky, unpopular idiot grinning with a merit, while out there, noble albeit semi-dim witted people get commendations or less. Yeah, I know they're just nice and kind people who are absolutely lovely to have around, and help to ease a lot of stuff, but I'm a cynical person. Help only those who need and deserve help. If you be nice and help everyone, you're gonna be taken advantage of. Oh well. But I admit these kinda people make for touching stories when they help those that everyone else abandons and in the end turn the lost ones around.

Sigh. What a wonderful world. It's so bloody unfair. Once again it's the crafty and unscrupulous that win the day. Not saying that I'm all that much of course. But notice how crooks and criminals rule the world? And how the rich ass guys often employ underhand means and stuff? And how recognition always goes to the one who does the least work? It's the matter of playing the right cards at the right time. And integrity has got nothing to do with it. Of course, the good guys may ultimately sit on the top, but in the meantime, right below them, are swarms of bad guys enjoying life and laughing at the average honest to goodness peeps.

Did I make any sense? Or am I rambling again? I think I kinda skewed my logic somewhere along the way. Haha. Anyways, I salute you peeps. You have my respect.


:: Sam 8:11 AM [+] ::
...

Sigh. So the final score is confirmed and keyed in. And I had two 59s!! How infuriating! Oh hell. I really suck big time this time around. Everyone supercedes me already. Failure manz. What to do.

Heard the merit awards etc going out already. And I dun get one. Sobz. K la, I know I dun exactly deserve one, but hey, at least gimme a commendation la! I did put in work too kayz. Just that I have a bad reputation, and the innate ability to go unnoticed in everything I do. But nah, I'm not sore about it la, you reap what you sow. My fault for my lousy PR anyway.

Remembered in sec skool I was prob the only CCA head who din get his service award too. Sho sad. I'm always like figurehead. But I really really did do something for the club kayz. At least more than any of the other members. I know I dun shine coz I'm a lazy person, but effort is still effort! That one, I'm abit unhappy about. That's life.

Gives me a feeling that all my accolades, all my achievements, are hollow, fake. Like not really exist except on paper. Looks impressive in ink, but when you ask around, nobody can say much for me. Yeah. That means I'm one hell of a master slacker and a con-artist. Somehow I don't take too much pride in that. Dammit. Since when did working hard and stupidly become more important than working smart, and doing the right things at the right time? Argh. People just dun get it.

Screw. Just wondering why people work their asses off. Coz they enjoy it. I'm just a low-lifer who got lucky. I prefer to stay in my hidey hole, so dun come shining the limelight on me please. Thank you.

Hey... Come to think about it. I really sound sore dun I? Haha... But seriously, I'm not. Just that some people out there deserve a merit more than others. I dun really know who's got it yet, but I do know of 2 who deserve it but got commendations instead. But yeah, I can't help wanting one. Makes my records more impressive dun it? Hehe...


:: Sam 6:04 AM [+] ::
...

Ouch. Even as I'm sitting down typing this, my ass is hurting. Decided to lie down instead. Sigh. Today was totally moronic of me.

PE this morning. We got to play games the full 2 periods instead of some stupid dance. Was so happy, yeah! Wanted to play soccer but my shoes were highly permeable to water. Then dunno who suggested badminton and the whole class went to play instead. So weird. My whole class guys+gals in MPH lor. For once got a bit of unity, even if coincidental, haha...

Right, and me so long neva play badminton liao, was abit on the high, jumping up and down like monkey, making all sorts of weird noises and gestures, like a total idiot. Actually quite rusty, missed quite a lot of shots. Anyways, while I was jumping up down left right, trying to look professional, my feet strangely decided to trip over my shoes. What happened next was pretty amazing to me. I ran backwards for like ten steps trying to catch my balance, and I couldn't for the life of me stand up. With one hand holding a racket, I can't rightly slam my hand down to catch myself either. So I continued to run backwards in a half squat kinda position. Finally, gravity won the battle and I fell right smack on my ass. Damn farnie actually, but damn painful oso. Not too bad la, at least didn't fall down immediately. So clumsy of me.

Tomfoolery aside, I think I still haven't gotten used to footwear. I've only gotten used to catching and breaking my falls in footwear. Notice how you never ever fall when barefeet? At least not for me. The bare soles are much better at feeling and grasping the ground than any shoes. Plus you have toes to help. Haha. Dunno la. Took off my shoes in the end anyways. Then we played doubles and my team won! Yeah, so happy! Wahaha...

Grades-wise, sux0r. B for Chem instead of A, C for Phy instead of B. Shitty. My dream of ABBC didn't come true after all. Sho sad. Oh well. Bio's B as well. Heard they moderating Phy. Even if they do, BBBB still sucks. Big time. Argh. I'm so tempted to be lulled into a false sense of security that I'm not the only one with such grades. But the danger is exactly because of that! Everyone's catching up! Not that that's no good, but it means I'm stagnant! Sigh.

Came back in the rain just now. Socks still got soaked wet. Hate wet socks. Lost my fav sock last night too. Dumb. I hate this.


:: Sam 11:56 PM [+] ::
...

I saw her from the corner of my eye, a haunting shadow from my past. As my head continue to turn, our eyes met, briefly, and moved on, as though searching for something else. It is not her nature to be forward, nor is it mine, and so like ghosts we ignore. Yet we both knew.

Time flies eh? And things change. I'm graduating soon. Somehow I feel no regret nor sadness at leaving this school. Not my first love anyway. But still, I am grateful for the opportunities gained that I would find nowhere else. How quaint that my farewell assembly falls on a certain someone's birthday. Starts and ends with you eh? Haha.

Right. Was talking to Sum at Mos burger today, offering some counselling advice on career and studies(me?!) when I observed this young couple. Hmm, ok, maybe not counsel, just chatting and helping one think aloud. But that's not the main point. As I was saying, the aforementioned couple were doing 'interesting' things under the table! Haha! The guy had his hand on her thigh, and was slowly pushing it up her pants!

I know it's rude to look, but hey, they can't be older than Sec 2 or 3, and the girl was really pretty. She also happened to be squirming and laughing alot, and trying to stop his hand from going any further, which was what attracted my attention in the 1st place. Then she saw me looking, and I looked away. Think she must have mentioned to her boyfriend, coz next moment I looked, they were just holding hands under the table like a shy innocent couple. Yeah right.

What's with kids these days? I still remember that Sec1/2 couple kissing in the train! Ew, gross! I think maybe I'm just getting a little old-fashioned here, but doncha think they're abit too young? Actually, that gal kinda reminds me of her. Whoops. Maybe it's the same gal grew up. Nah, Singapore ain't that small I hope. No, I saw both events this year, so can't be. Gee, I feel like an anachronism when I look at them. Hehe.

Western cultures sure take a swift and strong foothold, or I'm just way behind my time. Either way, I don't feel like saying much except shaking my head... Haha...


:: Sam 2:03 AM [+] ::
...

Sometimes, I just dunno whethere to laugh or to cry.

I got my Bio Prac yest, and I was so damn happy I passed!! I expected to fail for screwing up my concepts, but I passed! Then upon closer inspection, I realised I'd pass anyway even if I got those parts wrong, so hell yeah. Big deal. But I passed.

Math today. Secured the first grade in my dream. B. The dream was ABBC. So which will be A, which will be C? Interesting... Haha... And since when did I believe in dreams and portent omens...

Hit the greatest career crisis last night. For one moment I was like totally lost, oscillating between Med and PPE. Spent the morning meditating on it and I realised that I was panicking abit too much last night. Well, could say that my faith was shaken. It's not the first time. But kinda reinstalled liao. Med first no matter what, cannot only see how. It's running away from the problem in a sense, but at least it saves me from my current headache.

Yeah, and Keas, you really slapped me awake. For one moment I totally forgot I'm the senior and you the junior. Though I don't really hold such relations to heart. But still. I almost at one point believed you the mentor, and I the pupil. Wouldn't you say I'm such a nice and lovable student? Hehe. Niwaez, it's clear now. I'm the elder and you the junior, so know your place! Just kiddin. ;P

J1 promos in 3 days time. All the best to you people. Don't think, just mug! Jia you ya! Haha...


:: Sam 3:52 AM [+] ::
...

Realised I've been blogging quite piously recently, haha...

Strange how quickly a person adapts and gets used to any situation upon repeated exposure. By now, day 3, I have no strength left to feel remorse, sorrow, or angst at my grades. I can only sigh and shake my head in silent acceptance of what is and what not. Heard something nice though. Megan gave me all As prediction despite knowing I'd screw up for prelims. I dunno whether to thank her for her confidence, or to chide her for her adamance in claiming of my capabilities, not that it is my place to do so.

Suddenly whisked to a crossroads last night. Keas suggested PPE to me, that's Politics, Philosophy, and Economics. And honestly, it sounds good. Faster, cheaper, easier to get scholarships. I really dunno. Sudden crisis. The subjects also appeal strongly to me, especially philosophy, something I've been eyeing for a long time now. Sigh. See how. Just found out to my horrors that it supposedly exists as a subject combi only in Oxford, and by my own research, Durham. Die. Haha.

Was reading Plato's Republic I last night, of Socrates' dialogues. Really interesting. The guy as a tongue of a snake, easily twisting a person's reason against him. No wonder people got irritated with him. But he's good, his own reason and logic is very sound, and he must really be a fast thinker, or have thought through all the ideas long ago way before hand and formed his own judgements. He can undermine the opponents argument so simply, pulling the fella's carpet from underneath him, and the poor fella can only watch. I still think some of his arguments are flawed though, but since I was speed reading, can't really say much.

Sigh. What will I do now? Where will my path go? Haha... Come what may...


:: Sam 1:18 AM [+] ::
...

Bleargh. I'm semi sick. Was sneezing the whole way to skool today. Then had a couple more bouts of sneezing fits in skool. Hate it manz. And I had been resting well! Even slept early last night at 11 plus! So unfair. Gee, and strangely I didn't fall sick during exam period when I slept so lil...

Today was yet another dreadful day. GP put me right down into the ground, and Chem prac covered the hole. I haven't seen the light of any 70 yet! Shit. At least let me score one A and a few Bs if I'm gonna get an E for Bio... Sigh. And no, just because you did worse than me and you tell me that, it ain't gonna make no diff. Somebody's always higher, and somebody's always lower. I just don't like hanging on the lower end. ARgh!?

Saw Can today. Poor gal, hopping around on one foot. I had thought she would be able to walk 1st. Do you know it's bad to hop around like that? You can cause vibrations to your other leg and injure it, and if you don't hop properly, you will hurt your ok leg too. Should use crutches la, or don't come skool. But guess seeing all your friends more than makes up for it eh? Anyways, better take care of it and don't let it worsen again. Even if you thing you can walk gingerly, don't. May hurt what's healing. Oh well, I'm not the doctor, you should know your leg best. ;P

Kinda reminds me of Ting and the time he broke his leg. Had to go around in crutches. And I tell ya, a walk from classrooms to canteen in my skool ain't short. I think it's about AJ end to end. Or slightly less. Bad at estimations, haha. Yups. But it took about 10-15 min to get him from canteen back to class. Poor fella got tired of the crutches, and we raced on one leg hopping back to class instead. Playing these things in primary skool really help, hehe. Wonder how he's doing in Aussie now. Some rich kids just have it going for them. Maybe he'll let me stay over again this year, haha. His parents prob sick of seeing me liao.

Yen Pin idiot too. When he 1st sprained his leg, ooh, the bloody fanmail, haha. Mr. Para para King. Gee. Then when he broke his leg later, wah, celebrity liao. But quite fun la, walking around with a lame guy and his crutches, entertaining his well wishers and helping him out. Am I destined for nursehood instead of doctorship(?) ? Where's he now, I cannot remember, but bet he's probably enjoying life while we suckers rot here. Lucky ass.

Sigh. Right. Nostalgia. I'm reaching the end of my road too. After this it's a new journey once over. Better end this with a bang. I hope.


:: Sam 12:43 AM [+] ::
...

I feel... defeated. There's no other way to put it. Every battle I have fought, I have either won, or drawn. If I had to retreat, it was with the knowing I had yet to put up my best fight, and that I would be back again.

Yet, this battle I have lost, totally and completely. I feel the pain of my battle wounds and the casualties. I feel the shame of a veteran general admitting his fall. Never have I felt so bitter the taste of defeat.

Perhaps the tricks of this old dog no longer works. His techniques are grown old and rusty, no longer the swift, polished strikes they once were. Senile.

Sigh. I'm devastated. Really. There's always the next battle, but to think I put up a perfect fight. It despairs me. Every little thing I've learnt since my younger days were put to use, every ounce of mental strength harnessed. Have I reached my limits?

There is one distraction. Sigh. I cannot break my addiction to the computer. It beckons to me like a siren.

Guess I'll just hafta work doubly hard. My talent has long expired and it's time to put in some good old fashion hardwork. Oh well.

Realised I have a habit of overdoing things today. It's not the first time I noticed, of course, but I overdid something again today. That's probably why they say I'm always trying too hard. Either I overdo it, or I underdo it. I don't seem to understand the word moderation.

Dunno what's the damages incurred this time. But screw it. I have more papers to come tomorrow.

Somebody help me.


:: Sam 2:42 AM [+] ::
...

Sigh. I'm in love. Again. Or for the purists, I have a tremendous crush, coz how can you love someone you don't know much about? Haha... I know, I know, so get over it already. Let some poor fool day-dream abit.

She's lovely. Really really lovely. I suppose it's my atavistic nature to love all things beautiful, and her pulchritude by far exceeds any I've seen, in a long long time. Like a moth to a flame she draws me, and yet the heat singes my wings before I'm even close. I crawl about in the light of her light, in the warmth of her flame, but I cannot approach even if it is to burn myself in her fire.

I resisted it once. I walked away. Healed my wings, and told myself the dangers of a flame. I hardened my resolve and shut her out. But then comes again the darkest night, in which the flame most brightly burns, and the moth is drawn to it once again. Inexorably, inexplicably. The beauty of it is inescapable, a gentle lull of a trap to tantalising to resist.

Beautiful words, and beautiful thoughts. Line after line reaches out and wraps around me, enveloping me in chains I do not wish to break free. Ah... Her beauty shines like a beacon, searing me like a firewhip lashed around me, and the pain is a sweet addiction. I am torn. Desire and determination fight a fierce battle. I will not be tempted.

If she could for one moment see what I see, would she be shaken? If she were real for each illusion I had imagined, would she be swayed? And If I never set eyes on her beauty again, would I be moved?

Sigh. I am going nuts. Thanks anyways. Better to have seen the flame and felt its delicious pain, then to have live in darkness not knowing what delirium was.

As for other things. School starts tomorrow. I dread the return of papers. So gonna die manz.

Been trying to be nice to some nice people. But dunno if I came across as well meant. I think I overdid it as usual. Well, hey, I tried! Shouldn't think so much about what people think my intentions are, but just do what I feel is right. If they misconstrue it, that's just too bad... Whatever.


:: Sam 1:40 AM [+] ::
...

I realised I can be pretty absent-minded sometimes, especially when I'm thinking about things. Can't multi-task much, haha... And something's been occupying my mind lately, theology and christianity in particular, revived last night again no thanks to darling Keas. Got so blur that I was the only one in hall who forgot to keep handphone outside, and forgot to buy someone's lunch.

My fundamental point of contention is why must there be the only one and true god? Can't all roads lead to Rome? Why must there be a single doctrine? I can probably answer all those questions from their perspective, but I'm not convinced by those answers. Or refuse to believe that such a god can exist or should. I embrace all, believe that every religion is a manifestation of god in different forms, to cross all cultures, omniscient, present to even those lost. I believe the general, but not the specifics.

Like a well cut diamond, there are so many facets and angles of admiring its beauty, surely there is more than one way to look at god? Bible is perfect (I give that assumption), but man who interprets it is not. Each prophet, or whatever you call it, interprets it differently, and deviation is necessary, even good. So why reject? Nobody knows who is false, nobody knows who is true, so to each his own. But then again, I guess if that's ok, I will have to accept that their religion calls that they save those who is considered lost by their religion. Which I do. Just that... Convince me, break my reason, and I'm all yours.

Perhaps break would be inappropriate. Answer my questions. I'm not an atheist who denies god, I merely wish to keep my mind open. I do not attack, so I cannot be countered. I only ask, so answer me, satisfy my doubts. There is desire in me to know why is a religion so possibly narrow-minded, or if I'm mistaken on that, then why seemingly so?

The only apparent conclusion that I can gather, that does nothing to satisfy, but merely serves to irk me and frustrate me, is faith. Faith is the root of this unanswerable questions. Faith that each man believes the gospel truth, untainted, while the rest are in some way misguided. But turn that chessboard around. We reach an uncompromisable situation. How can there be any solution if two extremes hold steadfast to their beliefs? Worse, this is not a situation of two extremes, but rather a spectrum of uncompromisable stands.

Faith serves as a form of rationalisation. Anything can be rationalised away with faith. They have faith in their god, and in turn he performs miracles for them. I have faith in my god, and in turn, my poor demented mind performs miracles for me. Any mishaps is rationalised as a test. Perhaps the example illustrated is rather narrow in scope, but the bottomline is faith is powerful.

Likewise, my faith is strong too. Faith in what? Faith in a god that I created out of nothingness, faith in my beliefs and my thoughts. Faith in my infallible neo-reasoning that incorporates faith and logic, and plain acceptance of the inexplicable. I cannot falter at any point because of my faith. Just like them. In essence, we are no different. We are powered by faith. Faith in god. Different only in the specifics.

Learnt something new today too, haha. I'm too confident to need god, so they say. Didn't realise I radiate confidence. Wahaha. Kay, maybe not. But while I'm pretty insecure and uncertain about lotsa stuff, I'm pretty self-sufficient. I can live without many of my desires, and remain comparatively at ease. Simply put, I learnt the art of foregoing, and hence there isn't much need. But my god is here, in my heart. That's why I'm at peace my dearies.

There is no resolution. I hate loops and I hate irreconcilable extremes. Gives me headaches trying to grasp them. Damn. Oh well, kinda settle that for now. Maybe someone will be able to reason me out of this. I declare that my weak point is my reason, while my faith is unshakable. So take your best shot!

Life. What a joke. Haha. I hope I don't start to sound like David.


:: Sam 9:39 PM [+] ::
...

After one night of delirium, or deliria, is there such a word? Sounds nicer... Haha... Yups, after one night of deliria then, I'm awakened, albeit less rudely, to the sad truth. Nah, I'm still light-years from the word intelligent. Feels good to believe so for one moment though, non? Haha.

Maths is so f**ked! (Yeah, I'm kid-friendly!! =P) My stats s**ked (Gee, that's censored too?) big time despite my practice last night. Mediocre practice, but still? And Tan says I scored a B for paper 1. Freak. I left out only 10+ marks lor, hoping I'd score a low A for 1. Moreover I felt quite prepared and thought I did rather well for that paper. Now I didn't do 25 for 2, how in the world I'm gonna score a B at least? Sigh. My forecast is all A btw. They are too kind...

Physics tom. Lazy to mug already. Just 2 more days to persevere. The future seems a vague distance away. Mayst I stay in this quiet afternoon forever, that tomorrow never comes? Aye, but the day shall pass, and tonight I shall be weary of sleep again. Mind over matter. Alas, my mind is weak. Use the force, young one. I sense the dark side in you. Give in not to fear, for fear becomes anger, anger leads to hate, hate brings you to the dark side.

Post-exam/Mid-exam/Pre-exam stress. Post-math/Mid-prelim/Pre-physics trauma. I am writing funnily now. Writes funnily. Weirdly. Grammatically? Incorrect. Blabber blabber. Yak yak.

Oh ya, finally remembered something. Ignore the senseless chatter above. No, that's not what I remembered. I got new links to read! Yay! But shall not put them up just yet, hehe. Lovely. I always love reading new blogs. No idea why. Guess it's just the way I like looking into people's lives. I'm a nosy one, I am. I get bored quickly though. Oh well. What I love most always, is the new flavour, the new style, the new personality!

Sigh. New people. New acquaintance. *shudders* Think naught and you shalt be troubled naught. Haha. Methinks me going loony. Better ciaos now. Heh.


:: Sam 11:40 PM [+] ::
...

Decided to blog tonight after all. Haha. Lotsa things to say. 1st things 1st, prelims are screwed, but at my last league now, so just hope to pull through and survive.

Next, I realised it's not a story of us, but a story inspired by us, hehe. Sophia is so much more cool and mysterious kind, for awhile at least. It took on a live of it's own la. And Ms Ng did a wonderful edit. The story is perfect. If only it could have started and ended like that.

Speaking of which. It's one thing to call yourself a genius, it's another to be called by someone in print! I feel so amazed, delighted, exhilarated, liberated and celebrated! Wahey! But at the same time, I'm perturbed. When I call myself a genius, nobody believes it, not even me, it's just to joke around and convince myself to push on. Now Ms Ng had to write that in my open reference to Cambridge! Eeek!! I'm so shocked. Actually, she way overdid it.

No illusions of grandeur whatsoever, there's no way in freaking hell am I going to make it to Cambridge/Trinity College/Medicine. If I confine my world to the where I live, perhaps. But when I hear about RJ and VJ people applying by the truckloads, I lose all hope. Moreover, like I said, she really overdid the reference. She quoted so many things about me I'm not sure I can even live up to. Last I checked, I'm failing my subjects. And having difficulties talking to even people who have been very nice to me.

'...daring ...creative ...some may call it genius ... eloquent ...compassionate ...destined for great things ...' I am so damn screwed. Imagine all the expectations of the interviewers. What if they find out I'm a fake? I think I'll be quivering in my pants when I walk into the room man... That's if I even get called up for interview, which this, I have much confidence in.

Bleargh. I have about one month to gain all these attributes. Hope I can come up with the a good act in time. After all, I am a genius. Wahaha... No, really, I am, self-proclaimed. As for her little 'slip', well, that's another story that I'll buy another day.


:: Sam 7:46 AM [+] ::
...

Watched 'A beautiful mind' last night. It was a lovely show. Very beautiful indeed. Wish I had just one of his 'two brains', and I'd be very very happy man now, haha. And his wife's a pretty strong woman too, suffering through all that for him, at least in the movie. Heard she wasn't so sweet and loving in real life. Oh well.

Heard this song just now. Wish I could say that. Haha...

No Matter What (Boyzone)

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear God say

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born

No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't shine
Or if the skies are blue
No matter what the end is
My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know, I know
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what


:: Sam 8:39 PM [+] ::
...

Man, I hate haircuts.

Despite spending 10 minutes on the way to the hairdresser's psyching myself up, telling myself to look confident, smile, tell the hairdresser politely but firmly that I want short hair, exactly like the one the other guy over there has, it all crumbled for the moment she looked at me. I managed a whimper of short hair, cut short, repeatedly whining 'short, short, short', but was unable to do more than just open and close my mouth like a goldfish, as she proceeded to do what she will with my hair, like a newborn babe in a psychotic's hands.

15 minutes later, I stare at my new crop in horror, as she beams proudly at me and even offers me a free comb to boot, thanking me for coming! Oh, the humiliation! Somehow it always rings in the back of my mind that I have every right to tell her I'm not satisfied, or interrupt her in the middle of her work, but I can never manage it.

But then again, can't she understand the meaning of short? It goes without saying that a haircut automatically shortens your hair, so when I say cut short, it means SHORT! Argh! Or at least SHORT-er! My fringe is still as long as it was, and everyone tells me I don't look as if I took a haircut. With the $10 spent, I could get a professional job back where I came from, and still afford a box of combs!!

RARGH!!! Look like dork now. Pissed off. Me can't think. Me mad. Me angry at stupid hairdresser. Stupid stupid hairdresser. Me should scold her. Me eat her. Why didn't me? Stupid stupid me.

Next time, I'll bring bullet proof vest and a face mask for added sense of security, hold her at gunpoint while flashing a ruler with the correct measurements, and tell her how short I want my hair to be.

Gah. This is the 15872379104602th time I'm experiencing a bad haircut coz I can't say anything. What a life.


:: Sam 8:13 AM [+] ::
...

Bleargh. Supposed to be studying now, but can't concentrate. Haven't started mugging for any subjects yet except Chem, and even that is like only halfway! I'm soooo DEAD! Then Mrs. Chai just had to say, " I want to see all As when I sign your report card next term, I know you're smart enough to do it." !! How can? Yeah, maybe I'm smart (oops?), but I'm lazy too! Plus Ms. Koh has already given up all hope on me and I think she hates me guts. Sigh. I know it's my lazy fault. But still. Her giving up on me is demoralising.

Finished my story at last. A story of us, haha. Sad la. I think it's written abit too perfect, too unreal liao. But that's the way it had always seemed to me, too good to be true. Perhaps the only flaw I could see was me, and even then I realised too late. So it is, my story, though I'm sure you know it all too well. I just wish I knew your story. Saw your new number today. Changed it after all eh? Sigh. I won't call la, I won't message. Hell, I won't even save it. Don't really trust me huh? I guess the change makes you feel more secure in you avoidance.

Or maybe I'm the one avoiding? Haha. Screw la, what difference does it make? I don't miss you as much anymore, but I still think of you every now and then when I have the time. Which is almost always. Just had this feeling that it was one of those beautiful things that come once in your life, touches you, and disappear forever. Can't help wanting it back again though. Oh well. Let bygones be bygones. Whether we shall start anew, let fate decide.

I still love you, always, my friend.


:: Sam 6:09 AM [+] ::
...

Alright. I concur with her. My argument failed to my much sense. Haha.

Hmm. Realised my life is getting a little bit comic-bookish again. Not that it hasn't been, always, but today was another of those classic it-just-had-to-happen days. Ok, maybe not today, but last night. Been trying to meet up with sotong for ages, but always something crops up. Might be partly my fault coz I'm half-hearted already, but today's meet up had almost absolutely nothing to stop it. Yet I somehow knew that it was not to be. Sure enough, sotong fell sick. Of all days.

Yeah, I know it's no big deal, everybody gets sick in once in a while, why not today right? That's pretty ok if some sorta weird thing didn't crop up everytime to hinder things. Or maybe we're just too busy nowadays for friends. Is there even a need to maintain constant contact with friends? They're still your friends right? Bleargh. Haha. Perhaps I'm too paranoid in thinking that if you don't keep contact, you'll lose a person. But that seems to be true for most cases. The fact that you can't meet up already means you're not on the priority list!

Oh well. Bless me and bless my life. *Smooch* Sometimes, I just love ya. Eh Mr. Scriptwriter, be nice ya? I could do without the humour sometimes.


:: Sam 6:44 AM [+] ::
...

Been actually attempting to mug today. Amazing. But as usual, the willpower runs out and here I am again. Haha. Kay, I'm bored right now, so let me amuse myself. I saw this post recently on guys, and I must attempt to defend our sex, or at least say a few words in our favour. Justify? Or maybe give an excuse or two so we don't seem all that bad... Haha... Right, always wanted to write about this issue anyways, but I'm not so sure if I'll be ale to pull it off, so just be nice ya? ;P

Woah. I can feel a thesis essay coming. Heh. Let me 1st state the case. Accusations of guys:
1. Shallow
2. Sex Oriented
3. All About Looks
4. Childish
5. Jerks
Hmm... Actually point no. 5 is a repeat, coz that basically encompasses the 1st 4 points and more. Anyways, they are ranked in no order of importance or preference, and not exhaustive. I probably missed out a trillion other things that girls are speaking of right now that's making my eyebrows twitch.

Alright, that done, let's just assume that my point of view applies for the general (else there would be no case eh? hehe). Firstly, I would like to say all the above accusations are - TRUE!! Before the protests start streaming in, here's the GP skill: to a moderate extent.

Let's start from the ancient times of all living organisms. First there was the world, the primordial hot soup of life. Then there was bacteria. Then there was er, fish? Followed by mudskippers, then deers (think I missed several million centuries there, but nevermind...)? Somewhere along the way some flying fish decided not to swim anymore, and we had birds! Wow. Amazing isn't it? I shall not go into dinosaurs and whatnots, but in between the mudskippers and the deers, came some wise-crack apes that figured they wanted to stand and pee, so ta-daa. We have men.

Or if we follow creation, well, God just waved his finger and we appeared.

Either way, we came about. And from there, we propagated. The primary reason, the sole reason in fact, that there is a male and female, a yin and yang, a black and white, is so that we can procreate! While I may not go to the extent to suggest that humans live solely to procreate and ensure survival of species (I'm an evolutionist), the distinction of gender is crudely just that. Otherwise we'd all be sexless and live forever. Oh the horror. Shudder. Alright, alright, to come to my 1st point after such a long merry-go-round, sex is wired into our heads baby! (My GP tutor would be proud of my conciseness!) The rest, is, very importantly, social construct.

The major difference between men and women is the method of approch and the amount of grey matter dedicated to sex and various other aspects. That in itself as sparked off many many countless battles of the sexes. The reason for this difference is partly innate, and partly the evolution of social systems. Notice that both parties are attracted by an attractive counterpart, though attractive is very loosely defined. You've probably encountered some girls saying isn't that guy cute, and giggle about some handsome chap, that's why we all wanna look good don't we? Else why would any guy bother? Guys are just less polished in their ways, and less bright. Research has shown that on the average, a girl will check out more guys than a guy could check out girls walking down the same street. Unfortunately for us poor buffoons, girls are so much more discreet, just a flit of the eye and back. Guys tend to associate girls with food I suppose, coz we oogle and drip saliva? Must be from cavemen times that the women cooked for men. Kidding.

1st impressions count. Trust me on that. They don't last, but they do count. And darling, the 1st 1st impression is definitely looks! Everybody takes assumptions, and everybody infers something about anybody they see. While guys do quickly point out pretty girls, I would think they are less likely to say 'that girl is mine!' immediately. Rather, they would watch and assess like several old wise men, pulling their beards and nodding their heads in thoughtful agreement, or shaking in cautious disagreement. Because what they are doing exactly, in those few seconds of their dim brains, electricity is sparking and currents are flowing. Know it or not, they are assessing the girl's character on what little they can surmise from the exterior. There you go. The critically acclaimed and much lamented for character assesment.

Call it shallow if you will. Here's where the paths deviate. Guys take that little amount, and decided whether they are interested, and try to court the girl. Along the way, she either confirms, adds-on, or spoils the images he has of her. Once the relationship proceeds, he starts to learn more about her and gets to know her better. Girls, however, prefer to know a person better first before getting along in the relationship. In other words, guys are just easier to get, so to speak. But no matter what, they will never completely learn about the other, perhaps even halfway would be an achievement. So up to you how soon you wish to experience a relationship.

Eh, just realised I've talked a whole load of rubbish and hardly answered anything I set out to. I'm exhausted already. Bleargh. Right, how about the classic excuse? Not all guys are like that, we'll grow up someday.

But really, it's a weird world. Somethings we just love to hate, others we hate to love. Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, we are just lonely people at heart, seeking companionship, and inescapably, sex. Men and women just complain and whine about each other, and in the end, they all end up together, like some beautiful fairytale. Of course, there's always the tragedy first, the evil witch, then the miracle, the fairy godmother. And all the evil witches in the world is worth the wait of one fairy godmother.

Of course, there's the wee problem of lesbians and gays that complicate matters, but that's another story for another day.

I haven't answered much. But I've certainly killed boredom. Yeah!

Disclaimer: I'm no sexist nor anti-homosexual activists, but I'm certainly racist and a whole lot of other prejudicies, so ask me one of these days if you'd like me to flame them. Kiddin. No really, I'm a very sweet, nice, understanding, caring, single, available male. Any takers? ;P


:: Sam 2:21 AM [+] ::
...

Nostalgia. Sang my old school anthem. Sigh. Formal Dinner always brings back memories.

On the bright side, today was pretty ok. Company was fun. Talked lots of crap. They crapped, I listened and laughed.

Food was interesting. Haha. We asked for a 2nd basket of bread, but it got hijacked by the next table of idiots who overheard our conversation. Then we asked for extra soup, but there was only 4 to go around 6. Finally, we cheated the waiters into thinking we have yet to get dessert. Chicken was bigger than usual, cheese cake dessert rocks!

Yupz. It was ok I guess. Better than expected.

Saw Mars just now. Puny. Just like any other star, but brighter. Gee, should have stayed in school where the telescope would be available. Heh. K la. Nothing to say liao.

Auspicium Melioris Aevi

eh greeneyes, if you see this, chill a bit can? i know i'm blunt and overly focused sometimes, but that was not the sole reason i messaged you la. in fact, it isn't even the reason! so just chill. there's no ulterior motive. relax kay?


:: Sam 6:14 AM [+] ::
...

Just came back from school. Formal dinner later. The thought of it another dreary hour or so of talks with my growling stomach does not amuse me. Not to mention the microscopic serving on the plate. They used to serve chicken with rice. Heck, they even have chicken or fish! Now it's just one puny malnutritioned chicken piece. Sigh. The hungry kids in Africa better be getting fatter.

Wasted time in school again as usual. Started off mugging quite well. Then decided to take one of my usual rounds. Met 2 people I haven't had the chance to speak to properly in a long time. Feels great! If I weren't in my bloody oh-so-cool mode. Haha. Still. Managed a decent conversation. Where's all my PRO skills? =P

Anyways, decided after the first round that since I was no longer in a study mood anymore, might as well help out in some lantern hanging. But as I was going to get my back, got distracted along the way. Brought my stuff to the canteen, and decided to take a longer route so I'd see more people. Ended up chatting with 2 other people. By the time I got back to help with the lanterns, gee, it's full house! Wahaha. I'm just way too slow sometimes.

*slaps self* I need to buck up abit. Getting slower in reaction times nowadays, and self-confidence is down in the dumps. Whatever happened to that over-social idiot back in the good ol' days? Haha... I'm working on it. But in the mean time, it's mug time...

Writing a short story now. Hope I can finish it in time? 'Autumn Leafs' Sound so dramedy, like some soppy romance like that. In a sense it might be la, haha. Argh. The things I have to do, the things I have to do...


:: Sam 2:55 AM [+] ::
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Feel rather suffocated now. You know the choked up feeling you get when you're overwhelmed with emotions? Makes breathing difficult, and a sudden rush to wanna release all that pent-up energy. Sigh. Read Celia's blog just now. Argh. Reminds me of my life, haha.

Yeah. The same excuses or lack of it. The same inability to do something for people that I so want to. Helpless, that's the word. I'm bombarded with all the memories. All the things I wanted to do but never did. All the things I could do but never dared. All the things I would have been doing but now lost the chance.

Can't life just be simple? Can't everyone I care for care that I care? Can't I care about anybody I like as and when I like? Hell, why do I even care? If I care and nobody else does, then please, whoever is up there, make me don't care! Why care for people who just don't give a shit about you? And the best part is why care for people who don't even know you exist? Gone were the days when my friends treasured me as much as I treasured them.

Sigh. I just wanna do things for people. And yet I'm unable. For those few whom I am able to attempt something, I still can't make them smile. And for those rare occasions I make someone smile, I'm quickly forgotten. I know it's my choice to wanna do things, but hey, I can't help myself from feeling otherwise or not wanting to. Sometimes, I just want something back for all those time wasted thinking of doing something but never getting down to it, something for those things that I finally did.

I dunno if I'm thinking soundly or not. But I don't really care. I care that I care. I care that they don't care. And I don't care but I want something too! Please? Is it ok?

Haha... Think my screws are semi-loose tonight. Oh well. Let me whine, let me whine. It's all I can do after all. Pray please don't take even that away from me.


:: Sam 7:04 AM [+] ::
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